Page 61 of From the Ashes
With my good hand, I cling to the front of his shirt, just to have something to tether me to this moment. “We were stupidteenagers, Phoenix, and I was having an identity crisis. Life already felt like it was too much, but ababy?I couldn’t handle that.”
The next part of the story is the hardest and the most shameful. Even with what went down between Phoenix and I, it’s always been the thing I regret the most. The part I won’t ever forgive myself for. My breathing quickens as I try to hold my tears back, but eventually, they spill onto my cheeks anyway.
Phoenix cups my face in his hands, trying to swipe them away with his thumbs, but there are too many. I briefly wonder if he, like me, is transported back to that night so easily.
“Walker, if you can’t?—”
I cut him off. “No, I need to. You need to hear it. If anybody deserved to get kicked in the head that weekend, it was me.”
Phoenix gives me a pained expression, but stays quiet, allowing me to continue.
“Alexis, my girlfriend, would do anything for me, so she made an appointment for an abortion. It was scheduled for the night before the World Championship ride. The night I was with you, she was going through that…alone. I was so wracked with guilt over making a baby I didn’t want, with a girl I didn’t love, and ending a life I had no right to be a part of in the first place, that I felt like ending my own life was the only appropriate penance. To make the guilt worse, I actually found solace that night in your arms while Alexis was alone and enduring one of the worst things a human can go through. The only reason I didn’t pull the trigger that night or any night since is becauseyourvoice plays on repeat in my head, telling me I’m stronger than I think and I’m going to be okay. You believed in me and letting you down wasn’t an option after you’d just given me everything I never dared to dream for…especially after your career ended. I’ve continued to ride foryou.My ritual is forus.And I got the tattoo forme.”
I reach over and take Phoenix’s free hand while his other is busy wiping his own eyes. I’ve given up trying to stop my tears, and now that they’re just flowing down my face, it feels like I’m one step closer to purging my soul.
“So, you see? Yousavedmy life even though I didn’t deserve to be saved.” I take a deep breath and bring the conversation full circle. “And that’s the reason behind the ink.”
Phoenix pulls back slightly to look at me before crashing his lips to mine. They’re only on my mouth for a second before he’s kissing my cheeks, my eyes, my tears, my jaw.
“Jesus Christ, Walker. I’m so fucking sorry.”
It’s not funny, but an exhaled laugh comes out anyway. “What are you sorry for, Phoenix? I just told you that you saved my life.”
“I’m sorry you and Alexis had to go through that. I’m sorry the world is the way it is. I’m sorry I’ve wasted so much time being angry at you whenthisis what you were holding on to.”
Phoenix’s hands are on my back, pulling me into him so we’re connected from our chests to our toes, and for the first time since I was in this exact same place eight years ago, I relax, letting his strength support me once again.
“There’s more,” I tell him, burying my face farther in his neck.
Finally sharing this with someone brings an immense amount of relief. Sharing this withPhoenixmakes it that much sweeter…and scarier.
“Let’s go inside for the next part,” he suggests. “It’s almost dark, and I think we could both probably use a shot of something really strong right now.” I nod and almost pass out when he grabs my hand and laces our fingers together as he leads me toward the house. “Oh, and when we’re done talking about this, I want a closer look at that tattoo.”
My blood heats in my veins at his insinuation, but also…shit. Because while he saw the design from where he was, you can only see his initials and the date we hooked up if you look closely.
Inside, Phoenix plants me on a bar stool while he rummages through his own kitchen cabinets looking for something in particular. A few moments later, he shakily pours two shots of Cuervo from a dusty bottle and hands one to me.
We down them with no toast and then Phoenix grabs the bottle and motions for me to follow him to the living room. He places the bottle on the coffee table and sits down, pulling me next to him before scooping my legs across his.
“Okay, lay it on me,” he says, giving me his full attention.
“As it turns out, Alexis…” I pause, wondering if this will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. If after everything, me having an eight-year-old son will be what destroys any chance I have with Phoenix Harding for good. “…didn’t go through with it that night. So, come to find out, I have an eight-year-old son who wants a rodeo themed birthday party this year.” My voice sounds far away as I speak the words aloud for the first time. “And not that it’s all about me because obviously it’s not, but I have new guilt over missing the first eight years of Colton’s life. I’ve missed so many firsts. Alexis has put herself through college and is in vet school and my son thinks—well, I don’t know what he thinks.”
Phoenix’s nostrils flare and his jaw clenches. His fingers tighten against my thigh as he grits out, “Before I getreallypissed. Did she keep this from you on purpose? Is she looking for a payday? Because if that’s the case, I’ll write her a fucking check to leave you alone.”
His immediate and passionate response tells me he’s still in my corner even after all this. And I choke on another sob as I try to explain.
“No. Thank you, but no. Alexis isn’t the enemy. She thought she was doing me a favor. Even back then I knew kids weren’t for me. I’m more of a cool uncle kind of guy.”
“They’re here, aren’t they? They’re the reason you stayed?”
“Yeah, they’re here, but I think it’s safe to say it’s more complicated than that, Phoe. We can stop lying to ourselves about what this is now. What it’s always been,” I clarify, trailing shaking fingers back and forth across his forearm. “She messaged me when she saw I was competing here. Said she’d made a promise to herself that if I ever came to North Carolina, she’d reach out. So, she did. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I hadn’t gotten hurt and had left the state as quickly as I’d arrived, but I don’t want to waste this opportunity.”
The fact that Phoenix isn’t running yet, has mehemorrhaging emotions. Between this conversation and all the work I did today, baking in the sun,tryingto exhaust myself, I might sleep straight through Friday and wake up Saturday morning.
“Which reminds me,” I continue, “we set the meeting time for Saturday mid-morning. I’m going to meet them at a park which is why I needed to borrow the Jeep. I’m supposed to call Alexis tomorrow night to discuss the details of what we’re going to tell Colton.”
The thought makes me queasy so I concentrate on the circles Phoenix is rubbing on my thigh as it rests against his own. There’s nothing sexual about the comforting gesture and I love how he always seems to know exactly what I need.
