Page 77 of The Tsarina's Favorite
“Nothing else?”
I pretended to think and consider as if every one of our precious interactions were not burned on the inside of my skull.
“I am ill-adept at playing the part you’ve assigned to me,” I said, “to the point that others have noticed.I think she realizes that I am as alone as she is.She is afraid of me though and trying not to be since you have demonstrated that you are not.”
“And why would she do that?”
“Who else does she have to look up to?You have been her only example of true leadership and authority.”And that, though flattery, was also true, and I hated that for Alaina.Would that she could see a sovereignty not based on bitterness and resentment!“And, from the little I have gathered, she is in much the same situation as you once were,” I framed it without blaming the tsarina, “living in a foreign land after tragedy made her a widow.Surely, she sees herself in you.And she sees the heights to which you have ascended after so much hardship.Can you blame her for wishing to be all that you have become — even if it is through such poor means as overcoming her fear of me?”
“Do you really think so?”For once, her face had gone nearly blank, the lines of malice disappearing in her contemplation of an idea she had not yet entertained.“All she ever seems to do is whine to go back to her precious Altania.”
“I do not know her well enough to say it with any certainty,” I offered, “but how could she not long for your approval?And if she does not feel as if she will ever earn it, then perhaps that is when she most longs for her homeland.I too despair when I convince myself that you abhor the very sight of me.”
“Oh, my darling.”She took my hand in both of hers and squeezed it.“I could never!I cannot always be with you.And unlike her, I do have obligations on my time that I cannot keep you entertained.”
“I would not expect you to sit and read to me for hours,” I assured her.
“She’s discontent, and you are too.”She narrowed her eyes at me.“What if I charged her with reading to you an hour a day?”
“If you must.”I sighed as if I hated the idea.“She might refuse.Especially if you want her to do it in public.My cage is far too accessible for her to willingly practice her Ilyichian.She hasn’t done it since I’ve come inside, and I can only suppose that is the reason.”
“She certainly has a lot to say about how you’re kept for not visiting you.”
Was the tsarina’s suggestion that Alaina didn’t visit an acknowledgment that she didn’t know the princess visited, or a test to see how much I would admit to?
“She visits occasionally,” I admitted, “mostly at a distance.She just doesn’t read aloud anymore.”And then I pushed because I didn’t want Alaina to take the brunt of the tsarina’s annoyance and because the tsarina’s jealousy might hold sway if she thought Alaina had any kindly intentions towards me.“Don’t inflict me upon the princess.Even as a man, she couldn’t stand me.Her attempts at overcoming her fear are valiant but ultimately impossible.And I do not relish the idea of being subjected to the sole company of someone who reviles me in any guise I wear.”I added, “Not that anyone wants anything to do with me now, unless it’s to pluck a feather.Your subjects much abused my accessibility the other day.”
“So I have been told.”Her face collapsed into deep furrows from brow to chin.“Which is why I need to figure out what to do with you.”She stroked my hand again.“She may not be the ideal companion, but my niece-by-law has been vocal about your upkeep, and it may be good for her to see that it is more challenging than she supposes.You will at least be safe with her and, if it is not so public, perhaps she will resume reading to you.”
“Are you abandoning me?”I clung to her hand.“Am I not to see you?”
“Shhh,” she stroked my face.“I can retrieve you as easily from her apartments as anywhere else.Do not fear, my dear.I will never abandon you.”
“You will not forget about me when you shut me away with the princess?”I asked, playing to her need to be wanted.
“Of course not.”
“You’re the only one who knows me,” I said, repeating the sentiment she told me early on in my present circumstances.I attempted restraint in my pathetic whine, weaponizing the only tool I still had left.“It would surely break me to lose the regard of the only person who truly cares about me, even — especially — like this.”
Her face radiated pure triumph.
And though I hated every word that dropped from my mouth and every action of affection I pretended to, I too rejoiced.We had done it.Alaina and I had played her.I had no regrets.
“She gave me a difficulttime about the key,” Alaina confided once I had been brought to her apartments and her maids and attendants left us to ourselves.Despite whatever difficult time the tsarina gave Alaina, Alaina held the key up triumphantly and set it into the door lock.“In the end, she had a duplicate made.Wise of her,” she said as the door swung open, “or I was going to have to bribe someone to get it for me.”
“I would not have blamed you if you could not.Up here is still a marked improvement over being in a public foyer.”
She held her hands out, palms down, and wiggled her fingers, offering to help me up from the floor of the cage.I couldn’t refuse the gesture, rare and welcome as it was.My hands swallowed hers even before the talons closed over them, and I didn’t dare give her any weight.When I stood, she backed up, leading me out into her bedroom antechamber.
“I know it’s not the grand apartments of the tsarina,” Alaina said apologetically, “but I hope it’s okay.I can keep the fire going, and if there is anything you want or need, I can try to get it.”
A fire, that I had access to, kept going just for me, embodied the pinnacle of contentment in what I might ever reasonably expect for the rest of my life.My gratitude for her consideration could not be summed up in words.
“I appreciate all your efforts to make this happen.Thank you.”
“I need you to promise me two things, Kaylay.”Alaina squeezed my hands.“You cannot continue to harm yourself.And, I know how strong the temptation must be because I share it, but please, do not escape the palace while you are with me.I fear you will be subject to more severe restraint, and I will never be able to help you again.”
I had not planned on either course of action once transferred to Alaina’s care, so agreement did not come at a cost.Just as she couldn’t leave me behind, I couldn’t leave her behind now either.
