Page 22 of Wire
“Okay?”
“Okay, is that it?” he shouts at me.
“What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you that I agree? That you’re weak?”
“Yes,” he shouts.
“Tell you that you’re pathetic and less of a man. Is that what you want me to say?” I’m standing now and shouting at him.
“I’m weak and pathetic,” he shouts.
“No, you’re not,” I yell back.
“Yes, I am.”
“No, you’re not,” I scream.
“They raped me, and because I came, they told me I enjoyed it,” he roars.
I stand still, absolutely stunned. Tanner is also now stock still, as if he didn’t mean to say that out loud. The shock is clearly written on his face.
“You believe that?” I ask quietly, afraid of his answer.
His head nods ever so slightly, and that is all I need. I’m on him in a second, wrapping around him like a monkey climbing a tree.
“No, no, no. Tanner, just no!”
I squeeze him as tightly as possible, hoping to push all his broken pieces back together.
“Sweet, wonderful man, just no. Oh my god, this is not your fault. You did not enjoy that.”
He still hasn’t said a word, but his arms are wrapped around me.
“Look at me. LOOK AT ME, TANNER,” I demand firmly.
His head comes up, and his eyes meet mine. The pain and devastation in them would bring me to my knees if I were standing.
“You did not ask for that, nor did you enjoy it. It was a natural bodily reaction to stimulation. You did not enjoy it. You hear me?”
I can see he doesn’t quite believe me, but that’s okay. He will in time, as I’m now going to make it my mission to make sure he understands this is not his fault.
“I have never said that out loud,” he says, his voice hoarse with a tint of pain.
“It’s okay to say it out loud. It’s like a release. Set the words free,” I tell him, trying to sound positive without also sounding like a Hallmark movie.
“It was. I feel like a weight has been lifted,” he sounds surprised.
“I’m sorry you have been carrying this weight around with you. Have you thought about speaking to someone about it? Like a professional? Someone who can help you deal with what happened and move on?” I ask as he is breaking me with how sad, yet a little light has appeared in his eyes. The pain and hurt are still there for everyone to see. The eyes are the gateway to the soul. You can always see a person’s emotions in their eyes if you look closely.
“No, I was too scared. I thought people would judge me, or I would disgust them.”
I hold him a little tighter at his admission. Hoping it helps heal him even a tiny amount and brings him some comfort. I want to be that person for him, the one who makes it all right in the world.
“I would never judge you for something out of your control. Maybe talking to a professional would help, Tanner.”
“I love the way you say my name. No one has said it in so long.” He replies, ignoring my suggestion so I drop the subject but at least I have mention it.
“Happy to help,” I say with a curtsy, making him chuckle.
