Page 75 of The Tsarina's Favorite
“It sounds like a distant possibility — for normal people, anyway.For the tsarina?It sounds like.And she hasn’t been in good health, so maybe she’ll be too tired to think of anything more clever.”
“No promises,” Alaina said, “but I can try.And if it doesn’t work, I’ll come right out and tell her that I could do a better job.”
“If you cannot, I will not blame you.”
She reached out and touched my cheek, her thumb lightly stroking the beak.
“You deserve better,” she said.“And I cannot have you getting hurt.I would miss you if anything happened.”
“Ah, ha!”I teased.“Your seeming concern boils down to selfishness.”
“Of course it does,” she agreed without shame.“Did you forget who I am?”
“Not at all, princess.”I reached up and took her hand from my face, holding it within both of mine.“You wouldn’t let me.”
XXIV.
The tsarina was outof temper, more than usual, and I paid for it several times that day.That evening, in the final moments of being dismounted for what was probably her last go of the day before retiring, I sat up and settled my back against the footboard of her bed, legs pulled up to my chest.I didn’t care about what had set her off, but I was probably looking at another couple of days and nights spent at the foot of her bed, making up for her foul mood.
“What have I done now?”I asked.
She shot me a glare over her shoulder as she went to fetch her robe.
“You can tell me,” I said, “and I can try to understand what’s going on, or you can not tell me and just be angry with me forever.”
I fully believed that she wanted reasons to be angry, especially with me, so that she could rationalize her mistreatment.She might never tell me, if indeed she had a reason for her moodiness, just so she could continue with her behavior without having to think about it.
One arm at a time through the gauzy fabric of her robe, she stared at me.“You never asked how I was.”
She had surely heard about the situation on petition day with me, and she had seen the bald patches now growing in, and she never asked how I was either.
“Since you’ve had me resume my functions,” I said, “I thought it was evident that you were doing significantly better.”
“And,” she went to the samovar, “you didn’t do anything to help when I was ill.I don’t think you care at all.”
I cared very much in how her ill-health might affect me, but she was correct.I didn’t care about her.How could I?What reason had she ever given me to do so?
