Page 65 of A Part of Me and You
‘I knew you were going to say that,’ she says.
Of course she did, I laugh to myself. Teenagers know everything, don’t they? How could I possibly forget that?
Shelley works out the DVD player and we snuggle down to watch the movie as I drink my soup and thank God for letting our paths cross in this way. There are reasons for everything in life, I really believe that more than ever now. I may have hit a roadblock with my search for Rosie’s biological father and my dying wish that she might have some direct blood relative who would learn to love and look after her for me, but instead I have met a true friend in Shelley and I have a strong feeling that she will always look out for my little girl, even from afar.
She has fitted in with me and Rosie so easily, though we have only known each other for a few days. I can see her mending before my very eyes, not because I am doing anything in particular, but because she feels she is helping us and she is. Home-cooked meals, horse-riding on the beach, dancing to ‘80s cheesy pop and letting my daughter into her world by letting her walk Merlin, and talking to her about grief is more than I could ever have imagined I’d find in the kindness of a stranger. In turn, we are filling some sort of void in her life I think. She sees in Rosie the little girl she once was and she also sees the daughter she should have had in the future. And I hope that by making her face her own fears, by confronting those gossips, by going out for lunch, by talking to her old friends and just by getting out and about again, that I may be helping her too. But I am weakening fast and I don’t know if I have much more to offer anyone in this life other than my very fragile presence. The painkillers are becoming less effective and I know it won’t be long until I have to give in and see a doctor to help me manage this force that is eating me up inside and taking me further and further away from any quality of life. It is rapid, it is fearless and it is much stronger than I could have ever imagined. If I can just make it to Saturday so I can see Dan and Helen and my parents …
I finish my soup and set the bowl on the coffee table that Shelley has moved so it sits right beside me, within arm’s reach. Then I settle down to watch Tom Cruise strut his stuff, but I barely get past the opening soundtrack when I drift off into a deep and badly-needed sleep.
Shelley
Matt calls me halfway through the movie, and with Juliette out for the count on the sofa, I slip out into the kitchen and close the door to chat to him. Rosie is on her phone as much as she is watching the movie so she hardly notices me as I go past her on my way.
‘Hi honey,’ he says to me. ‘Sorry, were you asleep?’
I look at the time. It’s only just gone nine in the evening.
‘Gosh, no, not at all,’ I say to him. ‘I’m at the cottage with Juliette and Rosie. Oh, Matt she isn’t so good today. I think our trip around the cliffs yesterday was just all too much, or maybe she’s been struggling for a while and she’s kept it quiet. I made her some soup and she’s fast asleep now.’
I finally managed to tell Matt briefly about some of Juliette’s backstory, last night after our boat trip. I told him how she’d come here looking for Skipper to tell him he had a daughter, and how I’d had to break the news to her.
‘It’s such a sad situation, really, isn’t it?’ he says to me. ‘Imagine the thought of leaving your child alone in the world like that. Maybe Skipper’s family will step in and get to know her when they find out. Like I said to you last night, Shell, I will do whatever I can when I get home to try work out a way to track them down.’
‘That would be a good thing to do,’ I say to my husband. ‘It’s such a pity they’re going to be back in England when you get home. It would be so comforting to Juliette to hear that directly from you but I’ll pass it all on when she’s feeling a bit stronger. Maybe she just needed a day off. Even I’m exhausted from it all and I’m not the sick one.’
I keep my voice low in case Rosie can hear me but I’d very much doubt it as she is too engrossed in her phone to listen, and the TV is up loud enough to drown out my voice.
‘You need to take it easy too, Shelley,’ Matt says to me. ‘I know you’re doing a wonderful job by reaching out to these people, but I’m afraid you might crash when they go and you don’t have them to look after anymore. You need to look after you too, honey. I can’t wait to get home to see you.’
I close my eyes and a deep longing to have him here hits me in the stomach.
‘I really need you right now,’ I say to my husband and his silence echoes his surprise. It has been so long since I have admitted how much I really do need him. ‘I can’t wait ‘til you get home too.’
‘We’re going to be okay, aren’t we Shelley?’ he says to me. ‘You know how much I love you. I hope I tell you that as often as you deserve to hear it and most of all, I hope I show you in what I do and say.’
I bite my lip and look to the ceiling, then exhale.
‘I love you too, Matt,’ I say and a tear rolls down my cheek. I can sense his overwhelming relief down the line and I sit there, relishing in the moment and the sheer joy of being able to feel my heart again. ‘I love you so much.’
‘You deserve good things, Shelley,’ he whispers to me. ‘I’m going to get some sleep now but I want you to know I’m so proud of you for looking after that little girl and her mum. You’ve come a long way this week. Our beautiful Lily is still with us, Shelley. She will always be our baby girl and you are the best mummy in the world.’
‘Thank you, Matt,’ I say, sniffling now as the tears flow. ‘I’d better get back to Rosie and see Juliette to bed. You have no idea how much it means to hear you saying that I am a good mother. Thank you.’
‘You will always be Lily’s mother,’ he says to me. ‘She may not be with us in the way she used to, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t her mum and I am still very much her dad. I miss being her dad.’
‘I know you do,’ I say to him and when I close my eyes I see him with her like it used to be, how she’d snuggle in with him on the sofa in the evenings or on lazy Sundays and how she’d call for him in the night just as often as she did for me.
‘You’ve come so far, Shell,’ says Matt and his voice breaks a little. ‘I love that we can talk about Lily now and maybe someday we can remember things she used to do that made us laugh and how she made our life so complete for the short time that we had her. It’s good to talk about her, to remember her.’
‘I can’t wait to see you,’ I whisper, cradling the phone and not wanting him to go. I am so ready now to love him again and to love the memories we have of our daughter instead of fearing them.
We take our time to hang up and I go back into the living room to find Rosie fast asleep just like her mum. I go to over to the armchair and turn down the TV, then I pull a fleecy throw around me and join them, closing my eyes. Maybe we are all just exhausted. Maybe Juliette is going to be okay after a good rest tonight. I won’t leave her side until morning, until I know that she is strong enough to face another day.
Chapter 20
Juliette
THURSDAY
