Page 105 of One Foggy Christmas
“Hey, Stetson!”My mom waves at him as he walks down the dock toward our boat, holding a cooler. “We’re glad you’re coming with us today.”
“First boat outing of the summer.” The smile on my dad’s face is the same one he’s had my whole life whenever we’re on the lake. His love of boating is the reason we live where we do.
My mom reaches for his cooler and brings it into the boat. “No Savannah today?”
“Uh, no. We broke up last week.” His eyes flip to me. The pointed meaning behind his stare stresses me out.
Stetson dating Savannah for the last six months was best for my mind and heart. Right after the accident, murky feelings clogged my mind. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel, who I was supposed to love, or who I wanted to be with. I remembered loving Stetson, but just because that was fresh in my mind didn’t mean it made sense now, three and a half years later.
I needed time to sort through everything, and his dating Savannah gave me that time. But now that the buffer between us is gone, my chest feels heavy with pressure. Just like I told Nash six months ago, I can’t figure out who I am while in a relationship with someone. There are so many missing pieces to my puzzle. I’m just barely starting to get them all sorted out. I can’t add more to that process.
That’s why I spend the next two hours doing whatever I can on the boat to avoid alone time with Stetson. If my dad needs a rope untied, I’m on it. When it was time for the first surfer in the water, I volunteered. But there’s nowhere to hide when Stetson walks to the bow to sit with me.
He hands me a bottle of water. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
“No, I haven’t.” I take the drink, putting it in the cup holder beside me.
“You’re a terrible liar.” He laughs as he sits down next to me. “What did you think about my news?”
“What do you mean?” The clarification is unnecessary. I know exactly what he means.
“About me and Savannah.”
“Oh.” My response is too big and dramatic to be sincere. “I’m sorry to hear you broke up. Savannah is great.”
“I’m not sorry.” His eyes glimmer in a way I’ve only seen a few times from him since moving back home to Skaneateles. “I’ve been wanting to end things for a few months.”
Months?
The way that statement ties my stomach in knots freaks me out.
“I just needed to make sure you were in a good place.”
“Me?” I swallow. “What do I have to do with anything?”
“Sade, you know what I mean. There’s nothing in our way now.” He reaches out and grabs my hand. “We can finally be together. Our story can pick up right where it left off.”
I glance down at Stetson’s fingers interlaced through mine—a familiar gesture I can remember. But despite the familiarity, things are different. Our story can’t pick up from here because it didn’t stop here. It kept going, and even though those years are gone from my mind like a book with a chunk of pages ripped out, they still happened, shaping who I am today.
I’m not the same woman anymore. I don’t know if I’m the old Sadie or the new Sadie. Probably somewhere in the middle. And part of being in the middle is trusting the decisions I made almost four years ago when I broke up with Stetson. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, since I found that award hidden in a box in my closet. I no longer second-guess the choices I made back then or hold them against myself.
I think about the words the hospital therapist said to me the day before I got discharged.Give the Sadie you don’t remember the benefit of the doubt. Trust that she made the right decisions with the information she had at the time. And then forgive her if she didn’t.
I’m slowly learning to take the doctor’s advice and trust that the old version of me knew something I don’t understand today. I don’t want to relearn everything I already learned.
I’m not going back.
Only forward.
I move Stetson’s hand to his lap and pull my fingers out from under his. “You’ve always been a constant in my life, and your friendship over the last few months has meant so much to me.”
His chin lowers as if sensing what’s coming next. “But?”
“I can’t keep living in the past just because that’s what I remember. I need to pave a new way forward. Try new things and learn about the years I can’t remember until I find who I really am.”
“I can help you discover who you are.”
“You can’t. Only I can do that for myself.”
