Page 76 of To Go Against Her Heart
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At Lord Matlock’s residence, Georgiana slept soundly, feeling tired after the long evening. She was too innocent to understand the actual reason for the strained expressions exchanged between her brother and Elizabeth at the end of the ball; she attributed their discomposure merely to the pain of separation. However, in the same house, Darcy paced restlessly, his mindand heart wrenched with pain and anguish over the events that transpired that evening. He wished he had proposed to her before the ball, wondering if she might have accepted him—and thus spared Mr. Harrington the opportunity to get close to her. He had overheard enough to understand the liberty he had taken to taunt her, citing that she could never attach herself to anyone else apart from himself. Darcy could not imagine the torment she must have endured during the introduction, and yet how gracefully she had managed to survive it all. Now, he wished he had professed his love to her at least before the dance and cursed himself for letting her leave the ball with uncertainty.
There was something different in the way she looked at me during the dance—and later, when she departed. It seemed as though she had surrendered herself to an irrevocable decision. I cannot allow her to doubt my intentions any longer, nor will I permit the man who wronged her to torment her in any way.
Darcy felt devastated to realize that the very man who had once given her hope was known to him all along and could not imagine how she had felt to see him and Mr. Harrington walk side by side. He knew that sleep was a distant prospect in his current state of mind, and in his eyes, Elizabeth deserved far more than what life had subjected her to.
***
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Elizabeth retired to her room after a long conversation with her aunt, who was enraged to understand what Mr. Harrington had dared to attempt. She also expressed her displeasure at Elizabeth for not informing her of his presence, insisting that had she known, she would have ensured he stayed away from her niece.
“I just needed a few moments to myself, and that is why I ventured out into the corridor, and I never once imagined that he would follow me. I assure you, I wanted to inform youabout his presence, but everything happened so fast,” Elizabeth explained to her aunt.
Now, as she brushed her hair, seated in front of the mirror, lost in thought, it seemed that the demons of her past had finally returned to haunt her. No matter how much assurance her aunt had given her moments ago—that Darcy would never hold her in contempt for withholding the fact that she had once been engaged to Mr. Harrington—Elizabeth knew she was at fault for not revealing it to him.
She never doubted Darcy’s stand in the matter, but it was her own heart that weighed her down with guilt. She knew that if they were to unite, his life would always be filled with the burden of protecting her past and the scrutiny that came with it, especially from his aunt. As trivial as it seemed that one could argue that they could avoid Mr. Harrington and live a life without crossing paths, the evening had proven to her that some ghosts of the past have a way of presenting themselves and shattering happiness—and she was unwilling to drag Darcy into the web of torment she had so strongly spun around herself. She loved him with all her heart, yet she knew that love alone could never make up for a lifetime spent carefully treading through society, constantly defending, and shielding her heart from harm. Through the whole ordeal, she realized how foolish she had been to fall for a man of such filthy character as Mr. Harrington in the past, who had betrayed her and was now betraying his wife with thoughts about her. The mere thought of him declaring that he still loved her filled her with disgust, and it gave her no comfort to realize that a man of such questionable character had the power to hurt Darcy through her. She knew Darcy would stand against the world for her, but in her heart, all she wanted was to spare him from that burden—she lacked the strength to see him hurt or held responsible for her actions.
Ever since she had arrived in town, she had never felt this lost, and she found herself battling the compelling need to return to Longbourn, where the world had left her alone, to live a life she had become accustomed to, one without hope and happiness.
***
As troubled as the previous night had been, Mrs. Gardiner hoped that Elizabeth would be in a better temperament in the morning and was pleased to see her seated for breakfast with a smile.
“I hope you had a restful night,” her aunt asked her.
“I did, and I am looking forward to returning to Longbourn tomorrow. I would be the most selfish creature on earth if I did not thank you for the love and affection you have shown me during my stay, as always,” she said, her heart full of gratitude. She resolved to quiet her restless mind by occupying herself with packing and directing her thoughts to the happy prospect of seeing Jane the next day.
Mrs. Gardiner did not want to press Elizabeth to discuss affairs of the previous evening and allowed her to keep to herself; however, within minutes, she was surprised by Darcy’s arrival. It was still an early hour, and from his countenance, Mrs. Gardiner immediately understood that his visit was not casual but carried a sense of urgency. She had no scruple in guessing that he had come to speak with her niece.
“My apologies for calling without prior notice. I want to seek your permission to speak with Miss Elizabeth in private,” he asked, and Mrs. Gardiner did not know what to make of the nature of anxiety in his tone or the look of anguish on his face. She requested Darcy to wait in the library and sent for Elizabeth, who arrived with a perplexed look, and the moment she understood who the visitor was, her face turned pale. It was not that she had not expected to see him—she was certain he would call on her with Georgiana before her departure.
“Mr. Darcy is waiting in the library, do you not wish to see him?” her aunt asked with doubt, seeing how startled she was.
“No, I shall, and I promise to keep the conversation short,” she said and left her aunt, determined that she would not succumb to her feelings in his presence. However difficult it was, she was prepared to do the needful and relieve him from the misery she had inflicted on him since the day they met.
However, as she approached the library, she began to tremble as her hand rested on the door handle. Mustering courage, she opened the door and stepped inside.
The moment she set eyes on Darcy as he stood by the fireplace, his hands clasped behind, she wondered if she could truly keep the conversation short.
“Good morning, Mr. Darcy, I did not expect to see you at this hour,” she said, and to this, he was silent.
Elizabeth slowly walked toward him and stood by the fireplace. In his eyes, she saw the reflection of the flames and wondered whether it was merely the light or the blaze in his heart shining through.
“Are you well?” he asked bluntly, and she nodded. The intensity of his gaze unsettled her, and she dared not remain before him for long, fearing that her own resolve would betray her and she might fall into his arms, confessing all that lay buried in her heart.
“What did you wish to see me for?” she asked, trying to sound unaffected.
“Surely you must know as you are too generous to trifle with me, and you do know why I stand before you, not able to sleep a wink last night, thinking about the torment you had to undergo yesterday in my presence. I wish I had said this to you last evening, and I regret that I let you leave without confessing what I truly feel for you. I…”
“Mr. Darcy, please do not…” She started, but he had no notion of letting her stop him.
“You must allow me to tell you how ardently I love and admire you. The only reason I held back from declaring myself before was that I never wanted to force you to endure my feelings against your will. Your past has concerned me only to the extent it has on your feelings, and I still cannot forgive myself for the role I played along with fate in tormenting you yesterday. Surely you must know that everything I have done so far, ever since you asked me to leave Hertfordshire, was because your feelings mattered to me more than my own. But when I met you in town, I saw something in your eyes which gave me hope, and every minute I spent in your company assured me that I might have found a way into your heart. My world revolves around you, and I will never let anyone hurt or harm you,” he said and finally added, “I now ask you the question I have been waiting to ask for months, will you marry me?” he asked, catching his breath. As he spoke, he observed the change in her countenance—from the stoic expression she wore, to pure joy, and then to the same forced stoicism.
After hearing his declaration, she stood before him in silence, which tortured Darcy beyond measure.
“I wish I had the power to relieve you of the need for this disclosure today. Allow me to thank you for your sentiments and apologize for giving you the idea that I would return them in equal measure. I accept and stand guilty, in front of you, for encouraging you in this matter. But Mr. Darcy, I ask you to set aside what transpired yesterday evening and not warrant my current declaration entirely to that. I have come to understand that I am incapable of attaching myself in matrimony to anyone, and definitely not you. I do not feel this way simply because you learned about my past against my will last evening; I have devoted my entire night seeking answers about my life. All thewhile, I have wanted the world to understand my struggles, yet I realized I never truly understood myself or how I wanted to live my life. None of this would have happened if I had not allowed you to call on me or encouraged your feelings. And to pretend I never noticed the sentiments you so genuinely expressed—through your words now and in your eyes all this while—would be a cruel lie. Please forgive me, for I am unable to accept your proposal, I cannot marry you, and I hope you have the generosity to forget the pain I have caused you,” she said, and more than shock, it seemed Darcy succumbed to plain disbelief.
“These are not your words. You have always been truthful with me—even when you asked me to leave your life in Hertfordshire, I knew that was what your heart desired. But the words you profess now are not true.”
