Page 1 of The Substitute
ONE
TOBI
The wind burns my face as I stare out over the East River. I don’t know how long I’ve sat out here, since I left my phone in my room, but the sun dips behind the skyscrapers, turning the clouds pink, purple, and orange. It’s beautiful, but I don’t enjoy it. It feels like a beautiful tragedy.
If only I could plunge into nothingness and have people stop and stare in wonder at the beauty splashed across the scene.
Can death be beautiful?
Flowers bloom, only to shrivel and wither and fall apart.
Does knowing death is following make the beauty less?
But I’m not a flower.
Doesn’t matter if I’m in full bloom or wasting away—no one notices. No one cares. I’m just here. In the background of other people’s lives. Never anyone’s first choice. Taking up space and oxygen. It’s heavy on my chest like it’s trying to suffocate me. Why can’t I just end it all? I’m so tired of fighting.
I’m tired of being alone.
Excluded.
How can I live in one of the most populated cities in the US yet be completely isolated? Millions of people live in this city,but I’m a ghost moving through the streets. No one sees me. They never have.
If I climbed this railing and jumped, no one would stop me. People would miss me, but then they’d forget. And it would make everyone’s life easier. Honestly, what’s the point? Why am I still living in the shadows?
My best friend that I’ve been in love with for years, the one person I had that was mine, is in love with my dumbass brother.
All I needed was another confirmation that my brother is more lovable than me. Rhys was the only person I had left. The only one that didn’t fawn over the big dumb hockey player. I’ve been in Teddy’s shadow my entire life. Lost everyone to him. And he doesn’t even see it. No one stops what they’re doing with him to talk to me, yet the reverse happens all the time.
Isn’t the youngest supposed to be everyone’s favorite? Apparently, it’s the brainless dolt. The smart kid who isn’t into blood thirsty sports but does like science gets tossed to the back and forgotten.
No one worries about me.
No one checks in on me.
No one cares.
They never have.
Cold seeps into my bones as I lean against the metal railing. How long would it take for someone to realize I was gone?
Days?
Weeks?
Does it matter?
Teddy and Rhys are awkward around me and don’t want to see me. I’m just their third fucking wheel now. Not that I want to see them either, but why am I never worth fighting for?
What is wrong with me?
Why am I unlovable?
What did I do?
Mom and Dad barely realize I’m there. I don’t have anything else. I have nothing. Everyone would be better off with me out of the way.
Invisible.
