Page 20 of Thorns That Bloom
“We can’t know or be prepared for everything.”
I suppose she’s right.
With a nod, I continue without looking up. I keep my unfocused eyes fixed on her shiny black shoes. “I didn’t expect to feel these feelings, the feelings that…I experienced when it happened, because…” I trail off, feeling the grip of panic around my chest. Tightening my fist, I draw in a deep breath, trying to push the sensation away.
“What feelings?” she asks firmly, probably in an attempt to distract me from the spiral she must see me approaching.
I shift my gaze to one of the green paintings, my throat tight. The scent of vanilla is comforting. I focus on it instead of the cold, distant sensation outside of my body that my mind is being pulled toward.
“My heat. Heat-like symptoms, mostly, but it felt almost like a heat. It came on when I was at work, and I-I didn’t know something like that could happen in pregnancy. I just thought I wouldn’t have to think about it for eight months.” That I could work on that part of myself that they ruinedlater.
“Pregnancy is such a wondrous, yet incredibly tumultuous time for our minds and bodies, isn’t it?” Dr. Stewart says, and something about her tone makes me look at her. She talks like she knows.
“Have you ever…?” I ask in a low tone. It feels weird asking someone about it. Can she even talk about personal stuff?
She responds enthusiastically, without delay. “Oh, no, not personally! But my significant other was pregnant when we started our relationship, and twice more since then. It made me want to learn and research as much as I possibly could about it, so I have a good idea about the trials and tribulations, as well as the joys, I would say,” she adds with a gentle smile. “The experience can be quite different from person to person. It’s nothing to be ashamed of that you were overwhelmed or thrown off by the unexpected.”
Humming, I nod, rubbing my thumb against my stomach.
“It just took me by surprise, I guess, and reminded me of…things I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with for a while.”
Her deep brown eyes follow me intently as I speak. “So, the feelings you experience during your heat now seem linked to that traumatic memory, and this brought them back up, do I have that right?”
My throat feels like it’s closing up again. “Yeah,” I whisper, flaring my nostrils.
You’re not going to cry at the first session. Not gonna be one of those people.
“Do you think it was simply experiencing them, or were there external factors as well that made you unable to process that safely?”
I shiver thinking back on it. “No, I didn’t feel safe.” All of it was wrong in the most perfect way. Like everything that could push me over the edge was right there. The unfamiliar people, those two alphas, in the goddamn restroom of all places… “Where I was reminded me of where I was when…when I was assaulted.”
Here it goes. Finally.
It’s almost like going over a wave of a roller coaster, finally spitting that out. Even though she knows damn well what I’m dancing around, saying it out loud feels a little liberating.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Sam. That’s the last thing you needed on top of the already stressful symptoms that you weren’t expecting. For you to have felt triggered in that moment was absolutely natural and understandable.”
“I thought I’d be able to handle it and push it out of my mind like I usually do, but it completely overwhelmed me. I broke down like some— An-anyway, they had to call an ambulance to make sure it was just a panic attack…and now I feel like I embarrassed myself at work. I moved there to escape the whispers. People knowing what happened. Now, it feels like I’ll have to deal with it again.”
I realize how tight my chest feels, so I force myself to take a deep breath. Dr. Stewart seems pleased with that, slowly raising her hand and mimicking the motion of expanding my rib cage as I do.
“The thing with feelings like these is that the more we push them away, the more we try to ignore them, the more powerful they become. It might work for a while, but that only gives them the strength to return—over and over again—until we decide to fully face and process them.”
“What if Idon’twant to process them?” I huff out begrudgingly.
“It is entirely up to you when you decide to deal with them. You cannot do something you’re not ready for. But the longer you let them fester, the bigger the shadow they cast.”
The shadow is terrifying and all-encompassing enoughalready. It has been since the moment it happened.
“Besides…you’re here,” she says with a tender smile, pointing at me with her open hand. “You undoubtedly made a step toward healing, and you clearly want to overcome this. That in itself is a wonderful thing. You are already making progress. Today, you might not feel ready to process those emotions, but maybe tomorrow or next week will be a different story.”
It’s true that I can’t hide from it forever. I know that.
“Let me ask you this. What is your goal here? What is the result you would like to take out of this?”
I press my lips together, tightening the grip on my stomach. “I just want to be a good parent. I don’t want any of this darkness to transfer to my child in any way.”
Dr. Stewart smiles when I glance up at her. Her expression is supportive. Even…comforting. “That’s a wonderful goal. What I would like you to do is set smaller, more realistic targets. Sort of like markers on the way. A huge objective like, let’s say, saving the world, is great, but it might seem completely unachievable with its grandeur. So, it’s important to create more manageable goals we can work on even when we don’t feel our best or when the size of the main one might overwhelm us. What are your goals for the next five, six months?”
