Page 76 of The Tsarina's Favorite
“If I die, you’re stuck like that,” she said.
How much of an idiot did she think I was?I could see right through her lies.I was stuck like this, no matter what.Even if her assurance of a way out was true — which I didn’t believe — that was an impossible requirement.Holding onto that kind of hope was exhausting in its futility, and I was already so tired.This was forever, her death or not.And it made everything easier, not looking for a way out.
“What would you have had me do?”I gestured to the chain that she kept affixed to the bed.
“Something.Anything!”
“If I had called for help, you would have been furious at me for breaking the silence you yourself imposed!”The futility of my situation was not a revelation.She would have been upset with me for anything I did or did not do.“You want me to be your Otherland pet.I did as you asked and behaved as any pet would have.”
“I just want you to care,” she said.“I don’t think you care at all!”
I had a choice.I could tell her the truth, that I didn’t.Or I could do as she did to me and lie.Maybe neither choice would make any difference, but it might.
I took a deep breath, stilled my fury, and then held her gaze.
“Of course I care!”I held my hands out to her, palms up, asking for hers.“I have been beside myself with worry.I didn’t dare ask after you for fear that I might hear dreadful news, and I couldn’t bear it.”
I surprised myself with how convincing I sounded.And I convinced her.She hurried over to me, her own hands outstretched, taking mine as she lowered herself back to the ground beside me.
“You didn’t seem like it mattered to you at all,” she accused with red-rimmed eyes.
“I dare not show you my distress,” I said, “when you carry the heavy responsibility of managing the empire.”
She clung to my hands, squeezing them and holding them close.
“I have been so sad and so lonely,” which weren’t exactly lies, “but I haven’t wanted to burden you with my upset.”I worried about overdoing it, but I had her, and she wanted to believe it.“And then I worried that, perhaps, even knowing who I had once been, you found me too repellent to continue thinking upon me kindly.I truly think you hate me sometimes.”
“Never!”She abandoned one of my hands to stroke my face.“You have always been my favorite.”
The tsarina’s favorite.Her favor didn’t feel like favor, not when it came partnered with increasingly worse punishments.
She pulled my head down and kissed my brow.I struggled not to pull away and push her off me.I didn’t want her affection, but I had honesty with Alaina now.Endurance of the tsarina’s falseness sat a little easier because it meant fewer restrictions in enjoying the only authentic connection I had to anyone nowadays.
“You always seem so discontent,” she said.
“I am bored,” I confessed.“The conditions you’ve set for me ensure that I cannot read or idle my time with others.I am accustomed to more engagement and activity than currently allowed.Boredom ensures that I have no other occupation than to notice every discomfort and dwell upon every anxiety.”
“Should I keep you with me more often?”She stroked my face consolingly.“You seem discontent with that too.”
“With you, I must still act and behave like I do not understand anything of my surroundings.”
“I see.”She dropped her hand from my face.“And what then is Princess Alaina’s interest in you?”
There we were.That was what had been bothering her this whole time.Not my lack of caring.
I feigned ignorance.“What do you mean?”
“She mentioned your discontent to me.”
“When I was outside, she used to come and read, often aloud.Practicing her Ilyichian, I assumed.I enjoyed listening to it.”
“Is that all?”
“I would not know.Unlike the other ladies of your court, she never wanted anything to do with me when she knew who I was.”
“And since?”
“You handed my lead to her once, and she was patient with me.”
