Page 21 of Thorns That Bloom
Pushing the air out of my nose, I pensively look behind her, narrowing my eyes.
What are my ambitions for right now? Well…
“I…guess I want to learn to exist around alphas again without feeling like I...like I need to be on edge all the time and like all of them are a danger to me.”
Because logically, I know they aren’t. But at times, convincing myself of it seems like an impossible task. And that makes me angry. It makes me so damn angry that they had this effect on me. They permanently altered my mind and body, against my will, in more ways than the most obvious one.
“That’s a perfectly reasonable goal,” she says confidently, nodding at me. “For us venusfolk, the world is even more complex and hard to navigate sometimes. Do you have any positive alphas in your life that you could work off this feeling of security and comfort from?”
“Not really,” I mutter.
She must notice something about my face, since she knits her brows with the faintest hint of concern. “It’s very important to have a safety net of people you trust around you, especially at times like these. Is there anyone like that, regardless of second gender?”
Sighing, I look down. This is the time when I get a talking-to about how badly I’ve been dealing with this, huh? “I’ve sort of…left everyone behind when I moved. I’m fine that way. I never was much of a social butterfly,” I say with a smirk. “I’ve been called abrasive, even before it happened. I was always a bit of a cynical, unlovable weirdo. People and I usually don’t mesh that well.”
I don’t go into details of how the reaction of those around me, whom I considered friends, or at least good people, hurt me. How it frustrated and enraged me. I don’t want to even give them the time of day inside my head. All I want is to forget and leave them behind.
She takes a moment to respond. Does she think I’m some antisocial asshole? Maybe she’s going to diagnose me withsome personality disorder…
I struggle to hold in an anxious sigh.
“You don’t need to be buddies with everyone, Sam. And you don’t need that many close friends, either. But it’s important to let yourself trust the right people. Even if it’s simply—” She goes quiet, thinking with her lips pursed. “Have you thought about maybe joining some groups of gestating omegas? Attending classes? What about some things you like to do? Hobbies, clubs?”
“I’ve thought about that,” I say quietly, darting my eyes across her table. There’s a picture frame there with its back to me. I wonder if it’s her partner, and what they look like. “It’s just that I have to focus on work right now. On saving up for the baby, and doing well, and…”
As I trail away, momentarily overwhelmed by all those thoughts, Angel intervenes. “Thinking of your financial situation is the responsible thing to do, but your little one will benefit much more from a happy parent. Don’t forget to take care of yourself first. Remember how, when you are on a plane, they tell you to put your mask on first before helping anybody else in case of an emergency? Think of that principle.”
I let out an uncomfortably shaky breath, fidgeting on the couch.
“Right,” I say, chuckling awkwardly.What the hell am I supposed to say?I know I’m messing up. I know I need help to stop flopping in this shit like a stupid toddler. That’s why I came here.
Dr. Stewart shifts in her seat, making me face her again. She writes something in the notebook on her lap. “I think you’ve made a huge leap already, and this is more than enoughfor today, what do you say?” she asks, and her calming eyes study me gently for a response.
I nod.
I didn’t cry or break down, which is great, but I do feel somewhat drained. My chest is lighter than it was before after saying some of these things out loud, but I would love to go and lie down. It’s still…a lot.
“Wonderful. Remember, we’re taking this one step at a time. It might feel like we didn’t accomplish much today, but we did. We’ve established a goal you can focus on and talk to me about in our next session. You wanted to learn to trust and be comfortable around alphas again, correct?”
I nod once more, and she continues.
“I want you to know, to hear it from me if nobody else, that you didn’t deserve or ask for what happened to you. And I am sure that most alphas you come across in your life wouldcertainlyfeel the same. But I also understand that—especially when it comes to pheromones and our bodies going through such intense states, like when in heat—it goes far deeper. The things we feel and the emotions tied to these experiences are so innate that we can hardly explain them away to ourselves with words or logic. The undeniably intimate nature of it makes everything much messier. Still, I would like you to try to be in the presence of an alpha you are comfortable with, to show your subconscious that a situation like that doesn’t necessarily mean danger. Would you like to work on that until the next time we see each other? That is, if you’re happy to return for another session,” she adds with a calm smile, signaling that there’s no pressure for me to end it here.
My first instinct is discomfort.
Do I want to keep talking about this and opening up this wound? No. I want to curl up at home, eat ice cream, and live with the foolish notion that things will magically improve on their own. But I also know I have to be sensible. It’s no longer only me I have to worry about.
For the sake of the innocent life inside me, I need to do better. Even if that feels fucking exhausting.
“Yeah,” I finally say, meeting her eyes with determination. She’s not as frustrating to me as the other therapist I talked to after the assault. Maybe it’s the type of person she is, or maybe it’s because things are not as fresh. Either way, I’ll take it. “I guess it feels good to…talk to someone.”
“I’m glad you feel that way, Sam. I look forward to helping you work through this. And allow me to assure you again; you’re already doing great.” Even as she says that typical therapist crap they all echo, I let her have it and smile. It always sounded so disingenuous to me, but coming from her, I…want to believe it. “Very well! Let’s arrange the next session. How does that sound?” She stands from her chair and goes around her desk to interact with her computer.
While she does that, I look down at my stomach.The things you make me want to do for you, little one. Becoming a better person—me? Who would’ve thought?
I've cared greatly about some people in my life. I’d even say that I truly loved a few of them. But not one of them made me want to change or better myself.
I guess pregnancy hormones really are something else.
