Page 83 of The Governess of My Heart
What am I to do now? How am I to live in this world with the torment of being near her?
Her words echoed in his mind.
She accused me of ruining her life.
His heart broke when he realized how much distress he had caused her.
She must see me as another wealthy man who does whatever he pleases without caring about her feelings or well-being.
He could not imagine meeting her again, not just because he still loved her dearly, but because he realized the truth in her words. Darcy was guilty of ruining Elizabeth’s peace and happiness in her current life as a governess.
God knows what she has been through as a governess, and I have ruined her life here, as she seemed very happy in Ashton Park. What she says is right; we could never be in thesame room together again. She has to endure me for the sake of society and act cordially because of my relationship with the Ashtons. She values Georgiana’s friendship, and she is an employee at Ashton Park, so she cannot avoid me explicitly. I wanted to keep her happy, but I have achieved the opposite.
The pain in his heart reminded him of his torment when his mother passed away. Elizabeth’s refusal was equivalent to his mother’s loss, and Darcy realized how much he valued and loved her. He also knew that there was no hope of winning her heart. She had decided against him, and as much as he hated to admit the truth of it, she had no second thoughts about it.
She truly hates me.
***
And yes, she hated him with all her heart. In Ashton Park, Elizabeth hurried to her room before anyone could spot her state of distress. The moment Darcy left; she had burst out crying.
Now, she locked herself in her room in agony. She was completely shocked by his declaration and tormented by his intentions.
How could he? How could he want to marry me? Me, a governess? A nobody?
She could not make sense of it and could not understand how Darcy could expect her to be the mistress of Pemberley. She was baffled by his regard for her, and she could not believe his words.
She had belittled him and termed his regard as feelings of pity. But Elizabeth was not a fool. The emotion in his voice and his heartfelt declaration of his love were nothing but sincere. But she could not accept it because she hated him.
She hated him from the moment she saw him on the cliff. She hated the man who saved her life, who argued with her and looked at her with his piercing gaze every time she was in his company.
Elizabeth hated him because she felt extremely vulnerable in his company. Her wall of defense melted away when she held his gaze because she felt he could read her lies. And the hate multiplied now more than ever because he offered her a future filled with happiness and love, forcing her to accept everything she had decided against.
Out of all these reasons, the most important was that she hated him because she had fallen inlovewith him deeply a long time ago. Now, she understood he felt the same way, but she was in no position to accept him. Elizabeth could not accept him because in her heart she knew that she did not deserve him.
Chapter 27
Elizabeth did not know when it started, but she was in the middle of it before she realized she had fallen deeply in love with Darcy.
The moment she met him on the cliff was etched in her memory forever; his handsome face filled with surprise and concern for her.
She owed him her life as he had saved her without even knowing it. Her anger towards him at the bookstore reflected her anger towards herself, as he reminded her of her cowardly act.
Later, when she met him in Ashton Park, she was surprised he did not use his status and friendship with the Ashton family to belittle or ruin her employment.
Every moment she spent in his company, Elizabeth strangely felt comforted by his presence. She hated to admit the same, and the feeling terrified her.
The reason she wanted to avoid him was to safeguard her heart. She admired his affection and care for his sister. As days passed, in his eyes, she could see the same affection towards herself. Elizabeth deemed it impossible for a man of such status to have regard for her.
When she heard her maid’s story about his support for a ruined woman, her thoughts immediately rushed to her mother, and she wished someone like Darcy had supported her.
It took long for her to admit it, but she loved him with all her heart, as she had not seen a man like him. She fought hard to forget him, but it was impossible when she had to face him so often. Every night, Elizabeth was in turmoil, and day by day, she felt agitated even when she heard the mention of his name. She felt the need to disclose the torment she underwent to someone,and the only person who ever knew about her love for Darcy was Mary.
She wrote to Mary, confiding her innermost thoughts and dilemmas. Mary had replied to each of her letters. She was aware of everything happening between them during their acquaintance.
“...Lizzy, why would you say it is wrong for you to love someone like Mr. Darcy? Since when did you care about society in terms of status and wealth? From his conversations with you, I think you may not be alone in your feelings. You say he singled you out and asked for a dance. Help me understand why he would do that unless he wanted you to understand his heart. Why do you want to distance yourself from a respectable man who returns your sentiments? Do you think he cares about society? I do not think so. You deserve to be happy, Lizzy. Please do not let the past ruin your future. You did nothing wrong. Even if Mr. Darcy comes to know of the past, he will stand by you…”
There were several letters from Mary regarding this matter.
