Page 31 of A Part of Me and You
‘Of course I will,’ I reply. It’s the very least I can offer. ‘And she can talk to Matt and we will help her in any way we can. I don’t know a lot about her father, only what my husband has told me, but Matt will be so delighted to look you both up and tell you what he can. Oh, I wish he was here right now. He would have all the answers you’re looking for.’
And I so know he would. Matt would be over the moon to meet Rosie and Juliette in honour of Skipper and I can’t wait to tell him all of this. And wait till I tell Eliza! She’ll be convinced that she is Mystic Meg after her prediction about the colour blue yesterday. I do feel strangely positive for having met Rosie, and now Juliette. Maybe some encounters in life are fateful after all, though my father would have a fit of hysterics if he heard this.
‘Are Skipper’s family local?’ asks Juliette. ‘Or is there a grave I could visit before I leave here?’
Oh no. I was hoping she wouldn’t ask that question.
‘I’m afraid not,’ I tell her. ‘He wasn’t from here, you see. He was from County Waterford which is over three hours’ travel from here. I guess he must have been a regular visitor here, but no, there is no family here and no grave locally. I’m sorry.’
To my great surprise this final bombshell doesn’t seem to be as devastating to Juliette as I thought it might be. Instead she looks a little happier for hearing it.
‘My grandparents are from Waterford,’ she tells me, and I can totally understand why her spirits seem to have lifted at that. ‘They’re from a town called Dungarvan, do you know it?’
‘Yes, I’ve heard of that place. Never been though,’ I say to her.
‘I have,’ she says with delight. ‘I visited there with Birgit that same summer and I can’t believe that Skipper and I didn’t cover that when I met him in Brannigan’s that night. Well, to be perfectly honest, I don’t recall a lot of what we talked about, but I’m sure I would have mentioned that should he have said where he was from. Drink, eh? Oh, to be so young and naive. I should be ashamed of myself. No wonder I’ve kept it more or less to myself for all these years.’
I shrug my shoulders. ‘We’ve all had fuzzy nights that we’d rather file away in the back of our minds,’ I assure her. ‘But no matter what you talked about to him, don’t you feel better now knowing where he was from and that he was such a fun, talented person?’
Juliette nods. ‘I do. Thank you so much,’ she says. ‘Plus, I can’t believe we‘ve been talking for an hour and I’ve told you my life story and you’ve barely told me one thing about yourself.’
I freeze at the idea of it. No, I can’t go there, not right now when I am doing so well with this distraction. I don’t want to talk about me, I am sick of my life story and all of my misery. Focusing on Juliette and Rosie and Skipper and all its mystery, not to mention the great feeling I get by knowing I may be able to help them, is what I need to hold on to.
‘I have enjoyed it, really I have,’ I tell Juliette. If only she knew how rare this scenario is for me to be chatting over tea, in my kitchen, with a virtual stranger. ‘I am very glad you called and it looks like Rosie has enjoyed herself too. I know Merlin has.’
‘They both certainly have,’ says Juliette. ‘She’s like a different child after meeting you yesterday, Shelley. Look, maybe we could meet up again before we leave Killara, would that be an idea? Let me buy you a tea next time and you get to tell me your deepest darkest secrets now that I’ve spilled mine out to you!’
Juliette laughs like it’s the most natural thing in the world for her to simply return the favour by buying me a coffee, but the very thought of doing something so … well, so normal and sociable and public, well it freaks me out, much to my own frustration.
My anxiety returns like a bolt out of the blue at the thought of meeting her somewhere other than here, but I really dowantto see both of them again. I hate being like this. I hate feeling dizzy and sweaty and tingly all over with pins and needles as soon as someone suggests something like this to me. I need to rise above it. I wish I could.
‘Or better still,’ Juliette continues. ‘Why don’t you join us for Sunday lunch down on the pier in that cute little Beach House Café right now? Rosie must be hungry by now and there’s no point you cooking for one – my treat? I’d love to chat more and we could bring the dog and sit outside now that the sun has decided to show its face.’
I freeze again. My mouth dries up. I don’t know how to explain this to her. I want to go for lunch and I want to chat more down by the pier with Merlin, out in the sunshine and watching the world go by, but I don’t know if I can. The guilt rises. The panic rises. So I do what my bereavement counsellor once told me to do when I feel such an attack coming on. I look for an object, something familiar. My wedding ring … yes, that will do. I touch it. It’s real. I breathe right into my diaphragm. I twist it around my finger. I breathe more.
‘Shelley, are you okay?’ Juliette asks me and I just manage a nod in reply. I look down on this feeling in my mind. It will not overpower me. I am in charge. I am in control. I want to go so I will go.
‘I’m really sorry, but I can’t, not today, but thank you,’ I say to Juliette. Shit!
‘Oh,’ is her reply. ‘Okay then, I totally understand that it’s short notice for you. Some other time then, eh?’
I nod again and manage to stammer. ‘Yes, yes, of course. Some other time.’
Some other time? Hardly sensitive of me to agree to that. Not like she has all the time in the world though, is it? But the fear … why on earth do I have to be like this?
Rosie comes in with Merlin again and it’s a welcome distraction.
‘He really is the smartest dog I have ever met. Watch this, Mum.’
Rosie kneels down on the floor and Merlin lifts his two front paws up and places them on her shoulders which distracts me and I feel my pulse slowing down.Ididn’t even know he could do that.
‘Good boy, Merlin!’ I say to my dog, feeling calmer already at his familiarity. ‘You must be something special, Rosie, because I’ve never ever known him to do that to anyone.’
Juliette beams at this, as does Rosie.
‘And he can give me his paw and he lies down when I tell him,’ Rosie tells us. ‘Oh, he is just the best, aren’t you Merlin? You’re the best dog in the whole world!’
My breathing slowly returns to normal and my heartrate slows to a regular beat as I watch this little girl work her magic on Merlin, who isn’t really used to anyone but me or Matt these days. Why does she soothe me so much? Does she remind me of what my future could have been like with Lily? Why do I feel this sense of ease and contentment when I see her? A stranger’s child, a young girl who I don’t know, yet who I long to hold tight, to look after in this big bad world when her darling mother has to leave her all on her own. She is like me, that’s why. She is about to go through exactly what I went through and I long to take that all away and give her the security she deserves … but of course, I will never be able to do such a thing.
