Page 107 of Free to Believe
“I would have torn my arms from my body and my eyes from my face before I let Jenna get hurt, yet you said I was cursed. That being around me was what hurt her.”
“I wasn’t thinking rationally.” I wasn’t thinking at all. But now I am. And I’m silently begging for a chance to explain.
“Did it ever occur to you I was injured too? Did you want me to die for your daughter? I was willing to. Do you know who I had to call for help to make sure my own head injury wasn’t going to kill me as I scrambled to get off the island? After being so ill it took me almost a damn hour to climb the stairs to get to the apartment, I managed to call the only people on the planet who I knew would come save me, and they dropped everything to do so. My family.” I blanch. “That’s right. It took them four hours on a private jet to get to me. Jason wanted to bring me back to the hospital to have me looked over, and I refused. I’d rather have died than seen your face again.” Em’s words pound at me like physical blows. In some small way, this is how I made her feel.
And it’s unacceptable.
She turns away from me again. I know this is the end. The last time I’ll see her. Abruptly, she stops. “I’ll always believe one thing you said to me.”
“What’s that?” I manage to choke out.
“That I’m going to kill anything I love. So, after tonight, keep Jenna the hell away from me so I know both of you will live.” Tears clog her voice. “Goodbye, Jacob.”
“Goddamnit, Em. You’re wrong!” My voice echoes in the cavernous room.
She shakes her head in denial.
I cross to where she’s standing. I’m behind her, but I don’t have the right to touch her. Not anymore. “I am so sorry. I was afraid. I lashed out at anyone who could feel anything beyond scared that night. But you’re wrong too. You don’t bring upon death to those you love.”
“Some of us don’t have the right to feel.” Her voice is so remote, it’s as if she’s entombed herself inside her walls for her own protection.
“You’re wrong. You taught it to me,” I argue. “I’ve been talking to a doctor. I swear to you. He helped me realize I didn’t know how to love—how to trust—after Michelle. You showed me love isn’t just the moon and the stars, but the earth, the sun, the clouds, and the rain too. It’s the good, the bad, the pain as well as the pleasure. It’s about finding the person to get you through all of that and still be without on the other side. You taught me love is all of those things, Emily.” In disgust, I mutter, “I’m the one who should be on his knees.”
Silence envelops us both. I hear her harsh breathing in synchronization with my own. It’s a hope, a small one, but she hasn’t walked away.
Slowly she turns to face me. We’re less than a foot apart when I see her face. From a distance, I couldn’t see the wear and tear. Now, I can see it’s been ravaged by months of pain. Up close, I can see the fatigue in her dark blue eyes. Her cheeks are gaunt behind the expert makeup job.
Her lips part before she says, “Then why aren’t you?”
66
Emily
Shock holds me in place as Jake lowers himself first on one knee, then the other. Sitting back on his heels, he tips his head back at me. His face is wet even though tears aren’t actively falling.
I can’t process the way he’s humbling himself before me. I have to give him a few truths so I can move on with the life I’ll allow myself to have. Which won’t be much of a life at all, but at least I’ll survive.
“I want you there while you listen to what I have to say.”
He nods his head.
“I refuse to ever be a whipping post for anyone ever again. My heart has to beat for myself first, and it’s been doing a crappy job of that.” I begin pacing back and forth. Champagne sloshes over my hand. I lift my hand to my mouth and sip it off.
“I learned I’m willing to go to the ends of the earth to be able to love without fear, but I’m not willing to fear love. If it means not loving anymore, I’ll do that. Because it’s easier than protecting myself from it.” Jake’s eyes darken at my words, but he doesn’t say anything. I continue. “And I’m stronger than I give myself credit for, even if I shouldn’t love someone for their own safety,” I end bitterly.
Jake lunges for me and pulls me toward him. Burying his head in my stomach, he shakes his head back and forth. “I should go to hell for ever adding to your fear of that. People didn’t die because they loved you, Em. You just felt that because your heart kept breaking. Stop the cycle with me.” Lifting his head, he rests his chin against me. “Please, Em. Please, listen to me.”
I place a hand on his shoulder. “Jake, I’ve accepted who and what I am. Just let me go.” I take a step back. He follows me on his knees. I shake my head. “Stop, please. This isn’t why I came out here.” I move backward again.
“Then why did you?”
“To show you I’ll live, damn you. To show you didn’t completely bleed me dry.” A sob hitches in my throat. “To make you beg the way you made me beg before I consign you to hell.”
“I’m already there, Emily.” Now, I can see the tears in his eyes, and they infuriate me more.
“Liar!” I scream. “You told me I was enough to send you into a rage. To get the hell out of your sight. You told me that. Why did you really come here? To ruin the most important night of my life?”
“No. That’s impossible considering how much I love you.”
