Page 84 of The Governess of My Heart
Just like Mary, in Elizabeth’s heart, she knew Darcy would never forsake her because of the truth about her past and birth.
Every look, every word, every act of him proved to her that he felt the same way about her. Despite repeatedly insulting and lying to him that she hated him, she could not stop thinking about a life with him.
After the dance, she was certain he would never look at her, but that was not the case. All she could see in his eyes during the picnic was the same regard she had witnessed all those months. Elizabeth was glad she would be away from Ashton Park for a month, but she had never expected him to walk in that morning and declare himself in such a way. Every word he spoke resonated from the depths of his heart.
She was devastated for refusing him in such a way, but it was done to make Darcy believe that she could never accept him. The pain in his eyes was evident after her refusal as he looked aghast. The one look he gave her before he left made her heart hurt like it had never felt before.
Now, she sat in her room crying out of guilt.
She had not cared about her past and the fact that she was born out of wedlock, but now it mattered; she was unable to accept him because of the same.
She loved Darcy deeply and cared about his welfare. It was not just him; Georgiana’s future was also at stake.If at all she accepted him, Elizabeth knew she would subject the man she loved to disgrace and shame. He would marry a governess and a woman with a disgraced birth.
She knew the truth about her past would shame and distress the Darcy family.
Elizabeth did not know how to face him again. She had wounded a man who loved and cared for her without any inhibitions about her status in society. All she wanted was to protect him from misery; she knew she had made the right decision.
She loved him too much to let him suffer after marrying her; she was confident that he would be tormented forever because of her past, by society, and relations.
She promised herself that she would never tell him the truth, the truth that she loved him as much as he loved her.
Chapter 28
Aweek later, Elizabeth sat in the carriage gazing out the window. She hardly paid attention to the children talking to her, and about half an hour ago, she had watched Ashton Park fade away from her sight.
She was on her way to Grovnor Park with Lord Ashton’s family. The couple had taken a separate carriage, and the children, their nanny, Elizabeth, and a maid had taken a bigger carriage. Lady Martha was not very welcoming to the idea of the children travelling separately. Lord Ashton had to reason with her that they would be more comfortable in the bigger carriage.
“What do you say about this arrangement, Miss Smith? I wonder if it would be inconvenient for his children to accompany him and his wife in their carriage. I don’t think there a question of privacy here, when it comes to his own children.”
She had said this to Elizabeth with a sense of annoyance during tea the previous day.
“If I may speak plainly, madam, I could share my thoughts on the subject.”
“Well, I do not know any instance where you have not been open with me. Please go ahead.”
“As much as the children would like to travel with their father, that case would press me and their nanny to travel in the same carriage. Between all of us, I think the children would never settle down or rest during the journey. They may not want to sleep or ask their father to play with them most of the time. I think it is a better choice for them to travel separately.”
Lady Martha had to agree with Elizabeth’s point. She had more often than not seen her son pamper the twins, tryingto compensate for his absence at times due to business or his commitments with Lady Isabella.
That morning, Elizabeth bid a tearful goodbye to Lady Martha. They were to reach Grovnor Park by the next day. Elizabeth gazed out of the window, seeing the hills rolling by. Her heart and mind circled around Darcy, who was currently absent from Derbyshire.
She recalled the events of the previous week with sadness.
The day after the proposal, Georgiana visited Elizabeth in distress. She informed Elizabeth that her brother had left Pemberley owing to some urgent business in town, and Elizabeth could not believe it.
“I feel so wretched. You are leaving soon, and he is also not here. I am going to feel so lonely. I do not know what came up so suddenly. He said he had to leave and left even without breaking his fast. I am worried, Miss Smith. I feel something is wrong; I do not know what, but I wish he told me.”
Elizabeth did not know how to console Georgiana, fully aware of the reason behind Darcy’s sudden departure.
She replayed the words she had said to refuse him; it pained that she had accused him of ruining her life in Derbyshire.
He left so that I would not have to endure his presence. Good God! He left his beloved sister alone for the sake of what I said.
She felt incredibly guilty and ashamed to face Georgiana. She knew how much Darcy’s absence would affect her.
The whole week had been difficult for Elizabeth. Every time she sat in the parlor, Darcy’s face haunted her.
His devastation as she rejected him was evident in every feature of his face, and Elizabeth could not imagine what he had gone through.
