Page 109 of Vivacity
I turn to face him and lay my palms along his cheeks, cupping his face. ‘You misunderstand.’ I smile through my tears. ‘I think that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard, and I’m feeling very emotional that you’re choosing Jamie over absolutely everything else.’ I press my forehead to his and scrunch up my face in an effort to keep my shit together. ‘You’re such a good man.Sucha good man. And let me tell you right now, you’re a wonderful father. No one makes a sacrifice like that unless they’re a truly loving parent.’
He lifts his face and uses his thumbs to wipe away my tears. He looks stricken. I’m not sure he’s absorbed any of the reassurances I’ve just given him. ‘None of it’s a sacrifice except for you. I don’t give a shit about any of it but you. Good riddance to the deal—honestly, I feel bad landing Miles with it.’ His voice drops to a whisper. ‘But walking away from you will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and the most terrifying.Because I’m absolutely shitting myself that you’ll get fed up and leave me. I’m choosing my son over you, after all, just as things were getting really serious. The timing couldn’t be worse.
‘I know I need to do this—and I will, I absolutely will, even if it means losing you. But I’m not sure I’ll ever, ever get over it.’
We stare at each other. The tears are pouring down my cheeks now.
‘I love you,’ he whispers. ‘I’m in love with you. Head over heels.’ My lips part at the shock of it, but he presses on. ‘I never, ever dreamed I’d meet someone who’d actually see me, and believe in me, and heal me. I never, ever thought I could be close to someone in the way I am with you.’
‘Listen to me.’ I grab his face harder and try unsuccessfully to blink away the tears. ‘Okay? Just listen. First, I didn’t heal you. Not in the slightest. You’re healing yourself, babe, and don’t you ever forget it. And secondly, you’ve basically just told me that you’re choosing your son over me, that that relationship is more important than ours?—’
He goes to interrupt, but I shake my head. ‘No. Listen. You’ve just prioritised your son over me, and I’m assuming I’m out of a job, too, given that you’re buggering off, and never’—I pause, my entire face crumpling at this tidal wave of emotion—‘nevercould I have imagined that all that would be the proof I need to stick around for someone.’
His expression goes from devastated to bewildered. I need to do a better job of making myself clear. ‘You’ve just chosen your child over your business, your deal, your father, yourmoney. You’ve just sacked off trying to control everyone and everything around you and done the emotional equivalent of jumping off a fucking bridge. You’ve taken all the shit in your life that fucked you up and you’ve started doing serious work on yourself and taking massive steps to make reparations.’ I stroke his face. ‘If that’s not the best proof I’ve ever seen that you are the man I’mproud to love then I don’t know what is.’ I erupt into slightly deranged, sobbing laughter. ‘Even if you’re leaving me behind.’
‘You love me?’ he asks, those beautiful grey eyes searching my face.
‘I love you. And I love your beautiful heart. I love it even more when you let it shine. And I’m so fucking proud of you. I wholeheartedly support this. I know it will be the making of you and Jamie.’
‘I want to ask you to wait for me. I can’t make you, obviously. But I’ve been thinking about this obsessively. I know I haven’t been great boyfriend material. But I’m going to keep doing the work while I’m away. I want to Zoom with Philip as much as he can bear, maybe get Jamie involved, if he’s game. I want to keep working on all the shit that stops me from being able to get close to the people I love.’ He rakes his fingers through my hair. ‘I want to be worthy of you.’
His face is so full of love. Of tenderness. Here’s the thing about Eights: when they fall, they fall hard. They give themselves over completely. If their entire personality is fearing abandonment and loss of control, if their tests reallydotest the people closest to them, then the rewards for passing their tests are beautiful in the extreme.
So I tell him what he needs to hear.
‘I love you. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’ll be waiting for you when you and Jamie are done with your glorious, crazy adventures.’
God knows, I understand better than anyone the importance of having a safe place to land when we’re ready to stop moving.
He drops his head to my shoulder and holds me so tightly, muttering into my neck as I rake my hands through his hair. ‘I was so fucking scared you’d tell me where to go. I was terrified, actually.’
‘No way. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.’ I rock him in my arms. ‘So, a few months in Oz, eh? What made you decide on that?’
He pulls away and grins at me. ‘It was Jamie’s idea. It’s summer there, and he said he couldn’t think of a better place for me to learn how to chill the fuck out.’
CHAPTER 48
Ethan
Ihave Elena’s approval to take Jamie away for an extended period which, given how viscerally she’ll miss him is, frankly, extraordinary and a touching vote of confidence in my ability to keep our son safe and happy.
I have Soph’s love and her promise that she’ll wait for me, which feels just as extraordinary. The two women I’ve loved, believing in me. Backing me.
I’ve spent the past forty-eight hours working feverishly with Soph on reaching out to each board member and apprising them of the situation. To a person, they have all agreed to honour my proposal and back Miles as CEO, which means I have the votes to pass this thing, even with Dad voting against me.
Everything else from here on in is a technicality.
I haven’t yet informed Jamie’s school that I’m pulling him out, but I don’t really give a shit what they say. I’ll be telling them, not asking.
The only obstacle remaining before I jet off with my son, the only piece of business left hanging, is to inform my parents of myfait accompli.
On my way to their house, I remind myself of what’s at stake by texting Jamie a link to a TikTok of an Aussie guy performing a jaw-dropping surfing stunt.
You and me in two months’ time.
His reply is instant.
It’ll be me not u. Ur too old.
