Page 108 of Vivacity
‘Okay, so tell me everything,’ I demand as he tucks me up on the sofa. I’m sitting sideways, my legs stretched out and covered with a large blanket while he proceeds to sit at the far end. ‘I go away for a few days at the quietest time of the year and you manage to instigate a coup of epic proportions. I can’t leave you alone for a minute.’
And so he launches into his account of yesterday’s trip to see Miles.
‘Oh my god, I’d love to have been a fly on the wall. His face must have been a picture!’
‘He was pretty shocked. He definitely thought I was smoking crack. But he appreciated my motives, at least.’
He massages the instep of my foot through the blanket, and I arch into his touch as I process.
‘So you want to spend more time with Jamie,’ I prompt. ‘Right? That’s why you’re getting out of the deal? The company?’
‘Exactly.’ He looks at me, his grey eyes soft. I can’t believe I thought they were cold when I first met him.
‘And is his mum up for that?’ I know the custody agreement he has with Elena is strict. ‘I hate to ask, but does she know what happened the other night?’
‘She does now. We had a long chat earlier. I sent Jamie upstairs when we got there, because I knew she’d be furious with both of us, and I didn’t want her taking it out on him.’
‘That was nice of you. And was she?’
‘Yeah,’ he says shortly. ‘She was fucking fuming, and also very upset, obviously. It really shook her up.’
‘Of course it did.’ I reach out to take his free hand. ‘These things are awful for any parent. Do you think she’ll let you spend more time with him?’
He hesitates. ‘This is what I want to talk to you about. But the short answer is yes. She’s conflicted. She desperately wants me to have a close relationship with him—almost as much as she wants to protect him from me.’
I wince. ‘Ouch.’
‘Yeah. But consider it from her perspective. It breaks her heart every time I hurt him, and it should. The thing that’s carried me through all these years is that he couldn’t have a more loving mother. But Elena’s a very fair person. She’s not spiteful, and she doesn’t have it in for me. She listened to my entire pitch, and she’s given me her blessing as long as I feel confident that it’s the right thing for Jamie.’
I go still. ‘What was the pitch, Ethan?’
He doesn’t shy away from my gaze. In fact, his is clear and open and resolute. There’s peace in his expression that I don’t see often. ‘That I pull Jamie out of school for two or three months—maybe even a full term—and he and I go off on a big adventure.’ He swallows. ‘Possibly Australia.’
Oh my god. It’s a knife to the heart, but a small part of me isn’t shocked. I’ve been gearing up to something like this since he told me we needed to talk. Notthis, exactly, but I could sense he had something big up his sleeve.
But seconds after the agony comes the shock of something that feels joyous and heartwarming. The Ethan I first met was cold and walled up, numbing himself in his work while feeling no passion for it. He would never have walked away from his company, his shareholders, from a deal that would put his name on the map.
This Ethan is lighter, somehow. He’s throwing in the towel on every single front, moving forward without a backward glance so he can invest in the thing he’s deemed to be the most important one of all: his relationship with his son. He’s a laser-focused guy. His intensity radiated from him as soon as I met him. But thefocusof that intensity has been overturned, and I can’t help but applaud that he’s gone all in on this. Everyone, everything, else be damned.
Including me.
‘Say something.’ He squeezes my hand.
I shoot him what’s probably a dazed smile. ‘I’m processing.’
‘Process out loud?’
That gets a little laugh out of me. I cock my head and survey him. His handsome face is filled with concern, but I’m absolutely not about to make this about me when it categorically isn’t.
‘It’s amazing. That’s what I think.’ I shrug. ‘If ever you needed proof that you are not your father, this is it. What an incredible thing to do for your son. All this time, you’ve worried that he feels abandoned by you, and you’re not even telling him you love him more than anything else—you’reshowinghim. I mean, wow! What a powerful statement.’
What I don’t say is that the most impressive thing about all this is how terrifying a step it must be for Ethan. For so long, he’sbelieved that, to protect his son, he needs to stay clear of him. Ethan’s entire Enneagram type as an Eight has revolved around protecting people through controlling them rather than through connecting with them. I’ve seen him transform his relationship with me, choosing connection, choosing to trust, and it’s a beautiful thing.
But Jamie is the person in his life who he most fiercely, most desperately, wants and needs to protect. It stands to reason that he would choose the most extreme ways to feed that need. Yet here he is, choosing deep engagement and real vulnerability so that he can show up for his son in a healthy way.
And it is blowing. My. Mind.
My eyes fill with tears, and he instantly misconstrues them. ‘No. No, sweetheart.’ He rears up so he can pull me along the sofa and into his arms. ‘I’m so sorry. I don’t want—I don’t want to leave you. I feelsickat leaving you. That’s not what this is about.’
