Page 55 of Can't Get Over You
“I get what you’re saying. For the first time in your life, you’re driving without a map, and that’s scary.”
She could only nod because it was terrifying not to see the road ahead.
“I think the vision board made you feel safe.” Willa ran her fingertip around the rim of her glass. “I mean, one day, you’re living with two parents, you have a close group of friends you’ve known your whole life, you’re happy as a bug in a rug, and the next… it all blows up. Your parents divorced, your friends cut you out… Both of those things happened in the same year. I can’t imagine how helpless you felt. And maybe taping pretty images to that board gave you some control, you know? It made you feel like you had the power to make the life you wanted.”
“You’re pretty smart for a girl who once stripped naked in Tommy Pederson’s bathroom.”
Willa balled up her napkin and threw it at her. “It was my first date, and I got spaghetti sauce all over my white dress. I was panicking. And how was I supposed to know his brother would walk right in?”
“I’m just saying, you’re a lot smarter now.”
She slunk down in her chair. “Oh, my God. I can’t believe you brought that up when I’m sitting here feeling all sophisticated and shit. Listen, lady, the person whose life isn’t a dumpster fire gets to act like she has her life together and dole out the wisdom like a Pez dispenser. That’s how it works.”
Finlay patted her friend’s hand. “Don’t worry. You’ve come a long way since you told Tommy Pederson’s brother your dress was wet because the family dog pushed you into the pool.”
“I hate you.”
“Which is a real shame since you’re my favorite person in the world.” She picked up her glass only to find it empty. Eyes flicking over to Jude, she pushed back her chair. “I’ll get us another round.”
Willa reached for her. “I think that’s why God invented servers.”
She paused, hesitant, knowing she should listen to her friend but driven by the absolute compulsion to be near him.
“I’m going to ask you this as a friend who loves you. Before you go over there, what do you want? Because you’re not in a place to start a relationship, and you already know the only thing he’s interested in.”
“You mean a quickie in the bathroom?” Fire raced along her nerves. She could picture it. Jude’s strong arms holding her up as he thrust into her, the tile cold against her back. Desire coursed through her, dampening her panties.
“Unless he’s changed…?”
“No, he hasn’t.” Finlay scooted her chair closer to the table. “And I really, really don’t want to be that girl anymore.” Theone who filled her loneliness with a crush on a boy she could never have. “I have a good, full life, and a quick bang from the boy I’m still susceptible to would throw me right back into that obsession.” She could already feel it. The way she constantly snuck looks at him. Already, she was slipping back there. “And I don’t want that.”
“No, I didn’t think you did.”
“It’s just…” Finlay tapped her fingers on the wooden table. “You know what I realized somewhere around two in the morning?” She didn’t even wait for her friend to respond. “With Matt, I’d have the husband, the house on Bloom Lane, the children, the dogs, the dream job…and then, once the excitement leveled off, when we got into the routine of life, I’d be hit in the face with the reality that I wasn’t in love with my husband. Like, Wills, that wasgoingto happen. It was inevitable. Because when Matt and I talked this morning? Neither one of us said, ‘I love you.’ The word never came up. Not for either of us.”
And that scares the crap out of me.
Because what the hell was I willing to settle for?
Willa’s features scrunched in discomfort. “Okay, but at least you got out. It won’t happen now.”
“And on top of all that, how bizarre is it that I run out of the church, and it’s Jude McKenna I see? He hasn’t lived here in twelve years, and he’s the first person I ran into? I can’t believe it.”
“Can’t you?”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I mean, what better way to drive home that Matt isn’t the man for you than to be with Jude?”
Maybe she’d thrown up a wall between the two sides of her—the vision board Finlay and the wild woman who ran free—but at that moment, she became painfully aware of the contrastbetween her feelings for the two men. The life she wanted versus what her soul craved.
But wait, why would there be a difference between the two?
She knew the answer. Of course, she did. Willa had just spelled it out for her. When her parents divorced, she’d been gutted. Countless nights curled up in bed, crying her eyes out, the loneliness of being a latchkey kid. And then, being blindsided by her friends when they’d cast her aside. She’d gone from safety and security to being alone and vulnerable.
After two hits like that, why would she open her heart to another devastating loss? So she’d chosen a tepid relationship and denied herself true, passionate love.
It was such a terrible truth that she pushed her chair back. She wasn’t ready for a night out yet.This is a mistake.“I’m going to the bathroom.” She needed a break from thinking.
