Page 39 of A Part of Me and You
I’m still easing myself in to my work and it has been a life saver really to be able to focus on delivering the very best in vintage bargains for my ever-growing fan base of customers.
I work a maximum of three hours a day in the shop itself, afternoons mainly. I couldn’t dream of getting out of bed and organised any earlier than that now that I don’t have my baby girl’s sweet voice to cry out to me first thing, insisting that she wants her breakfast and that her favourite teddy, La, wants hers too. I have no idea where La ever came from but she was a humble little thing, just a pink ball of fluff with two ears and a cute nose that my daughter took everywhere with her every day for the short three years of her life. La of course is packed away in a zipped-up case, under Lily’s bed and I don’t think I will ever be able to look at her, or touch her or smell her again.
‘Shelley! Oh my goodness I thought that was you! How good to see you!’
Oh no. I close my eyes. Oh please, no. Merlin stirs from beside me and I get him to sit at ease.
I inhale sharply and my vision blurs when I turn to meet the voice of one of my best friends, Sarah – the one who left me the flowers yesterday and the one who I so carefully avoid every day of the year in case I take a step backwards when I see her with her children. Her six-year-old daughter stands beside her and she is pushing a toddler boy, her son Toby in a stroller. I think I am going to be sick.
‘Th-thank you for the flowers yesterday,’ I say, but it doesn’t even sound like my own voice when it finally comes out. ‘How is – how are – I’m sorry I was just in a dream world there staring in at the shop window. How are you?’
Sarah tilts her head to the side and nods, placing her hand on my shoulder.
‘I heard Matt’s away,’ she says to me, with genuine concern. ‘Look, I know you’re taking things at your own pace and you’re quite right to do that, but is there anything I can do? Anything at all?’
I glance down at her daughter Teigan who was Lily’s best friend since the day she was born. Teigan has no idea who I am of course, it has been so long since I dared set eyes on her and I don’t think I am ready to do so yet. She is licking an ice cream that is almost bigger than her face and her little brother is covered in white also, both of them so far removed from life and all its cruelties which is exactly how they should be of course.
‘There’s nothing really,’ I tell Sarah, but I can’t meet her eye. ‘I’m just heading home now to feed Merlin here and have an early night. I’m okay, I swear to you.’
‘Oh, Shelley, are you sure?’
I nod unconvincingly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and still not looking her way.
‘I’m actually a tiny bit better than I was yesterday,’ I say to the pavement, ‘and the day before and the day before that. One day at a time as my dad keeps reminding me. I’ll get there, Sarah, but thank you.’
I glance at Sarah who looks like her own heart is breaking for me. I want to tell her about Juliette and Rosie and their connection to Skipper but I don’t think it’s my place to say all of that. I am nearly sure that Sarah, a native of Killara and one of Matt’s oldest friends long before we became close, once was a girlfriend of the enigma that is Skipper. I say enigma simply because his name seems to crop up so often and everyone who mentions him seems to have a story to tell about him though he died so young, but none more than my new friend Juliette who has a living piece of him all to herself.
‘Call me when you’re ready,’ says Sarah when her children start to get fed up and the conversation, as usual with me these days, is going nowhere. ‘No pressure, that’s what I always say to you, but you know where I am. We could go out on the boat like we used to, just you, Matt, Tom and I?’
We really did used to have such fun sailing around the Atlantic coast when we hadn’t a care in the world. Tom, Sarah’s husband, was another of Matt’s sailor friends and they always wound Matt up that he was the only person in Killara to never have found his sea legs. Matt is the first to admit that he prefers dry land to the wilds of the ocean, unlike most of the locals around here.
‘Thanks, Sarah, maybe we will one day again,’ I say to her, reaching into my purse. ‘Here, Teigan, buy your little brother a treat someday soon but not right now as I can see you’re busy with that ice cream. Get yourself something really nice for your—’
I hand the little girl a ten Euro note and I get that choking feeling in my throat that tells me I’m about to forget how to breathe very soon.
‘Get something for—’
Her birthday, I want to say. She was born only days after my Lily so I know it has to be soon but I can’t say it. I just can’t.
‘Are you okay, Shelley? Honestly, you’ve gone a funny colour. Shelley?’
I can see Sarah, just about, but my vision is blurring even more now as an anxiety attack beckons. The money drops to the ground and I feel Sarah’s hands on my shoulders, propping me up.
‘Shelley,’ says another familiar voice. ‘Are you alright?’
I slide back into consciousness and then out of it again when I hear the unmistakable voice of Juliette calling me, or am I imagining it? Am I longing for it?
‘Juliette?’
‘Shelley, it’s me! You forgot your phone. What happened?’
I focus on Juliette’s friendly, warm face and I manage a smile but I notice how the two women in front of me share worried glances.
‘What happened? Is she okay?’ asks Juliette, and poor Sarah looks bewildered.
‘I’m Sarah, her friend, an old friend, and I just stopped to say hello. I’m not sure what happened. One minute we were chatting, the next thing …’
Juliette waits, as do I. Then Sarah whispers, covering her daughter’s ears
