Page 28 of A Part of Me and You
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to burden you with all this on a Sunday morning,’ I tell her, remembering that we have totally interrupted her morning with my doom and gloom. ‘I’m sure you are used to much more jolly visitors than us! We really should be making tracks and leaving you to get on with your day.’
I go to stand up.
‘No, it’s okay, honestly,’ Shelley tells me. That pain again on her face. That deep, deep pain. Desperation, almost.
‘We should go. I’m sorry.’
‘No. Look,’ she says. ‘Yesterday was a tough day for me and I wasn’t expecting to have that kind of conversation with anyone, so I hoped that I had helped Rosie just a little, and to see that I have means a lot to me. You have no idea what it means to me, actually. It’s really nice of you to pop by. I’m glad you did and you really don’t have to go yet, not on my account anyway.’
She looks at my seat and I sit down again.
‘I’m glad we called too,’ I say to Shelley. ‘You’ve been through it all yourself so I guess you really do understand.’
I want to ask her what it is that she is going through now though, not out of nosiness, but out of concern. This young woman is in turmoil and full of angst and I have no doubt that she has not had a visitor in this beautiful cold house in a long, long time. I try to lighten the mood.
‘On a more positive note,’ I say, straightening up in my seat, ‘we are going to have a lovely time here in Killara. The best time, ever. I’ve always meant to come back here and never did, so when my doctor suggested some quality time out from city life, I knew I’d have to do exactly what I was told and come here again to see what I’ve been missing.’
Shelley takes a sip from her tea, holding the cup with both hands.
‘There’s something about this place, isn’t there?’ she says to me, her eyes filled with wonder. ‘A lot of people don’t ever leave when they come here. It gets under their skin so much – the food, the sea, the art, the music, the friendly locals, not to mention the pubs. There is always something happening to cater for all tastes. I love it here, I really do. I can’t see Matt and I ever living anywhere else but here. I wanted to move away from this house, but when it came to it, how could I? How could I leave something that we put so much of ourselves into?’
And I can see exactly what she means. Shelley is like a young woman who has it all with her big house and her own business, yet her eyes are vacant and I really do get the impression that she is only living life in first gear right now. I’m obviously wrong in my divorce assumptions. Oh, what I’d give to be in her shoes with her whole life ahead of her. She speaks fondly of her husband, she has the most magnificent home and works in that gorgeous, quirky shop, so what on earth more does she want in life? What is she missing at such a young age?
‘Look, I know you haven’t lived around here forever,’ I say to her, not knowing where I am finding the courage to actually ask this question or how it has entered my head out of the blue. ‘But can I ask you something?’
My bold streak that has run through my veins since I was just a young girl has sprung to the surface and I can’t help myself from asking her my burning question.
‘Of course,’ she replies. ‘Go ahead.’
I want to stop myself but I can’t.
‘I wanted to ask you …’ I begin, then pause. ‘Look, I’m going to just cut to the chase. Do you know of a man who might live around here, well, he might not live around here at all but – oh actually, just forget it. I sometimes think I’m losing my mind going down this road at all and—’
‘Tell me,’ says Shelley, shifting on her seat. ‘Are you looking for someone?’
I pause.
‘Not actively, no,’ I manage. ‘I’m just being curious and opportunistic of your local knowledge since you’ve lived here a while, but ignore me. I could be asking for trouble.’
But Shelley isn’t letting me away at that.
‘If I don’t know of him I can guarantee that my husband will as he has lived here most of his life,’ she says to me. ‘Is it someone you have a history with? An old flame? Oh, is it an ex-lover?’
She looks excited, but I can feel my face flush slightly and I shrug, trying to play it down though I can’t help but smile at the thought of those hazy drunken days here all those years ago.
‘Oh please, go on!’ she says, and her face is suddenly, dare I say, animated, like she has forgotten for just a moment what it is that is constantly on her mind and preventing her from smiling these days.
‘I can’t believe I’m asking you this,’ I say, putting my hands to my cheeks like an embarrassed teenager and my voice drops to a whisper. ‘You see … I’m looking for someone I haven’t seen since we met here all those summers ago, way back in 2003. I don’t know if he lived here or if he was just passing through like I was back then, and I don’t have a proper name for him but I would so love to get some closure. I’d just like to know where he is, or even better, let him know about Rosie if the vibe from him was right. You see … Rosie is his. I must be losing my mind to be telling you this. It’s a secret I’ve kept from almost everyone since the day she was born.’
Now, Shelley isreallyinterested.
‘About Rosie?’ she says in a whisper. ‘Oh my goodness, Juliette, that’s a lot more serious than I thought. Tell me what you know of him and I’ll ask Matt or Eliza if I can’t help you myself. That’s if you definitely want to find him. It’s a big decision under the circumstances, isn’t it?’
She waits in anticipation for his name and my urge to say it lingers in the air. She has stopped twiddling her hair and doesn’t seem so robotic now that I have given her this information. It is pretty serious when you think about it, that somewhere nearby might be a man who has the same flesh and blood and genes as my daughter and whom I have never yet told of her existence – but here I am, fifteen years after her conception, when lo and behold, I am just about to die. It’s serious alright. It’s crazy perhaps. Me and my big mouth.
‘Actually, just forget I ever mentioned it,’ I say, sliding off my stool and lifting my purse. ‘I shouldn’t have told you that, Shelley. I’m really sorry. Rosie and I should be on our way – gosh, is that the time? I really wanted to get a long walk in and then take her for lunch. At least the sun is out today and I don’t have to worry about clothes. Yesterday was a strange one. Thanks for the—’
‘Please don’t go.’
