Page 106 of Wrecked
“I hardly know a thing about you, but for what’s worth, I can already tell.”
“Tell what?” My gaze meets his.
“My brother was an idiot.” He turns and walks away, leaving me with my mouth gaping wide open.
His brother?
It’safter midnight by the time I make it back to the cemetery. I follow the path to the slabs of concrete meant to remember the two people I loved most. They aren’t here, though.Thattype of closure I’ll never get to have. Their bodies will always be out there, somewhere.
It’s been two months, and the investigation hasn’t turned up anything. They have no idea where the plane crashed. They assume it was over a body of water, but air traffic control lost communication with the plane, so it’s hard to say.
I’m not sure if it would be easier to know exactly what happened. I like to tell myself it was quick. That the plane crashed into the side of a mountain, and no one even knew what was happening. If I knew any differently, I’m not sure I could stomach it.
I walk over to Nate’s stone first, each step feeling heavier than the next. We ordered their grave markers weeks ago, already knowing we had lost them. We didn’t hold a service until the search was called off and we were able to legally declare them dead.
Dead.
They’re dead.
God, it hurts to eventhink.
“Hi, my love,” I say to no one. Part of me feels silly for talking to a plot of land, but I have nowhere else to talk to him. My heart longs for him to respond, to give me a sign that he’s stillwith me. “It’s me, Katie,” I whisper, my voice barely above a breath.
I kneel down beside his grave, caressing the stone as if he could feel me. I close my eyes, remembering the sound of his voice, his laughter. Remembering the way his eyes crinkled in the corners when he smiled, or how his dimples would appear when I did something he found amusing.
“I miss you so much. So, so much. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going without you. Without my sister.” My voice is stifled by the tears I can no longer control. “An existence without you feels impossible, Nathan. You…you were my person.” I cry, the words no longer coherent. “Life without you, it’s suffocating me. I feel like I can’t take a full breath. Like…I’m not going to make it out of this alive.”
I fall forward onto his grave, sobs wracking my body. “Why didn’t you just leave me? Why did you have to hurt me too? Why did you have to lie to me!? Why did you have to die and leave me here to feel all this pain!? It’s not fair! I’m…I’m so, so mad at you, Nathan.” My words are garbled, unintelligible. I lie on his grave, sobbing for several minutes, or hours, I’m not sure.
I feel depleted of all emotion, of all anger, of all pain. I just feel broken. All the parts of me that he fixed, they crack in the center and turn to dust. I stand up and look at his grave one last time. “I love you, Nathan Westin. But I don’t think I can ever forgive you,” I whisper before turning away.
I walk over to my sister’s grave. Her name etched into the stone feels like pretend, like make-believe. Like I’m living through a simulation of grief and this can’t possibly be real.
I can’t stay here. I can’t accept that she’s gone. I’m not ready for that. Not yet.
“I’m so sorry, Ellie. I love you,” I say, turning away and walking back to my car.
CHAPTER 45
ELLIE (4 MONTHS ON THE ISLAND)
Idrop down in the sand next to Nate, snuggling under his arm and resting my head on his shoulder. He wants to watch the sunset on the beach before walking back to our camp. We still have several hours until the sun sets, but we already finished most of our chores for the day. We haven’t had a beach day in a while, so I am happy to sit on the shoreline and watch the waves under the hot sun.
We usually don’t stay out after dark, but it’s the day weofficiallybecame a couple.
Over nine years ago.
Nate walked into the school library expecting a nerdy tutor to help him pass physics. I signed up to tutor on Saturdays so that I could escape Chris on the weekends.
Our lives changed that day.
No matter what happened between then and now, I wouldn’t take it back for anything. I love this man. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. Loving him is as easy as breathing.
But breathing isn’t always easy.
Letting go of our past wasn’t effortless. I know that Natethought he was making the right decision, but that doesn’t take away the harm that decision caused me.
I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep, replaying prom night until I felt like the pain would consume me.
