Page 78 of Severed Heart
“It is as is for everyone.”
“It’s not like I’m hiding a whole other personality. It’s just anger,” he explains, “emotion overload.”
“Of this, you are sure?”
“No,” he spouts in aggravation. “I don’t fucking know.” His jaw hardens a fraction. “This is a weird conversation.”
“It isuncomfortableconversation because you fear maskless Tyler. Welcome to the dark side of the force, Luke,” I joke. “Do you have bad thoughts when you go dark?”
“They’re blackouts, so I don’t know.”
“Then you need to tap into them and find out.”
“How in the hell can I do that?” He balks. “It’s absence of consciousness. I can’t just flip a switch to get to that headspace.”
“Why not?”
“Why not?”
“Because ... that’s not possible. This isn’t fucking Star Wars, there is no force to tap into,” he scoffs.
“It is possible. If you can breathe your way out, why can you not breathe your way in? May not be nonsense like Jedi force, but our minds are very powerful.”
“I’m aware.” He bites his lip as he considers my words. “So, you mean, like, blink to black?”
“Exactly.” I nod.
“Seems unrealistic,” he dismisses.
“Tyler, do you believe that people who carry out orders to kill feel happy mental space before every mission?”
“No, but—”
“Sociopaths and bloodthirst killers maybe, but made weapons, like a sniper, do much psychological training to do their job and after to remain humane.”
“How in the hell am I going to do that? You know of a sniper school around here?”
“I told you I can help you with this. We can start anytime. I’m waiting on you, but you are resisting this. Purposely stalling.”
“Because this whole conversation is fucking . . .” He glances over at me and grins to help to lighten the tension. “Let me get this straight. You’re trying to lure me to the dark side of the force?”
“No, this conversation is nonsense to you because you are making it nonsense. I’m pointing out truth. You need to look inside and see what is there. Maybe you do not believe me or hear me because you think me weak for not defending myself to Dominic.”
He gapes at me. “Where is this coming from? I never said that.”
“You don’t have to. I canfeelyour annoyance when I do not defend myself to him, but your mask won’t let you say it.”
“It’s not my business, but yeah, it bothers me to see you hurt.”
“Don’t let it, and do not let it interfere with your relationship with Dominic. In taking a look inside, I know my lack of mask allowed me to behave horrible towardtwoscared little boys, and I failed them because I’m not a maternal woman.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. The maternal part, anyway.”
“There is when you have to raise two grieving young boys. It was a problem I could not solve in the haze, and I hurt them for it.”
“You had been through something. You had just lost your sister.”
I shake my head. “Try again.”
