Page 70 of The Wishing Tree Beside the Shor
‘That wasn’t meant to sound like I jumped straight into bed with her. It was years after you left, Fee. I missed you like hell for a couple of years, I was low and lonely and my father’s constant pressure got the better of me. I gave up on you ever coming back. I stopped fighting. Without you, I didn’t have anything to fightfor.’
‘Ryan …’ It makes the guilt spike again. The day I kissed him was such a huge misunderstanding for both of us. It could’ve been so different. If I’d hung around to hear his explanation, if he’d explained things to me earlier, if either of us had had the confidence to let each other see how we really felt years before …
‘I know you didn’t expect to hear that the other day, but the least I can do is explain. We were together for about five years in the end, but my heart wasn’t in it. The relationship moved on without me. Both our families were involved, and it was assumed we were on the path towards marriage and children. I proposed because she was expecting me to propose and I didn’t want to let her, or the families, down. I felt like Ishouldmarry her rather than I wanted to. Don’t get me wrong, the first few years were great. We got on well enough that I actually thought I was lucky, but it faded, and we were trapped together more than anything else. I knew what love felt like, and that wasn’t it.’
A shiver goes down my spine and I glance behind me because it genuinely makes me feel like I’m being watched. There’s no wind tonight, the air is completely still, but the tree rustles above us. We look at each other and he slowly raises an eyebrow until we both burst into nervous laughter.
‘So what happened?’ I ask when the tree is silent.
‘People around here will be quick to tell you that I’m cruel and cold and heartless because I broke it off two months before the wedding, but she was buried in wedding plans and I was waking up at night in a cold sweat at the idea of making that commitment when neither of us were happy. It became all about the wedding for her. More and more guests, more and more money we didn’t have on outrageous things, more outlandish ways to impress people and go one better than all the weddings we’d been to over the years. I’d always thought Bridezilla was a myth until then. And I hate all that stuff, I wanted a small private wedding with only our families there, and she was all ice sculptures and glass carriages and inviting people she hadn’t been in touch with since primary school, and I realised that she didn’t know me at all or care in the slightest about how I was feeling. It might’ve seemed harsh, but it was always going to be kinder to break it off beforehand than go into a loveless marriage.’
‘That didn’t go down well, then?’
He grunts. ‘Her father pulled out of the business and left my dad with almost nothing, and that turned into the beginning of the end for his business empire. He didn’t speak to me for a while afterwards. I’m not sure he ever truly forgave me or understood why I couldn’t go through with it. She was furious about losing the Big Day, but not so much about losing me. She planned the wedding to impress her friends, not because she wanted to marryme. The groom was interchangeable.’
Even though he doesn’t sound overly bothered by the whole thing, there’s a wobble to the last sentence.
‘One thing you’veneverbeen, Ry, is interchangeable.’ I take his hand again and give it a squeeze and he knocks his shoulder into mine as we walk along.
‘See?’ he murmurs. ‘This is why I’ve been single since then. The half-hearted relationships have never been worth it. I want something that makes me feel alive. Something that lights up my life and makes me feel like I can do anything. Someonewho believes in me and makes me feel like I’m the king of the world. And nothing’s ever come close to the girl I let go …’
I choke.
He tugs me to a halt. ‘Fee, I know things are weir— Ow!’
I’ve been so absorbed in Ryan talking that neither of us have noticed Baaabra Streisand coming back until she kicks a clump of wet sand at his leg.
‘There’s no way she’s full sheep. She’s some sort of half-dog crossbreed, right?’
He’s laughing as he bends to brush sand off his leg without letting go of my hand.
Whatever he was going to say, the moment is gone as he picks up a shell by his foot and tosses it and the sheep runs after it.
‘How about you?’ He swings our hands wider as we follow her. ‘Why has no one married my Fee yet?’
I wonder if that “my” doesn’t have something to do with it. ‘Lurched from one disappointing relationship to another, trying to fill a void with dull spark-free relationships that usually end in cheating, lying, and occasionally, stealing money from my bank account. That was a fun one.’
He bursts out laughing. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh, but seriously?Whodoes that?’
‘A man who was quickly relegated to “ex”.’ I can’t help giggling too, even though it was far from funny at the time. Everything seems better with Ryan listening. ‘I’ve kind of given up in recent years. There are only so many disappointing relationships you can put yourself through before you wonder if it’s worth it, and the older I get, the more it feels like I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist.’
I meet his eyes in the darkness and Iknowwe’re both thinking the same. It did exist, once. But we lost each other, and maybe it’s too late now.
He looks away, but his grip on my hand tightens. ‘Do you ever regret leaving?’
I think about it for a while. The answer is both yes and no, and somehow I think Ryan will understand that. ‘You can regret leaving people without regretting leaving the place. I had to leave here. I had to know what else was out there. If I’d have stayed, I’d have spent the rest of my life wondering “what if”.’
‘And what’s it like out there?’
I screw up one eye and use my free hand to do a “meh” gesture. ‘It’s not so great actually.’
He laughs. ‘I’m sure the rest of the British Isles would bethrilledwith that portrayal. Have you considered writing adverts for tourism boards?’
It makes me laugh out loud again, but he’s not going to distract me with humour. ‘How about you? Do you ever regret staying?’
He’s quiet for a while too. ‘I think you can regret aspects of staying without regretting the act of staying itself. I didn’t have a lot of choice, but on the other hand, I’ll never regret doing what was right for my family, but I’m also sorry for the things I never got to do and the people I’ve lost along the way … the people who had to go when I couldn’t.’
The tone in his voice makes it obvious he’s talking about me. I close my eyes and keep my head fixed straight ahead. My breath is shallow and fast, and I close my eyes and force myself to concentrate on breathing.
