Page 21 of Wire
His eyes are wide, genuine fear clear as day in them. The fear makes my chest feel tight. We’ve grown really close over the time he has been here, and he has opened up a little to me, but I have always felt like he has been holding something back. My heart is pounding as I slowly grab my robe, put it on, and crawl across the floor to him, making myself as small as possible.
“Wire, it’s okay.” I just keep repeating that it’s okay. I have no clue if it is or not, but right now, he looks like a scared, wounded animal, and I’m doing everything I can to make this better for him.
“It’s not okay. It will never be okay. I’m tainted and dirty.” His voice is small as he curls his arms around his legs.
I grab the sheet from the bed and slowly wrap it around him. Cocooning him and myself in the sheet. I wrap my arms around him, careful of where I touch.
“You’re not tainted or dirty.”
I now recognize what is happening. I saw it with my cousin when he came out of the army. It’s a PTSD episode. My touching him clearly caused a flashback which triggered a form of a panic attack.
“Take deep breaths for me. You’re safe. Nothing can hurt you,” I keep reassuring him.
“I’m dirty and tainted. You shouldn’t touch me as the dirt will get on you.” His voice sounds robotic.
“You’re not dirty or tainted. You’re a strong and a good man. Come back to me, Wire.”
“Tanner, my name is Tanner.”
Okay, this is good.
“Tanner, a strong name for a strong man.”
I wrap my arms tighter around him and slowly maneuver him so we are lying on my bedroom floor, wrapped in the sheet. His head is now on my chest, and his arms slowly slide around me. I start to stroke his hair as that seemed to help before.
“You’re safe. It’s okay.” I keep reassuring him, a little at a loss of what to do to help him.
After a while, his breathing evens out, and he falls asleep in my arms. My heart feels like It’s breaking in my chest. I’m going to make it my mission to help Tanner.
* * *
It must be early morning as the first rays of the sun cast a soft glow in the room. I know Tanner is awake, but neither of us moves. I slept a little, but I woke a little before him, and once again, I’m running my fingers through his hair. No one speaks, but there is a connection forming between us. Maybe It’s because I didn’t freak out and run away or belittle him like some women might have done.
“You didn’t leave,” he finally says.
“Nope, and I’m not going to,” I tell him with a firm voice.
“You should.”
“Why?” I demand.
“You really want a weak man?” he asks.
“Weak? I don’t see a weak man.” I move so I can face him. I grab his face and make him see how serious I am.
“I see a man who has been through something traumatic and survived. I see a man fighting his demons and not letting them win. I see strength and resilience. A man who is rebuilding his life and trying to move forward. That is the man I see. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.”
“You say this now, but if you knew.” His doubt in himself and me pisses me off.
“Then tell me. If you think I will run if I know. Then tell me,” I dare him.
His nostrils flare, and fire lights up his beautiful emerald eyes.
“A brother turned on the club and tried to bring us down. He took me hostage and tortured me. He had help, and they did things that gave me nightmares. What they did to me makes me feel dirty and tainted.”
“That must have been a terrifying experience but not something that was your fault. It’s something you survived. But still not seeing anything that would make me think less of you,” I tell him.
“Really, is that not enough? I was tortured, and I begged them to stop. I was weak.” He’s up now, pacing the floor. The anger is pouring off him.
