Page 77 of To Go Against Her Heart
“Are you accusing me of lying?”
“I most sincerely am, and if I may add, you lack practice in doing so,” he said, still unable to accept that she not only rejected his proposal but forced him to believe that he had misunderstood her sentiments all along. Elizabeth now struggled between anger and frustration at being unable to convince him that she did not love him.
“Do you truly believe you have known me well all these days we have been acquainted?”
“Yes!”
“I only pity you, for you neither know me nor understand what I desire in life. And, in truth, if you believe I was capable of falling in love with anyone after my encounter with Mr. Harrington, then you truly do not know me— for I detest the very feeling that has caused me nothing but grief in the past. Though I do not have an obligation to convince you in this matter, allow me to tell you once and for all, I do not love you; if I did, nothing would make me happier than to accept your proposal now. I do not wish to delay you any further with thisdistressing conversation, nor do I desire that we continue as friends. Please, allow me to live my life without being reminded of the torment caused by my past actions. Goodbye!” she said and, withone last look at him, left the room.
Chapter 31
As the familiar sight of Hertfordshire rolled by, Elizabeth felt a strange sense of belonging—a belonging rooted in her grief, her mistakes, and, above all, her guilt. That morning, Georgiana had arrived before her departure to bid her goodbye, and it was evident that she was indeed aware that things had turned sour between Elizabeth and her brother. The young girl appeared quite distressed at the very notion of losing Elizabeth’s friendship, and though Elizabeth gave her every assurance, Georgiana remained unconvinced, being unable to comprehend what could have occurred between them to compel her brother to absent himself from meeting her.
Even Mrs. Gardiner looked deeply disappointed to see Elizabeth leave so unhappy. Now, as the carriage sped through the countryside of Hertfordshire, tears rolled down her cheeks, and she was thankful that the maid accompanying her had fallen asleep.
From the moment she had left the library the previous day, she regretted her actions, though she reasoned with herself that it was the best choice for his future. She had lied to Darcy, claiming she had no feelings for him. She was ashamed by her lack of courage to face the consequences of her past and thereby secure her future with him, someone she truly loved.
It was plain to her that the only courage she possessed was the reckless courage she showed in concealing her true feelings to protect him. Yet what troubled her still was that he had, once again, perceived her deception and seen through her lies.
As the carriage approached Longbourn, her heart filled with happiness at the sight of Jane and Mr. Bingley, their arms interlocked, waiting to welcome her on the doorstep of the house.
The moment she descended, Jane ran up to her sister and embraced her with affection.
“Oh, Lizzy! I have missed you so much. Not even a week has passed since I last saw you, but it feels like an eternity,” cried Jane.
“And I assure you I have felt the same way,” Elizabeth replied, and was ecstatic to see the pure joy on Jane’s face because of her upcoming wedding to Mr. Bingley.
Elizabeth’s family was happy with her return, especially her father. Though he spoke little, he frequently glanced at Elizabeth during dinner, his eyes conveying the joy he felt at being reunited with his most beloved daughter. However, he wondered if her visit to town had rekindled memories of the past year when Mr. Harrington courted her. Mr. Gardiner departed after Elizabeth’s arrival and expressed his wishes to see the Bennets in town to shop for Jane’s wedding.
Elizabeth observed that Mr. Bingley did not intend to leave Longbourn until evening and smiled at Jane, noticing how inseparable the couple had become. Later that day, the family saw the arrival of Lady Lucas and Charlotte, and the latter was thrilled to be reunited with her best friend.
“I cannot express how eager I was to see you again. Though your letters have been my greatest comfort, they do not compare to seeing you in person. I hope your visit was pleasant,” Charlotte exclaimed.
“Very pleasant indeed,” Elizabeth replied. Immediately, Charlotte sensed a touch of sarcasm in her tone—an aspect she had been accustomed to since childhood. When Elizabeth was in pain or sadness, she always used her humor as a shield.Charlotte was well aware of this and waited for a chance to speak with her in private, hoping to understand where her relationship with Darcy truly stood.
However, it was Jane who was privy to Elizabeth’s situation before Charlotte.
“Lizzy, I am truly sorry I did not mean to neglect you, not till now have I had the opportunity of discerning how you have spent these past days,” she said as they finally sat in bed after retiring for the night.
“Why, Jane, I might as well become accustomed to this neglect, for it would pain me greatly to endure it suddenly after your marriage,” she teased, causing Jane to frown.
“I am truly glad that Mr. Bingley plans to settle down in Netherfield after the wedding. I shall make sure to walk to your home every day, rain or shine, to witness the shock that I once witnessed in Mr. Darcy,” she said with a laugh, but then stopped abruptly. She suddenly felt overwhelmed; the feelings she had so carefully disguised from her aunt, and later from Georgiana and then the rest of her family, ebbed and swelled at the mere mention of his name.
Not wanting Jane to witness her distress, she tried to turn away, but Jane grabbed her arm.
“Lizzy, what is it? What happened? Are you unwell?” her sister asked in alarm, and to her horror, Elizabeth burst into tears.
“I am a coward, Jane, and I hurt him, just to protect him from my past,” she cried, and Jane could not make sense of the situation.
“Do calm down, what happened? Is this regarding Mr. Darcy? Did something happen between you two?” she asked, and Elizabeth poured out everything she had suppressed in her heart. She knew not how clearly she had related the occurrences for Jane’s understanding, but her heart felt lighter as she sharedher torment during the ball, the encounter with Mr. Harrington on the balcony, and later Darcy’s proposal. Jane listened without interruption, feeling devastated to learn what Elizabeth had done. More than empathy, she felt anger at her sister’s actions.
“What happened to you, Lizzy? Where did your bravery and strength vanish? The man was at your doorstep declaring his love—the one you deserved and the one you love, and yet you turned him away. How could you do this? For the first time, I am ashamed of your actions,” she cried, glaring at Elizabeth.
“What do you expect me to do? Do you think I can willingly allow him to bear the weight of my past actions? I was engaged to someone else, Jane, and that man has been acquainted with Mr. Darcy all along, and his aunt, who welcomed me with such warmth, is a long acquaintance of his family. I should have informed Mr. Darcy long ago about my engagement, but now it’s too late.I conducted myself as though I did not know Mr. Harrington while in Mr. Darcy’s presence, and I cannot bear to think how he perceived my actions.”
“You say he did mention that he required no explanation from you regarding your past.”
“He did, but what if Mr. Harrington does not let the matter rest? I saw something in his eyes that evening— a vile sense of revenge and jealousy had taken over him. Just imagine what could have happened if we had been discovered in the corridor while he made his advances. I could not permit Mr. Darcy to suffer in the least on my account, and indeed, I do regret my conduct. How I wish I had the courage to overcome my fear!”
