Page 70 of A Part of Me and You
I stand back to look at my reflection and I wish I had some of Rosie’s ability to apply makeup, especially when I’m preparing to deal with all the nudges and stares and whispers that will inevitably come my way.
‘Maybe she won’t be able to hang around too long,’ says Matt, ‘but you can’t control any of that so just relax and do what you can do and be there for her. All she wants is to listen to some music, not a party, so you don’t need to worry about who shows up and who doesn’t. Dermot will make sure there are two or three musicians and the rest of the evening will fall into place naturally.’
Matt is right of course. It’s only a few people sitting round a table playing Irish tunes and maybe singing the odd song. It’s not a leaving party or a celebration or a sad farewell. Juliette wanted to hear some music. I called a friend who plays some music. I invited a couple who I have been friends with for years to come along. I really don’t need to panic about anything. Anyone else who is there would have been there anyway and I’m not being fed to crocodiles. It’s not even about me, after all, and for that I am delighted.
‘I think I’m good to go,’ I tell Matt and I now wish he was on video so he could tell me if I look alright. ‘I’ll call you when I get back and tell you how it goes.’
‘Don’t be worrying about that, either,’ says Matt. ‘Just go and enjoy yourself and have a few drinks with your pals. I’m going to schmooze in the hotel restaurant with more of Bert’s clients and then I’m hitting the hay early, but call me if you want of course. I’m just saying you don’t have to. I want you to have fun, Shell. It’s about time you did this and I am so, so proud of you.’
I feel my heart glow again and it makes me stand tall knowing that I love this man more than anything and that he has totally got my back in everything I do.
‘We’ve come a long way,’ I say to him before I hang up. ‘I’m proud of you too, Matt and I … well I want to thank you for not giving up on me. I think, after what we have come through and will continue to have to live with forever, that we can face anything this world throws at us. We are stronger than we think we are. Thank you for sticking with me and helping me get this far.’
‘I think that anything else life throws at us will be a walk in the park compared to losing our daughter,’ he tells me and I know that he is finding it so hard to have this conversation over the phone when we can’t embrace or celebrate the love we have managed to hold on to throughout this living hell. ‘Now, roll on Saturday when I’ll get home and see my wife and show her in person how much I have missed her.’
I feel a flutter in my belly at the thought of lying beside him and holding him and touching his body like I used to. We have a lot of catching up to do in that department and I can feel the hunger rise within me to make up for lost time.
‘Maybe we can go dancing again soon,’ he says to me, softly. ‘Dinner, drinks and dancing, remember that was always your request when we needed a night out?’
I laugh like a giddy teenager at the memory of how excited we used to be when it was just the two of us, all dressed up and an evening of laughter and love stretched out ahead of us.
‘And then we’d go home and have dessert,’ I say to him and I can’t help but wink at the thought. I make my way downstairs and put Merlin in the kitchen for the evening. I take a moment to look at Lily’s smiling little cherub face from a photo in the hallway as I walk past.
‘I am the happiest man in the world right now,’ says Matt. ‘I think I’ve got my wife back and I’ve fallen head over heels in love with her again.’
‘I’m so in love with you too, Matt,’ I tell my husband as I close the door on our beautiful house that is now beginning to feel like our home again. ‘I always was. It just took a bit of self-love and selflessness to realize it.’
Chapter 22
Juliette
Rosie and I slip into a snug in Brannigan’s and the musicians who have gathered don’t notice us at all as they chat and drink and tune up their instruments. This settles me as I really didn’t want anyone thinking I was planning some grand farewell. Planning … I laugh when I think of how Helen and Rosie have always mocked how I made plans that I never saw through, but this time I seen them through and I am proud of myself for doing so.
‘What would you like to drink, Mum?’ Rosie asks me and a piercing pain hits the back of my head, like a rush of heat and a knifing sensation all at once. I try to focus.
‘Sparkling water,’ I croak and Rosie’s face changes at my reaction.
‘You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We can go right back across the road and get you into bed. Please don’t think you have to stay for my sake.’
‘There’s Shelley,’ I say as our friend spots us and Rosie lights up at her entrance. ‘A slice of lime in my drink would be lovely, please darling, but just wait to see what Shelley wants first.’
‘I’ll just have the same,’ she says, easily joining in with our conversation and I swear, I feel I have known this beautiful creature all my life. She slides into the booth beside me and I feel more at ease, trying to ignore the lingering pain and the thuds that are still going on in my head.
‘Isn’t this lovely,’ I say to Shelley. ‘Lucky you, knowing real musicians who play real instruments! We think it’s great if we have a jukebox working down in our local and even at that, you’d be afraid to turn it up too loud in case it might drown out the horseracing on the telly.’
Shelley, I have to say, looks very pleased with herself and rightly so as she waves across at the three musicians who have now struck up a tune.
‘That’s Dermot on accordion,’ she explains to me, ‘and Mary on fiddle and I think the other guy on fiddle is called Brendan. Aren’t they fab!’
I lean back onto the soft cushion and let the lilting music warm me up from my toes right up to my aching head and I take a moment to let it all sink in. The lilts and the rhythm and the ease of it all fills my soul just as I knew it would and I close my eyes for just a few seconds to make the most of it.
‘I remember the last time I was here so clearly,’ I say out loud, not really knowing why I feel the need to relive it all again to Shelley, who already knows how my story ends. ‘This music takes me right back to all those years ago and I am the same carefree, gullible, free-spirited soul that I was at the age of twenty-five, when all I had to care about was how to get the next bus to wherever it wanted to take me, and whether my money would last before I got home.’
I open my eyes to see Rosie coming towards us, confidently holding each of our drinks as she approaches us, half-walking, half-dancing along to the rhythm of the tunes.
‘I think you might have passed on your free spirit ways to your beautiful daughter,’ Shelley says to me and I am delighted at the very thought.
‘I forgot to ask Dean did he have any snacks,’ she says to us and I look behind her to see the handsome barman who greeted us when we first arrived.
