Page 31 of The Interview
I feel sick so many years later, but all those emotions, they all hit me, and my head spins.
“He said, ‘I love you. I’m so sorry. I love you. Just know that. Just hold onto the fact that I’ll always love you. Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, it will only ever be you.’”
“Aren’t those words…?” Daniel starts to ask.
“Wait, that’s where those lyrics come from?” Marley asks.
I nod. “With You” was one of the band’s early number one’s. Sean had the lyrics inked on his skin.
There’s no one else. There never was. It was only ever you.
“He said that then hung up. Everything from there’s a bit of a blur. I got told a rape allegation had been made, but didn’t believe it for a minute, not even a second. When I got told who’d made the allegation, I believed it even less, but then I found out there were pictures. She was in their room, they were snorting lines off her tits, and even now, all these years later, I still can’t put into words the sense of betrayal I felt, made all the worse by the fact it washer. It could’ve beenanyone,and I still would’ve lost my shit, but the fact it washer, I was floored and just couldn’t see a way to forgive him.”
“I’ll say it again: you were sixteen. You dealt with it like an average sixteen-year-old,” Lennon states.
“I know, and I accept that my age played a part.”
“And we didn’t know then how fucking important four extra years with him would come to mean. Hindsight’s a wonderful thing, George.”
“I’m well fucking aware, Len, and if you’d let me get a word in…” I say, leaning around Marley.
Marls theatrically leans back in his chair and holds his palms up in surrender.
“And you can shut your mouth…” I trail off, not wanting to finish with ‘It was all your fault it happened in the first place,’ and starting World War Three between us.
“I was young. He was my first kiss, first slow dance, first love, first everything. We’d picked baby names; he’d given me a ring. I’d built a world and planned a life around him. I thought we were invincible, what we had was untouchable, but at the very first hurdle, we fell. He let me down in a way that cut me so deeply, the only way forward I could fathom was to remove him, the band, their music, my brother, all of it, from my existence. So, I gave him back his ring and set him free to go live his rock star life. Then I spent the next few years fighting mental illness and an eating disorder.”
No one knew that fact except my mum… and my dad, eventually.
“What?” That comes from Jimmie.
“Mum, what the fuck?” Lu.
“Okay,” Cam says, followed by a loud hand clap. “Babe, you need me to fuck everyone off out of here?”
Fuck. I love the fuck out of this man.
“No, I’m fine,” I assure him without even turning around, because I know that he’ll know, just from the tone of my voice, that it’s the truth.
“Well, I’m glad you are,” Lu again.
“Ohh shit!” Marley kind of whisper hisses beside me.
I purse my lips and blow out a long exhale. “At first, apart from going to school, I didn’t leave the house. One, the press was planted up and down the street, and fuck that. Two, there were the angry, crazy little fan girls.” An instant headache throbs as I recall the rage I felt towards them and the way they treated me.
“There were photos ofmyboyfriend—fiancé, if you will—all over the tabloids, snorting cocaine off Haley White’s body.He’shad a rape allegation made against him, yet it wasmethey cameafter.Me,who was made out to be the villain for breaking poor Maca’s heart. And three, I had nowhere to go.”
That’s the moment tears start to threaten. Why is saying that out loud so bloody hard? I let the memory of the abject sorrow, loneliness, and sense of betrayal I felt at that time wash over me. I wallow in the rejection I’ve probably never really recovered from. He chose her. Over me, our love, the life we planned. He chose going back to his room with her.
“When I lost Sean, I lost the life I’d spent the previous four years building—the band, and the world we’d created around it. I lost Jimmie and Marley, my two best friends, and I lost Len, my always-there-for-me big brother.”
I compose myself as best I can, then continue.
“I was destroyed,” I admit. My throat feels so tight, I have to swallow continuously to get my words out. “It wasn’t their fault. The band had taken off, Marley was a part of it, Len was their manager, and Jimmie wanted to be wherever Len was. Unfortunately for me, I had no life outside of all of that. So, I finished my exams and applied to sixth-form college. I stopped listening to music. Outside of studying, I stopped existing.”
I stare down at the floor for a long moment while I gather my thoughts and herd them into an orderly manner so I can form the words and sentences I need to explain myself. Looking up, my blues meet his browns. “Then, one day, I woke up and decided I was done. I wanted out of this life. I came up with a plan. I’d go and see our doctor, tell him I needed something to help me sleep. Once I got the prescription, I’d take the lot, fall asleep, and just not wake up. What I didn’t bank on was our doctor refusing to give me anything. Instead, he suggested I start going for long walks in the evening or join a gym. ‘Focus on some physical exercise, and it’ll quiet your mind.’” I use air quotes and mimic the voice of our old doctor.
“Back then, there were no online doctors. You had the doctor your mum signed you up with when you were born, and unless you moved out of the area, they were your doctor until they retired.”
