Page 43 of First
“Could you get us access to it?”
Her eyes widen in understanding, and she nods.
* * *
Lara and I don’t know how long we’ll have in Lady Larsen’s quarters before we’re interrupted, but we both agree that we’re willing to risk being discovered.
“After all, we are not the ones who should be hiding,” Lara says stubbornly. “I’ll take the washroom. It’s most logical for a vial of something to be there, but that might be the very reason she put it elsewhere.”
We’re not sure what we’re searching for, but I methodically make my way through the furniture in her rooms, opening drawers, rummaging through clothes. The minutes pass, and I find nothing resembling proof of what Lara suspects her mother has been doing.
And then I move to the bookshelf.
Paper is expensive, and physical books are a rarity. Lady Larsen loves to collect them, even in languages that she doesn’t speak. When I lift a large tome to check whether something was placed behind it, I hear the soft shuffle of something floating to the floor.
It’s a thick cream-colored paper, folded twice into itself. An old-school, formal letter. I recognize it, but I’ve rarely seen any, and only for extremely important matters. When I pick it up, I do it gently, almost afraid that it will crumble in my hands.
But it’s solid. Sturdy. Not an antique piece, but new. After I unfold it, I find that it’s not written in the same unfamiliar script of the books. The neat, scratchy penmanship flowing across the paper is easily readable.
Ms. Kuznetsov,
I don’t believe we have ever met, although it’s possible that on a few occasions we both attended the same functions. My name is Gabriel Agard, and I used to work with your father, first as one of his apprentices in the engineering corps, and then as a soldier. I regret not visiting Dr. Kuznetsov in his last few months, but I was not aware that his illness had progressed to such a critical extent, and my current employment has kept me busy.
I am writing to inquire whether you would reconsider your decision of not allowing my presence, and the presence of my command chain, at his funerary ceremony. Your father was, undoubtedly, one of the most influential figures in my life. With all that I owe him, I would love to pay my respects to?—
“Sofia?”
Startled by Lady Larsen’s voice, I shoot to my feet, hiding the letter behind my back.
“What are you doing here?”
“I just— Nothing.” My fingers are trembling so hard, I lose my grip on the paper, which falls to the ground with a dull noise and calls Lady Larsen’s attention to itself.
Fuck, I think.
But why? I’ve done nothing wrong.Nothing. “Is it true?” I ask.
And it must be. Lady Larsen glances at the girl who came in with her, a young maid I don’t recall meeting before. “Leave us,” she orders. And when we’re alone, the first thing she says is, “I don’t know what you were told, but before you jump to any conclusions, I want you to know that I never gave you anything that would cause irreversible damage.”
Pure rage claws up my throat. I close my eyes, forcing my body to remember the lessons I’ve learned during my healer training.Breathe in and out. Calm down. Be in the moment.As tonelessly as I can manage, I ask, “Whatdidyou give me?”
“Just suppressants.” Her smile is at once sad and unapologetic. “Again, nothing harmful. It’s what Omegas take when they would like to postpone their heats.”
“When Omegas want to postpone their heats, they take suppressants for aweekat the most.” My entire body is shaking. “You gave them to me for at leastfiveyears.”
“Yes, well, it was not ideal. Do not think that it was an easy choice. But I was reassured by someone I trust that it would not have long-term effects?—”
“Bywhom? Because I am a healer, and let me assure you that I do not recall hearing of anyone taking suppressants for years on end.” I wipe my wet cheeks. “How could you? You are… You were like a mother to me.”
Her face hardens. “Yes. Well, Sofia, dear, you arelikea daughter to me, too. But you arenotmy daughter. One day you and Lennart will have children, and you will understand that?—”
“He knew,” I whisper.Of coursehe did. How could he not?
He knew. He was complicit in all of it.
Lady Larsen sighs deeply. “I love my son. I wanted him to be happy. And you were the key to that happiness. So when you first presented, he grew concerned that you might seek a union with an Alpha…”
“You poisoned me. I thought I—You stole this from me. My ability to feel pleasure, to grow into my body. Tobecome myself.” I am a healer. I made a vow to do no harm. And yet, every atom in my body wants to leap at this woman and make her hurt. I want to pry her eyes out and eat her heart. Above all, I’m afraid that Iwill.
