Page 26 of The Pretender
“They didn’t really know, though they probably suspected something was different about me. I never brought a girl home, never went to prom, never crushed on beautiful celebrities. At least not to their knowledge.” He picks at a loose thread on his sweatpants. “I think I knew before I even understood what it meant. I liked girls as friends. I enjoyed their energy and thegames they played. The boys…” He pauses, chuckling softly. “I felt weird around the boys. Uncomfortable. It took me a while—puberty—to understand it was attraction. Then I hated being around boys. I hated gym class. Hated listening to the way they talked about the girls and their bodies, but that was also how I knew for sure. I never looked at a classmate and wondered what she looked like naked or wanted to touch her skin or taste her lip gloss.”
His voice is melancholy as he tells me his story, so I reach out and rub his thigh. Balt looks down at my hand and smiles.
“But in college,” he continues, “I got over my hesitation and allowed my attraction to bloom.”
“What was his name? The first guy?”
“Patrick. He was so opposite to me. Outgoing, confident. He knew exactly what he wanted. He approached me after class one day and invited me over for a beer.” A smile tugs at Balt’s lips. “He was incredibly patient with me.”
“Did you do the deed?” I waggle my eyebrows. “All the way?”
Balt laughs softly. “We made out, got naked and rubbed our way to paradise. It was the most amazing day of my life up to that point.”
“That must have been so validating. Did you keep seeing him?”
“Here and there, but he released me from my shackles, so let’s just say I got around campus.”
I gasp in mock disgust. “You slut.”
Balt laughs. “Indeed.” He squeezes my knee. “Tell me your story.”
“Oh, I started messing around in high school. A little bit in middle school, but just, like, looking and light touching. This kid named Brandon was my first major experience. He was on the football team, popular, gorgeous. All the girls were crazy about him, and of course, we all thought he was straight.”
“How did you find out he wasn’t?”
“I was in town shopping for clothes and I bumped into him. I didn’t think he would even know my name, but he did, and he knew I was in his history class. He invited me over to play video games, and I was thrilled that a popular kid wanted to be my friend.”
“Go on.”
“We get there and I met his mom. We went down into the basement, and he showed me his game collection, but then he got all nervous and weird. I was about to ask what was up, but he just kissed me.”
“Brave.”
I laugh. “Very, but he figured it out just from watching me. At least he thought he did.”
“What happened next?”
“He gave me a blow job and then I returned the favor. Like you said, it was the best day ever at that point. We hooked up the whole school year, but then his dad got a job in Milwaukee and they moved.”
“Were you openly dating?”
“Oh no. I was definitely his dirty secret. He still had girls all over him and his friends didn’t know.”
“Did that hurt you?”
I shake my head. “No. I was so young I wasn’t expecting any kind of major relationship. I was happy to be able to explore and learn what felt good with such a hot guy.”
“I understand that.”
“There were times I wished I could’ve told someone. I didn’t even tell Brogan. There was this girl, Emma, who really liked Brandon. She talked my ear off all the time about him. She had a pool party for her birthday, and afterward she couldn’t stop drooling over Brandon’s build and how he looked in swim trunks. I remember secretly gloating because I knew what helooked like naked. I knew how he fucked, and I knew she never would.”
“So Brandon was good for your ego?”
“He was. I officially came out to my family when I was sixteen, but I think they already knew. Nantes and Guiliano paved the way.”
“Both your brothers are gay?”
“Nantes says he’s bi, and Guiliano just says queer, but he’s only ever dated men and nonbinary people.”
