Page 79 of The Pretender
“I see your point, but it’s not that simple.”
“It is, actually. You aren’t telling me because you don’t see me as a partner, and I totally get that. I’m not. We’re…” I shrug, searching for the right words. “A chapter in each other’s books, but we’re not the story.”
Balt looks slightly shocked as he pulls his head back. “Wow. I didn’t realize you could be so detached when you need to be.”
“That’s how I get through life without being a constant punching bag. You have your defenses too.”
He nods, releasing my foot. “For what it’s worth…” He pauses, shaking his head. “Nothing. Never mind.”
“You can’t say that and then leave me hanging. Not cool.”
He smiles. “At the risk of exposing my underbelly to you, I want you to know that I like being here and I don’t want to leave.”
That’s nice to hear, but the reality is different. “That doesn’t mean you won’t. You’ll have to at some point, right?” I scoot closer to him on the bed so I can brush my fingers across his cheek. “It’s a fantasy that would be so easy to give into. I’m doing everything I can not to get attached so it doesn’t hurt when you finally do leave.”
“Does that mean you don’t want me to leave either?”
“Why would I want you to leave, Balt? We have a good thing going here. We get along, my family likes you, and the sex is fire. You must have a bad quality, but I haven’t seen it yet.”
“I do.”
“Everyone does.”
Balt takes both my hands in his and brings them to his lips, dotting quick kisses over my fingers. “You have to believe me when I say this is hard for me too. I didn’t expect to be so comfortable and compatible with you.”
“I believe you. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change anything.”
“It doesn’t, but we’re still here tonight.”
I nod, biting my bottom lip. “I know. It’s the Aquarius in me that makes me so guarded and standoffish when I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt.”
His gaze softens. “What can I do to make you feel safer?”
Not leave.
I shrug. “It’s up to me to handle my emotions, but thank you.” I run my hand through the smooth hair on his chest. “Why don’t we pretend, just for tonight, that this is forever? We can cuddle and kiss and maybe even get up to something dirty.”
“That’s a lovely idea. Let’s do that.”
Balt wraps his arms around me, and as I lay my head on his shoulder, I push back the emotions threatening to spill over. This is the best relationship I’ve ever had and it’s a hundred percent guaranteed to end. No happy ending here, just a bar set so high no other mortal will ever clear it.
It’s been two days since I talked to Balt about him being distant, and since then he’s definitely made an effort. Great. He’s responsive to feedback too. Killer boyfriend material. I can see him outside, looking down at his phone and pacing back and forth, his breath visible in the cold air around him.
“What’s he doing out there?” Brogan asks.
“God only knows.”
“Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise?”
“Nothing like that.” I turn my head to focus on Brogan. I want to talk about my feelings with someone other than Balt, but that would mean fessing up, and I don’t want to put the burden of keeping a secret on my cousin.
“What’s going on then? And don’t say nothing. It’s written all over your face.”
“I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Did he do something to you? Something bad?”
“No. He’s amazing. In fact, he’s the most incredible man I’ve ever dated.”
