Page 62 of From the Ashes
“You’re stronger than you think, and you’re going to be okay,” he whispers.
My eyes widen at his words. “Did you remember that because I said it to you or…”
“I remember everything about that night, Walker. Every. Single. Thing.”
Chapter 28
Phoenix
My heart hurts for Walker and I hate myself for not being there for him. “I wish you would’ve told me what was going on that night.”
Walker quirks a brow. “Don’t you think that would’ve put a damper on things?Hey man, I know we’re competing for the same title, we just met, and we’re about to fuck, but you should know I’m barely legal, never had sex with a guy, knocked a girl up though, oh and I totally abandoned her to kill our unborn child alone…tonight as a matter of fact. So, when we get done here, I’m going to go in the woods and off myself behind the arena.”
I don’t find his monologue humorous one bit.
“Don’t fucking talk about ending your life ever again, Walker. It was an impossible situation. Have some grace for yourself,” I reprimand.
“I will when you do,” he fires back, holding my gaze.Touché.“Since we seem to be on a roll with spilling our guts,” he continues, “how about you tell me what was really going on that morning?”
My answer seems so fucking lame compared to what he was struggling with. It makes me hesitant to tell him.
“Phoenix,” he says after a full minute of my silence. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
My eyes find his, but I can only maintain the connection for a second before looking away again. “Look, it’s gonna sound really fucking stupid after hearing your side of the story.”
He pulls his knee up on the couch and turns to face me. Leaning forward, he places a tentative, gentle kiss to my cheek, like he’s waiting for me to push him away again. “Phoenix, the significance of my pain doesn’t diminish yours.”
I think on his words, and finally decide he’s right. I tell him about the first time I had sex with a guy. The trauma of being left alone on the bathroom floor, unsure of what to do next, and the pain of that guy’s dismissal the next day. “It was like we’d never met. I wasn’t ever ashamed of being gay, but the way he refused to acknowledge me made me feel cheap, like his dirty little secret, like maybe Ishould beashamed.”
Walker growls next to me. “I’ll find that asshole and knock his fucking teeth out.”
I huff a laugh. “Thanks, but he’s not worth going to jail over.”
“Oh, fucking hell!” Walker yells, dropping his forehead to my shoulder as he connects the dots. “The next day, in the shoot, I was totally in the zone and didn’t even smile or…are you telling me I could have saved your career if only I’d given you a wink or something?” he asks in disbelief.
“No. I thought that at the time which is why I was so fucking mad—at youandmyself—but now I know the problem was with me, not you.”
“If things like that are such a big deal to you, how’d you get a reputation for being such a player?” Walker asks, both of his hands on me now.
I shrug.
“My looks garnered a fair bit of attention as soon as I hit the circuit. You know what that’s like,” I add, knowing he’s hounded even more than I was. “My marketing team wanted to capitalize on that, and I needed the money. Figured it was easier to go along with it. Eventually, I realized people just wanted to be near me because I look good and I won all the time, but they didn’t really want to get to knowme…so, I stopped wanting to get to know them too. I still have not hadnearthe amount of sex the media made it seem like I did, but it kept them off my back and was good for business. Plus,” I add with a sad smile, “they pegged me as aheterosexualplayboy, which helped give me cover.”
Walker stays silent and I let him process. At some point, both of my hands ended up on his body as well, and I can no longer delay trying to find his skin. So, while he’s mulling this information over, I mirror his position, pulling my opposite knee into the couch and reach for his torso.
Fuck, it feels good to have him under my hands again.My fingertips burn with the intense heat he and I create every time we’re near each other.
Finally, his eyes close and he smiles that devastating grin I love so fucking much.
“So, what you’re saying is that deep down, you’re a romantic?”
A smile of my own spreads across my lips. “Of course. You couldn’t tell from the way I held you down on the floor of that tack room by your neck?” Immediately, I wince at the memory. “God, I’m so fucking sorry about that. I would have done it so differently if I’d known.”
“I wouldn’t have wanted you to,” he says. “Honestly, that night was perfect, Phoenix. I was in so much emotional pain, the little bit of physical pain you provoked was the outlet Ineeded.” He grabs my face with his good hand, his braced wrist awkwardly cupping the other side. “I wasn’t lying when I said you saved me.”
I’m still not sure how to respond to that one, so I switch gears to a different, but equally heavy, topic.
“I’m coming with you on Saturday,” I announce. When he sits up straighter, I know he’s about to argue, so I cut him off. “I’ll stay in the truck. I just don’t want you to drive in case you’re too nervous, or distracted, or upset.”
