Page 41 of A Part of Me and You
‘I did,’ I nod. ‘I pushed him away because I can’t watch him in so much pain, and he can’t watch me in pain, but boy, I miss him every single day, Shelley. My heart is aching for him. Does that make me a hypocrite? I suppose it does, in a way.’
‘How do you mean?’ asks Shelley.
‘Well, here I am telling you to live your life to the full while you still can and meanwhile back at the ranch I’m pushing away the man I love more than anyone just to make it easier on us both, when in reality it’s not making it easy at all. It’s making it worse, even though I am doing a good job of denying it to myself.’
‘Maybe we just came along at the right time to teach each other a few good old life lessons then?’ suggests Shelley. ‘Maybe we both need to realize what’s important before it’s too late?’
‘I think we have,’ I say to this darling girl who is living each day swallowed up with grief and sadness, though she longs to live and to love again. There is hope for her though. I can see it and I am determined to make her see it too before I leave this place.
Shelley leans on the stone wall to gather herself and I don’t wish to hurry her but I think of Rosie back in the cottage waiting on me to start our movie night.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to spend the evening with us rather than being on your own?’ I ask her. ‘You do know you are very welcome, but I think I’ve pushed you enough today, so don’t feel pressurised.’
‘Gosh, no,’ she says, shaking her head and fixing her jacket. ‘I can walk from here. I’ll go home and ring Matt and I have old Merlin here to look after. Go back to your daughter and cherish every moment with her while you still can, Juliette. And maybe give your hubby a call?’
And in that moment as we stand in the evening breeze with the sea down below us, I realize the intense irony of each of our situations. Shelley would give everything to have what I have had – some time to cherish, albeit cut short, with my only child, and I would give everything to have what she has – a life to look forward to and all the time in the world to do it.
‘We’ll see you again,’ I say to her, reaching out my hand and touching her arm. She smiles, just a little, but it’s always good to see her smile.
‘I hope so,’ she says, and then I watch her walk away, a sad and lonely figure with so much to live for, but who feels she has nothing left to live for at the same time. I see a flicker out at the lighthouse in the distance and a gust of wind blows through my hair. Shelley stops and looks out towards it too and then walks away again, her head bowed and her heart sorry. I really hope I can make her see that her daughter up in heaven is urging her to smile again.
Chapter 14
Juliette
MONDAY
‘Please, I swear Mum, just let me call them and see if they can fit us in. It will only be for one hour at the most. You can watch, you and Merlin. He’ll keep you company and it’s a gorgeous day outside. Come on. Please.’
Rosie sits on the edge of my bed and for the first time in my whole life , I want to gag my darling daughter.
‘Five minutes,’ I tell her. ‘Five minutes of complete silence from you is all I ask and I will contemplate it. Please.’
She sighs from the very tips of her toes and makes a face that would turn milk sour but I don’t react. It is 7am. She never sees 7am on a school morning, never mind on a holiday morning so there is no way I am going to jump to her every whim at the crack of dawn when we are meant to be on a relaxing break. She wants to go horse-riding, but I didn’t manage to arrange it as today was all about taking the boat around the Cliffs of Moher. Apparently there is no better way to see them than from the sea itself, and maybe I am being selfish, but I really want to feel what it’s like to be out there on that ocean, just like Skipper used to be every day.
My phone rings, disturbing my third minute of contemplation. Oh no, it’s Dan. I can’t answer. I tried to talk to him last night but there was no reply and now that he is calling me back I am afraid to hear his voice in case it sets me back. But I can’t not answer. Shit.
‘Hello?’
‘At last, Juliette! God, it’s good to hear your voice at long last. I left my phone in the car last night like a bloody idiot. Are you okay?’
Jesus.
‘Hello Dan, yes, I’m okay. How are you?’
I don’t need to ask how he is. It’s 7am on a Monday morning so I know exactly how he is going to be. Hungover or still slightly drunk.
‘Is it true?’
Is what true, I long to ask? Where on earth do I start with what is true these days? About my illness? About where I have run away to and not told him? What?
‘What have you heard?’ I ask him, hoping it isn’t about my health. There is no way I am going to tell him my days are finally numbered first thing in the morning and certainly not on the phone.
I swallow. I can feel his pain from here. I can see him rock and squint as my admission to the extent of my illness hits him hard in the heart.
‘Helen told me,’ he says. ‘I spoke with her yesterday and she told me the truth. What about Rosie? How is she? Did you tell her? I should be there with you when you do. Jesus, Juliette!’
I shake my head. Oh Lord, what am Idoinghere? Barry Island would never have raised such questions or caused such heartache for any of us. I feel so far away from him and I know he is right. I shouldn’t have run away without telling him the full story.
