Page 35 of A Part of Me and You
He tilts his head and nods. In fact, he actually bows. Ha!
‘I like your style,’ says the waiter and a few moments later, when he returns with our drinks, we are raising our glasses together.
‘To today and the joy of being alive to enjoy it,’ I say to my daughter and my new friend, Shelley. ‘Every day is a disco. Every day is an adventure girls, and don’t you ever forget it.’
We clink our glasses and wipe away tears as we toast.
‘You’re my hero, Mum,’ says Rosie, sipping her very first taste of real bubbly here in front of me. ‘When I grow up I want to be just like you.’
I close my eyes and try to picture my baby girl all grown up, something that I will never get to experience and my throat tightens again. When I open my eyes, Shelley gives me the biggest smile she can manage under the circumstances, and then she squeezes my leg under the table like she knows exactly what I’m thinking.
‘I’ll drink to that,’ she says and my heart fills up with a rush of love as I savour this precious moment. Rosie takes a photo as I raise my glass.
To her, I am a hero. Now, that is one memory I will want to take with me forever.
Shelley
‘I’m so sorry, love. You weren’t banking on this drama queen taking over your holiday, were you?’ I say to Rosie later when we are back at their cottage after lunch. We had dessert just as Juliette promised and it was truly magnificent. I had the finest strawberry cheesecake with my champagne, and even though the stares of the locals dropped off (they got bored when I stopped reacting, just as Juliette predicted) it took me a while to relax again, but I managed to do just that and it was a wonderful afternoon in the end.
For the first time in a long time, I realise, I actually tasted my food today. I savoured the flavours of a seafood linguine, marvelled at the different sensations that a good meal in good company can bring. Maybe it’s the bubbles, maybe it’s that I needed to get that outburst out of my system, but I feel like I have crossed a bridge of some sort. A small bridge, but certainly a step in the right direction. Matt will be thrilled to bits that I managed to find companionship through an act of kindness on my part, and that I was brave enough to go with it and that despite that one hiccup, it has done wonders for me from the inside out.
After lunch, Juliette insisted I come with them to their cottage for a coffee rather than go back to my house alone and I didn’t dare argue. The lightness I feel right now is a very welcome feeling indeed. Juliette is a force alright, but in the best possible way – I feel like someone is really trying to kick my ass in the right direction. Tough love from a stranger. Who’d have guessed?
‘I like it that you’re here with us,’ says Rosie. ‘And not just because of your dog, if that’s what you’re thinking. I think you’re really cool.’
I raise an eyebrow.
‘I don’t believe you for a second. It’s all about the dog,’ I say to her as her face protests. ‘And as for me being cool, ha! Is my face a mess? I should probably go and fix it up when the bathroom is free, shouldn’t I?’
Juliette had raced straight for the bathroom when we reached the cottage door, claiming she was dying to go and asking me to pardon her pun, so I can just imagine how my face must look after my crazy meltdown earlier. I don’t really wear much makeup these days, for no other reason than that I’ve totally lost interest in my appearance, but what I did have on must have worn off by now.
‘Can I please do your make up for you?’ Rosie asks me, her eyes like saucers at the thought. She already has her kit by my side before I have time to answer and I am in awe at the collection she has in front of her. ‘I love doing makeup for Mum sometimes and even though she goes on that I use too much, I think she secretly loves letting me practise.’
‘How many brushes exactly do you have?’ I ask her. ‘I think I might own three at the most but your collection is insane!’
‘Twenty-seven,’ she says, proudly. ‘I study YouTubers all the time for tips and products and for every birthday or occasion my family know exactly what to get me. Makeup and brushes. Or Shawn Mendes stuff but I think I’m up to date with him right now.’
She tilts my head back and puts some cool cleanser on my face with a cotton pad and oh boy, but it feels good – across my forehead, around my temples, onto my cheeks and nose and chin as my eyes drop with relief. I am exhausted, I realise. Mentally exhausted with the all-consuming obsession with all things Lily and what might have been. I am physically exhausted too, rooted in the past in a state of misery and it is draining the very life and soul out of me.
But as usual, no matter how much I try to fight it, my thoughts go back to her.
This could have been my own daughter someday, treating me to a makeover. Telling me about all her products and the things she has learned online. A tear falls from my eye but Rosie doesn’t mention it, if she notices. She just moves on to some moisturiser and something she calls primer and I find myself relaxing more and more under her touch.
‘You could do this for a living,’ I tell her from my dream-like state. ‘You definitely have a magic touch.’
‘Nah,’ she says. ‘There are far too many teenage makeup artist wannabes around for my liking. You only have to look on Instagram for them. I’ll wait until I’m properly qualified, if you don’t mind. I just enjoy it for now. I don’t even know if I want to do this for a living. I think I might want to be a vet or a zoo keeper or maybe a midwife. I might like to deliver babies, yes. I just can’t decide if it’s humans or animal babies I prefer. It’s all too much to think about sometimes.’
I do admire Rosie’s ambition, even if she is a little confused. At fifteen I didn’t know what I wanted for dinner, never mind what I wanted to do when I was older. At least she’s considering her options.
‘Tough job but a very rewarding one,’ I tell her.
‘Which? A zoo keeper or a midwife?’ she asks me and then she bursts out laughing. ‘I’m sorry but I’m just picturing me delivering a baby hippo for some reason. Sorry, I’m a bit of a weirdo. Just ignore me.’
I open my eyes and the joy in her face at her own joke does that thing again to my weary heart. A glow. I close my eyes again so she can continue.
‘Well, exactly. I’d imagine both are rewarding and tough at the same time,’ I tell her. ‘It’s so good to have some idea of where you want to go, and even if life takes you in the completely opposite direction, I do think it’s all meant to be. Could you deliver a baby hippo do you think?’
‘O-M-G! I would so panic and I’d probably call my mum!’ says Rosie and then she stops what she is doing, dead.
