Page 32 of A Part of Me and You
‘We need to get going if we want to order lunch,’ Juliette says to her daughter. ‘Shelley, are you sure you won’t join us?’
I want to, I want to, I so want to but I can’t.
‘I can’t,’ I say, squeezing my fingers. Juliette looks at my hands, then at me and then it looks like the penny has dropped.
‘What are you afraid of?’ she asks me. Rosie has busied herself with the dog again, delighted to have stretched out some extra time with him.
‘It’s just … I’m just afraid.’
‘Of me? Of Rosie? Of being seen out with a stunner like me in public?’
I manage a tiny smile. ‘No, well, I—’
My heart starts to race again.
‘Would you feel better if you did come?’ Juliette asks me. ‘Would it make you feel like you’ve done something positive today?’
I nod. I can’t speak. The thought of actually doing something nice for me, fills me with such—
‘Guilt,’ I spit out. ‘I’d feel guilty if I went out and enjoyed myself.’
Juliette folds her arms.
‘Oh no,’ she says, shaking her head. ‘Guilty if you enjoy yourself? If you have lunch out in your own home village? You can’t live like this forever, Shelley. No way! You can’t keep punishing yourself for whatever it is you feel you may have done wrong.’
Juliette is right, of course. I need to rise above this grief and fear once and for all and put another’s needs in front of mine. I have only just met these wonderful people and I will not allow my anxiety to rule my heart for any longer. I will go. I will force myself, I will be strong for once and I will go.
‘Can you give me five minutes to freshen up?’ I ask Juliette, whose face instantly brightens at my turnaround. I am going to do this. I am going to believe in myself and take this all as a sign to help myself as much as I seem to have helped them.
‘I don’t mean to push you into anything you aren’t comfortable with, but please don’t ever feel guilty for enjoying yourself, Shelley,’ she says to me. ‘Life is way too short for that crap. Maybe you have other plans?’
‘Unless you count reading the Sunday papers online, or having yet another bath, or walking Merlin on the beach which I do every day, I have absolutely no other plans.’
‘Well, then put some lippy on and let’s get out of here. I think I owe you at least a lunch, and believe me, Juliette Fox doesn’t do lunch in halves. We will be having the works, just you wait and see.’
I don’t think I am going to get out of this at all and I actually love that Juliette is pushing me. Normally people just give up when I say ‘no’ more than once but she is making me do this. She is pushing me to do something totally normal and as hard as I know it will be to go out and face the world socially, I know it’s what I want to do deep down.
‘Can you wait for five minutes?’ I ask. ‘Or I can meet you there?’
‘We can wait for you of course,’ she tells me. ‘Now go quickly and don’t you dare change your mind.’
‘I won’t change my mind,’ I say with determination. ‘Rosie, maybe you could fetch Merlin’s lead from the hallway and help me get him ready?’
Rosie is already halfway down the hallway and Juliette flashes me a smile.
‘You have no idea how much this means to me, to see her so full of life and energy, Shelley,’ she says to me.
‘I do have an idea,’ I reply. ‘I feel it too for some reason. She’s a special girl, your Rosie.’
‘Well forgive me for being biased, but I honestly think she is very special indeed,’ says Juliette. ‘I suppose I’m starting to see just how amazing she is as I’m absorbing everything so much more, now that I know it’s all coming to an end.’
‘I can’t imagine.’
‘Everything in me is heightened, Shelley,’ she explains. ‘Every hurt, every fear, every little bit of love that comes my way, I feel it all at its strongest and it can be very frightening, but also very rewarding.’
‘Ready!’ says Rosie, clutching onto Merlin’s lead as he tries to take her for a walk around the kitchen already.
‘I’ll be as quick as I can,’ I tell them both and I go quickly to the bathroom where I dab my pressure points on my neck, wrists and temples with cold water, look at my reflection for ten seconds, and say a quick prayer to Lily to help me make this step today. I know she would want me to get on with my life. I know my mother is cheering me on to forgive myself and laugh a little, to see the brighter side of life again and to believe in love again, not only with Matt but also with friends and strangers alike. I do feel like I am making a big change right now. My mother is close, just as Eliza told me on Lily’s birthday yesterday.
