Page 80 of A Part of Me and You
‘Darling, I am sure there are so many things going through your head right now,’ Eliza says to me, ‘but you have to remember that this happened before Matt even knew you so it doesn’t bear on how he feels about you at all. This will be as big a shock to him as it is to you. Please don’t act too irrationally over it. You have been doing so well and you can’t let this take over your own wellbeing. It might not be a bad thing when it all sinks in. You’re in shock. I’m in shock too.’
I want to punch someone. I want to scream and shout and kick and pull my hair out and make this all go away. I want my Lily back. I want to snuggle her in and hold her close and smell her innocent baby smell and wave at Matt from our front door as he arrives home from his trip and spend the evening in sheer bliss watching her toddle around our home as he catches my eye every time she does something cute or new. We’ll smile at each other and for that split-second it’ll be like the world stops because she is ours and we made her and no one will ever marvel at the things she does like we do. She is a part of me and Matt. I want her back. I need her back. I want my mum. Oh God, I want my mum.
Eliza goes to the kitchen and gets me a brandy and I down in it in one. The irony; the sheer cruelty of it all. Four times our babies died, then we had Lily and we only had her for three years until she was taken too. And now I find out that Matt already has what I have been trying to give him for all our married life and he doesn’t even know she exists. And the most painful thing of all, yet maybe the most beautiful thing of all, is that I love her already. Despite my shock, I know that I love his little girl already.
Over an hour later when we have gone over it all until we have nothing more to analyse and share, Eliza agrees to leave me after much convincing that I am slowly letting the bombshell that Rosie is my husband’s daughter sink in and a flurry of emotions go through my mind as I walk her to the door.
‘I’m sorry if I startled you earlier when I called,’ I say to her when she reaches her car. ‘I didn’t know what else to do. I had to tell someone and I was sure you would tell me I was imagining things, just like I was before when I thought I saw glimmers of Lily in other young girls.’
Eliza walks towards me.
‘Shelley, I promised Matt that I would look out for you every step of the way while he is gone and even if I hadn’t made that pact with him, you know that you are my family and I would come to your aid at any time of day or night, you know I would.’
I do know this. Eliza has been a wonderful friend to me as well as being my mother-in-law and I know that a lot of people don’t find that bond with the so called other woman in their husband’s life.
‘So Betty knew the moment she saw Rosie that she had to be related to Lily?’ I say to her. ‘That’s mad. I didn’t even see that myself. Well, I thought I did for a fleeting moment but—’
‘Yes, Betty did the sums,’ says Eliza. ‘She did question the poor girl at first on why she was here, what age she was, who she was with, etc and then it clicked into place. She didn’t mean any harm, love. This could eventually be something very positive for you and Matt, although it might not seem as such now. You must see some hope in all of this?’
‘I don’t know, maybe I will do one day,’ I say to Eliza. ‘Maybe when I get over this shock and when Matt does too, this might be the best thing that ever happened to us. And Rosie. Oh my God I haven’t even thought about how she is going to feel about all this. Or Juliette. I haven’t even gone to see Juliette yet today. I need to go to see her.’
I can’t imagine how I am going to find the words to tell Juliette what I now know. Will she be happy? Relieved? Angry that Matt told her a lie all those years ago? And Rosie? Well, it means that she will be forever a part of our lives now which of course will always be a blessing, but how will she feel about my husband being her real father?
‘Do you think I should tell her, Eliza? Juliette is dying and I don’t want to shock or stress her. Oh, I wish I knew what to do.’
Eliza thinks for a moment.
‘You know better than I do on that one,’ says Eliza. ‘But you did say one of her hopes was to find her daughter’s father when she was here?’
I nod.
‘She’s afraid to leave Rosie all alone,’ I tell Eliza. ‘We made a pact that I would look out for her and that she would look out for Lily in heaven in return. Jesus, Eliza, Rosie is Lily’s sister? She is your granddaughter too. How does that even make you feel? There is just so much to take in with it all.’
Eliza puts her hands to her face.
‘You know I haven’t even thought of that,’ says Eliza. ‘I was so caught up in how you were feeling about it all but wow, I have another granddaughter. Oh Shelley, I miss Lily so much! I miss her every single day of life, I really do!’
And for the first time in a very long time, the woman who has been my absolute rock, who has propped me up when I was falling and who mopped up my tears when I screamed and cried for mercy, is crying now on my shoulder for the loss we have both suffered and for this very strange second chance to live again.
I am going to talk to Juliette. I need to go right now and find out for sure if all our suspicions are true. My heart is thumping and my head is sore but I can’t stop to overthink this. I am shaking with nerves and I am terrified and maybe a bit in shock still, but it’s the least I can do. I must go and tell her right now before it’s too late.
Chapter 25
Juliette
The clock is ticking in the room and rather than irritate me, I find it soothing as the hours pass by, minute by minute, second by second. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, stop.
‘Michael just called,’ whispers my sister and I want to tell her to start speaking in a normal tone and not to hush round me like I am already dead.
‘Did he call or did he whisper like he was already at my wake?’ I ask Helen and she half-smiles, then she speaks normally.
‘He has been talking to Dr McNeill, the lady who just left and who has been medicating you,’ she explains to me. ‘They have both agreed … they have both agreed that it would be unwise to try and move you right now, Juliette. I’m really sorry but you won’t be able to fly home today. I’m sorry.’
I think back to the days when Helen and I were teenagers and when our mother would be tearing her hair out in despair as we fought over everything from a pair of tights to a bottle of perfume to lipstick and boys, and how she always said that one day we would stop fighting and be the best of friends. Helen is truly my best friend in the world. My only sister. My mother, as always, was absolutely right.
‘Mum and Dad are on their way here now,’ she says to me. ‘Dan is hiring a car for a few days so he can go and pick them up later tonight and we will just look after you and make sure you are as comfortable as you possibly can be.’
‘Where’s Rosie?’ I murmur. Despite my joking with Helen about not whispering around me, it’s as much as I can manage myself right now.
