Page 42 of A Part of Me and You
‘I wish I could tell you it isn’t true,’ I tell him. ‘But it is, Dan, and I promise when I get back on Saturday we can have some time together. I want to make our last days the best days ever, love. We can see this through, me and you, I know we can.’
‘Are you going to tell her about her father and his connections there?’ he asks, his voice choked up with worry. ‘Why Juliette? Why would you really think you need to leave her with the burden of a man who might not even want to know she exists when she has so much to deal with already?’
Where on earth do I start to explain to my recently estranged, darling, lovely, gentle, troubled husband that no matter what my intentions were when it comes to Rosie’s biological father, I have hit a brick wall; that any slight glimmer of hope I may have had in the back of my mind, no matter how foolish it may seem, has come to nothing.
‘He isn’t here, Dan, so you don’t need to worry about any of that,’ I whisper. ‘He never really was here after all, so it’s one less thing for you to be concerned about. We will be home soon and we can have a good long chat about everything, about Rosie’s future, and about yours too.’
I want to say ‘and we’ll all live happily ever after’ but of course that is never going to happen.
‘Please don’t break her heart, Juliette by telling her about him now.’
He sobs down the phone and my lip trembles for the hurt I know he is feeling right now. I have been with this handsome, strong, magnificent man for many years and he devoted every inch of his heart to me and Rosie, so to think of me being here as I face my last days on this earth and not spending time with him must be the ultimate blow.
‘Can I speak to Rosie?’ he asks and my stomach leaps. I don’t want her to hear him cry. Not now when she is in such good form.
‘She’s asleep,’ I say to him. ‘Maybe later?’
‘She isn’t asleep,’ he says and he laughs at my attempt to brush him off. ‘She sent me a text half an hour ago. Jesus, Jules what on earth are you playing at taking her there when you are so unwell? You should be here, with me so we can talk about what’s going on. We could be making plans and just, just talking and – why can’t things just be like they used to be? Why?’
Ah, shit, shit, shit. I am crying now and so is he.
‘Why don’t you come here to us, Dan,’ I tell him. ‘Sober up and come here and be with us and we’ll try and make it like it used to be just the three of us against the world.’
‘Go there? To Ireland?’
‘Yes.’
‘No, no, no, no no,’ he rambles. ‘No, I don’t want to interfere on your holiday and I don’t think I could stand being there, knowing that—’
He lets out a huge sigh and I can just see his handsome smile in my mind when I close my eyes. Drunk or not, I freakin’ love this man and as I spend my last days on this earth, I want to be with him and my daughter for every second but I need him to be straightened up for my last days. That may be selfish of me to insist on that, but it’s the only thing I have left to insist on.
‘This is killing me too, Juliette,’ he says. ‘But you don’t need to hear that, sorry. I just want to see you. I want to touch you. I don’t want you to die.’
He is sobbing heavily now, so I know we are on the wrong path with this conversation.
‘Where are you?’ I ask him. ‘Are you still on Emily’s couch? You should just go home and wait for us there. Go home to our own bed. I won’t be long. I’ll be home soon.’
‘You don’t need to care about me,’ he says. ‘You have enough to worry about. I know that’s why you pushed me away in the first place. I’m not what you need. I’m a burden, an extra stress that you and Rosie don’t need right now.’
‘I didn’t ever say that,’ I say, as my hand automatically goes to my mouth and the tears roll down my face. ‘I just wanted to protect you and I need you to be able to face up to me not being here. It’s out of our hands, Dan. I don’t have very long left.’
I picture him, the handsome, strong, decisive man I used to know and I long for him to show me that person again. How did it come to this? When did we drift so far apart that we lost sight of our sparkle and charm and strength and all the things that made us fall in love?
‘I need you to try and be strong for us all,’ I say to him. ‘I need you Dan. I need you to be strong.’
‘I’m going to get better and so are you,’ he tells me. ‘I promise. We are going to fix all of this. I am going to fix it all and we will have our old life back, just give me time, Juliette. Can you give me time? We’ll build that big house by the sea and we’ll take those holidays and Rosie can have a dog and a pony and anything she wants and …’
I hear Rosie singing in the kitchen and I’m thankful that she is out of earshot for what I am about to say.
‘But I don’t have time anymore, Dan,’ I whisper to him firmly. ‘You have to understand that, babe. There is no time for all of that now. I wish there was, but my time is almost up.’
‘Don’t say that, Juliette,’ he says. ‘There’s bound to be something—’
‘There’s nothing,’ I tell him. ‘We don’t have a happily ever after, Dan but what we do have is the chance to make our last days count and make those as happy as we can possibly be. Now, sort yourself out and I’ll see you on Saturday when we get back. Please, get some sleep. Please, darling. You sound like you need it.’
I hang up the phone and lean back on my pillow, inhaling and exhaling slowly as I embrace this overwhelming sadness. Dan doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the harsh reality of all this. We don’t have a future anymore. My future is right here, right now so I don’t have time to linger and mope. I need to make every second count instead of dwelling on my grief and allowing each day to be a waiting game. I will not wait for this to happen. I’m determined to enjoy every second for as long as I can.
Shelley
