Page 2 of The Substitute
Unwanted.
Unlovable.
A knot forms in the back of my throat, and I hate myself for caring. I’m so weak. So needy. No one wants to be around me. I can’t blame them. I don’t want to be around me either.
I don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t want to exist anymore.
Lifting myself up on the railing, I swing one leg over, then the other, sitting on the top of the barrier, and I let the tears I’ve been holding in fall. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t?—
“Hey.”
I startle at the man’s voice that carries on the wind. Turning toward the sound, I can barely see him through the pain pouring from my heart down my cheeks.
“That’s a terrible idea,” he says.
“Wh-why?” I barely manage to get the word out through my sobs. Nerves tingle through me, down to my toes and finger tips. Is it anticipation or fear? I don’t know. I just want it all to stop. I don’t want to be broken anymore.
“I mean, do you want the real fucking answer, or the bullshit one?”
I twist a little to look at him.
He shrugs. “Least I’m asking. I coulda just bullshitted you.”
I roll my eyes, but maybe he’s right. I want the real answer. “Real.”
“You probably won’t die anyway, not really high enough.”
I don’t want to believe him, but it sinks in a little. “You don’t think?”
“And you might lose all your agency. Then you’re stuck in your fuck’n head and can’t do a damn thing about it.” He approaches me slowly and leans against the railing like I was a minute ago, looking over the dark water.
“W-why do you c-care?” I wipe my sleeve across my face and look down at the slithering blackness glinting in the lights. “N-no one else does.”
“I just do.” He slides a little closer so we’re almost touching.
“No, you don’t! You’re trying to be a good person, but tomorrow or next week or a year from now, you won’t remember me. Just fuck off and leave me alone!” I’m screaming at him. Completely out of control of my emotions while I grapple with the fact that I wasn’t even worth telling the truth to. They lied to my face. Betrayed my trust. For weeks. My brother and my best friend thought so little of me that they didn’t bother to think about how I would feel in any of it. I’m breathing too fast, the ragged air ripping at my throat as I scream into the dark.
“You’re wrong,” the guy says, turning to face me. “I’ve thought about jumping, too. I’ve been in that same spot you are, with one foot hanging over the water.” His tone works its way under my skin and makes me believe him. “I’m just doing what I wish someone woulda done for me.”
I spin on him, shoving my face into his as I seethe my words through clenched teeth. “You know how it feels to be invisible? To have no one give a fuck about what happens to you or why? For the man you’ve loved since middle school to start fucking your brother and lie to your face about it for weeks? You know how that is?!”
I’m so close to him that I can see the warm brown of his eyes with flecks of yellow and green around the pupil. They’re beautiful. I’m glad I got to see them before?—
He cups my face, and it surprises me, making me jump back. In the blink of an eye, I’m falling.
My butt slips off the rail, and I’m grappling for something to hold onto while the bottom of my stomach drops in a scream.
For a split second, I know I’m going to die, and I didn’t even get to make the choice.
But I don’t want to end.
I just want to stop being invisible.
An arm bands around me like steel, and I desperately cling to the man saving me. My heart is pounding as I beg him to help me. In the longest and fastest second of my life, I’m pulled over the wall and fall onto him. My stomach turns, emptying the small amount of food I’ve had today onto the walkway while I tremble so badly, I can’t hold myself up.
The man who saved me slides to a seat with his back against the rail next to me, rubbing my back and saying things like ‘you’re okay.‘
I pull my knees into my chest and drop my head, sobbing. Every part of my body is shaking in a way I’ve never felt before.
