Page 37 of A Part of Me and You
‘That sounds like a good one,’ says Rosie. ‘Do you still ride horses then?’
‘I used to,’ I tell her. ‘I haven’t done so since …’
‘Since Lily died?’ she says as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to ask about.
‘Yes,’ I reply, but I can’t repeat what she said.Since Lily died.‘Yes, you’re right, Rosie. Not since then.’
‘Would you come horse-riding with me tomorrow?’ Rosie asks me. ‘Look up, please.’
She applies mascara as I look up to the ceiling.
‘Who, me? Horse-riding? Tomorrow?’ I ask her. I get that same flutter inside that I got earlier when Juliette asked me to go to lunch.
‘Yes, you,’ she says. ‘Horse-riding tomorrow. I haven’t done it since I was about six or seven and I’d love to go riding on the beach if there’s such a thing round here.’
‘Well, yes, there’s a beach obviously,’ I tell her, finding it hard to think of tomorrow. ‘And there are pony trekking places obviously, but …’
She waits for my answer but I simply can’t give it. I can’t think that far ahead. I don’t do social activities these days, and I have to work my usual afternoon shift, don’t I? Yes, that’s it. I have to work. There is no way I can do this. Lunch almost tore me in two until Juliette gave me the strength to get through it and though I feel stronger for it, I don’t think that I could master horse-riding on the beach. Could I?
‘So, will you come?’ she asks me again, and I can feel my heart beat a little faster at the thought of committing to something, to making plans outside of my work and my big white empty shell of a house.
‘Do this.’ She makes a shape on her mouth for me to imitate so that she can apply some lipstick and I sit there like a mannequin, doing exactly what I am told.
She holds up a mirror to my face and when I see my reflection, I have to take a moment. My goodness, I swear I am unrecognizable, but only in the best possible way. Her touch was subtle, like she knew exactly what I needed. A natural look, some light gold around my brown eyes and a soft blush on my cheeks that hasn’t been there in, yes, you’ve guessed it, three years.
To my great delight and surprise, I don’t feel guilty though, like I usually do when I think of taking any tiny steps to move on in my life after Lily. I feel something different, something I just cannot put my finger on right now.
‘So do you like it or not?’ asks Rosie ‘Because my hand is getting sore holding up this mirror. You don’t have to say you do if you don’t. My friend Melissa is probably better. She has—’
‘I love it, Rosie,’ I whisper, and then I look up at her and I smile – not just a forced smile that I use for customers when I tell them an outfit is beautiful on them, or for Matt when he asks me if I enjoyed dinner, or for Eliza when she asks if I’m okay, or even for my dad when he tries to make jokes on the phone.
This is a real smile. I know it is because it is touching that feeling that I couldn’t put a name to a moment ago. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel stuck or stagnant or numb. I feel something more real. I feelpresent. I am in the here-and-now and it feels quite overwhelming, but in the best possible way.
‘Thank you, Rosie,’ I say to my teenage makeup artist. ‘Thank you so, so much. You made me look a little more alive and that really means a lot to me.’
Rosie shrugs and packs up her makeup bag like it’s no big deal, but to me, it really is.
‘I suppose I should go check on Mum,’ she says, and my heart jumps when I think of how long we have been chatting. I had totally forgotten about Juliette and her whereabouts. ‘I bet she’s fallen asleep like she always does after a glass of wine with her lunch. I’ll be right back. Don’t leave without saying goodbye though or Mum will be gutted.’
This little girl … this precious little girl who has made me feel pretty on the outside has no idea how she and her beautiful mum have made me feel on the inside today. I could have walked away from that restaurant in a drowning state of tears. I could have wallowed in my pity as I made my way back up to my house, all alone, waiting on Matt to call so I could tell him about how horrible it was having everyone staring at me, blaming me for what happened to our daughter when they had no idea how tired or stressed I was that day or how quickly it all happened. He would have told me, no, begged me, to stop and to try and move on which would have angered me more and I’d have hung up and fallen asleep on top of the bed, just as Juliette is doing now, only with my scars wide open and the world blocked out.
Instead, here I am, feeling a little bit more alive for having a champion by my side today. Juliette, this stranger, and her strong and beautiful daughter have taken me under their wing through an overwhelming act of kindness. She made me walk right back to my seat today instead of running away, she made me face up to my fears and do something as simple as eating a dessert and actually taking the time to taste it.
Maybe Eliza is right with her predictions.
Maybe angels do walk around us after all.
Chapter 13
Juliette
Rosie wakes me with her mutterings about makeup and horse-riding and Shelley this and Shelley that and I realise, much to my embarrassment that I have fallen asleep while our visitor has been sitting out in the living room. Sweet Lord above, I only came in here to change my shoes, and thought I’d have a five-minute rest on top of the bed, but here I am almost an hour later being woken from a deep slumber that I hadn’t planned.
‘Please, don’t wake her up on my account,’ I hear Shelley call from down the hallway. ‘I’m going to slip off now anyhow. I can’t thank you enough for such a wonderful day, Rosie. Tell your mum I will see her again when she’s up to it.’
Rosie throws up her arms and leaves the bedroom to stop Shelley from making a quick exit.
‘You don’t have to go,’ I hear her say as I try to gather my thoughts and wake up from my slumber. ‘You can watch a movie with us and we could have some pizza later? Come on, please stay!’
