Page 69 of A Part of Me and You
‘I’m going to get this photo printed when I get home,’ she says to me and I sit back and look at her.
‘Really?’ I ask her. ‘That one? Why?’
‘Yes, and I’m going to frame it along with the picture you just told me about and when I look at it I’m going to remember the mother I had who loved me so much that she only ever saw the good side of things, even when I messed up.’
‘Oh, Rosie.’
‘And I’m going to see in her smile all the kindness and love and positivity that she brought not only to me but to everyone she met,’ she continues. ‘I’m going to remember her love of life and her appreciation of music and art, fashion, food and flowers and everything that adds a little sparkle to every day on this earth. I’m always going to remember that she made me the person I am and I will always try to make her proud of the person I will become as I grow up in the big bad world without her.’
Her lip is trembling and her voice sounds choked as she makes her speech, but she tilts her chin up in defiance and I have never been so proud of her as I am right now. Despite the rush of emotion, I daren’t shed a tear and ruin her work of art on my face so I just pull her in close to me and we squeeze each other tight. When we let go I see the fear that she is trying to hide from me in her beautiful eyes. She already knows what is coming, but I need to make sure she fully understands.
‘I don’t think I have very long left, Rosie,’ I whisper to my beautiful girl and now I can’t help it as the tears flow. ‘But you already know that, don’t you? I’m not feeling great tonight if truth be told and yesterday was just awful. I’m doing my best to be brave, just like you are, but it’s okay to cry if you have to. You don’t ever have to hold back your tears, do you hear me?’
She sniffles and nods her head and then she looks right into my eyes.
‘Don’t be afraid of leaving me, Mum,’ she says to me, shaking her head. ‘You will always be a part of me no matter where you go, and I’ll be a part of you. We don’t have to be afraid because I’ll always feel you near me and I’ll just close my eyes and know you are right in here.’
She puts her hand on her heart and I feel like I am crumbling to pieces inside. This fifteen-year-old girl who will be left with no parents to call her own is telling me not to be afraid of leaving her. She is the one who is going to be left to pick up the pieces and she doesn’t wantmeto be afraid.
‘I am totally blown away with what you have just said, darling but can I ask where in the world you got this strength from?’ I ask my daughter who seems to have had some enlightenment all of a sudden. This was not what I was expecting at all and I am both shocked and delighted that she is able to look at it that way, if only for now and if only to make me feel a little bit better.
‘I think that’s how Shelley is starting to deal with losing Lily and her own mum,’ she announces as if she is suddenly a psychologist or an expert on grief. ‘I know it will take a long time but I think that I will one day be able to remember you in a way that helps me be a better person. If Shelley can get through it, so can I.’
She looks at her phone as a message comes through and she straightens herself up. It must be important, whoever it is as it seems to have distracted her.
‘Get your blue dress on, Mum,’ she says to me. ‘We need to be over at Brannigan’s for seven or Shelley will be wondering where we are.’
She gets up and puts her phone in her pocket and I get the feeling that whoever has just sent her a message, it’s something she doesn’t want to share as she looks all-consumed by it. Teenagers, eh?
‘I’m sure Shelley doesn’t expect us to be there on the button,’ I tell her, feeling the need to lie down again just for ten more minutes. I don’t think I will last very long at the music session but I have to show my face after Shelley’s arranged it all on my request, plus I am desperate to hear the music of Ireland that fills my soul so much every time I listen to it.
‘Well, I think it would be rude if we just swanned in late like it didn’t really matter,’ she says to me, scolding me almost. ‘I don’t think it would be fair on Shelley.’
Shelley, Shelley, Shelley, I think to myself and smile. I will always be so grateful for how she has come into our lives just when we needed her, when Rosie needed someone to lean on and to talk to – someone who understood, in her own way, what Rosie was going through and what she had ahead. What on earth would we have done on this trip without her?
Shelley
I walk around the house and feel like the walls are giving me a hug as I have worked my ass off for the past two hours making it look and feel like a home again.
The elephant that Lily used to climb on is back in the hallway, the canvas from our travels in India is up on the wall in the dining room, our wedding picture takes centre stage in the living room and photos of our life and memories and, most importantly, of our baby daughter who brought so much joy and happiness in her three short years are in every single room and every place where she should be.
I have put candles out and little trinkets and ornaments that I had packed away back on worktops and windowsills, and lamp shades back onto the bare light bulbs that hung so lonely in different rooms and I have put lighting in corners and switched them all on and their glow warms me up inside.
I’ve put rugs down on the tiled and wooden floors and throws back over the settees and armchairs and a mirror here and there where they used to be – and now they no longer frighten me to walk past them and catch my reflection.
Merlin looks more comfortable than ever as he tries out each of the rugs and I kneel down on the floor beside him and snuggle into his furry coat.
‘I’m home, Merlin,’ I tell my forever faithful old friend. ‘At last I think we can remember her properly and keep her a part of me and her dad and even of you. She is part of all of us and I’m going to embrace that from now on and feel her love in every room instead of fearing it. Everything is going to be alright now, Merlin. We’re home again now.’
I take my time getting ready to go out and Matt talks me through how I am going to face up to meeting so many people I know in public, all at the same time, something I never thought I would be able to do again. I have set the phone on my dressing table and I have him on loudspeaker. I haven’t told him about my domestic burst of activity because I want to surprise him with a welcome home surprise so I’m glad he hasn’t video called like he sometimes does in the evenings. Even our bedroom is back to how it once was with pictures on our bedside table – one of the three of us the morning Lily was born on my side of the bed, and another of the two of us on the day of our engagement in New York City where he proposed on Broadway and almost took my breath away.
‘It’s only Brannigan’s,’ he reminds me, ‘and it’s a very kind gesture you have made to take the time to invite people along to make it special for your friend, so try not to overthink it. You’re going to your local pub to listen to some music, that’s all. You will love it, just you wait and see.’
‘Oh, I wish you were here so much,’ I tell him as I put in a pair of tiny silver earrings. I have chosen black jeans and a grey silk blouse from the shop to wear with heels and a biker jacket, that I picked up years ago in Covent Garden market and just had to keep it for myself. ‘I hate walking into pubs on my own, even if it is just Brannigan’s.’
‘Is Sarah going to be there? And Tom?’ he asks me and I know he really does wish he was here too. It has been ages since we all hooked up and after breaking the ice with Sarah, I am really looking forward to hearing more of what she has been up to.
‘She texted to say she would do her best to find a babysitter and if so, they’ll both come out, but it may be hard at short notice,’ I explain to him, remembering the torment of finding a decent babysitter around here when you wanted to go out for an evening. ‘If not, then she’ll pop down herself for an hour to see Juliette. I can’t believe they go home the day after tomorrow. I just hope Juliette doesn’t get any worse. I didn’t like how she looked earlier today when I left. She is exhausted.’
