Page 24 of The Physician's Barbarian
AMBROSE
Was I hoping to hide my reaction to Godr by getting into icy water? Yes, yes, I was. Despite knowing I wasn’t required to do anything with him and telling myself I wasn’t interested, I still reacted to his presence whenever he was around me. I couldn’t seem to control my mouth around him, making stupid flirtatious comments and blushing when he locked eyes with me with a hopeful expression I barely resisted. I knew what he hoped for. He still didn’t know I wasn’t interested in men, and now that I knew how things worked here, any actions on my part were fully informed and consensual. I just… couldn’t let myself go there. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how good it had felt after a lifetime of thinking I only liked women. It was better to pretend it had never happened.
We all headed to the river as a group. That took some getting used to, bathing in groups. No one batted an eye, no matter the gender, and some even splashed each other and wrestled like it was nothing. Modesty wasn’t a thing with the barbarians, apparently.
A few broke off, waiting for a large pot of hot water to be brought for them to use to get clean. Men like Simon and Finn, who didn’t have much body fat or muscle, needed the water warmed to avoid hypothermia. I thought about joining them a few times since the icy water wasn’t my favorite, but then Godr started taking his clothes off, and I needed the cold to hide my reaction to him.
He was just so… beautiful. All smooth lines and trim muscles, decorated with tattoos like the rest of the barbarians in the clan. His hair was down for once, not in weird braids or buns. His silly hairstyles were usually to make people laugh, nothing like how the rest of the clan wore their hair in neat braids or ponytails, but when his hair was down like this, he took my breath away.
I was grateful he didn’t notice me staring, and when I finally ripped my gaze away from his rounded ass, I stripped hastily and stepped into the icy water, swallowing my whimper as I got deeper. The barbarians acted like they didn’t feel the cold. Meanwhile, I was worried about frostbite in certain private places.
“Ambrose?”
I jumped when Godr’s voice was closer than I expected. I turned, almost bumping into him as he stood directly behind me. He looked worried, his hand outstretched like he wanted to reach for me.
“Do you want warm water?” he asked, gesturing toward the pot the other men were gathering around.
Shaking my head, I tried not to let my teeth chatter as I assured him, “I’m okay.”
He was standing close enough that I could feel the heat coming off of him. I wanted to wrap myself around him and steal his warmth, and that only freaked me out more. Being this close to him while he was wet and naked was dangerous.
I finished cleaning myself and got out as quickly as I could, flinching against the breeze that swept over my skin as I got out. I definitely wasn’t feeling anything close to desire now. I was too damn cold.
Godr brought me to the village center to warm up in front of the massive fire while fetching us some dinner. My eyes moved over the crowded area, watching the people interact with each other. They were nothing like I’d expected. Warm and inviting, not a hint of abuse in sight. Finn had told me that the consequences for hurting a tribute were so severe, people had been banished for causing them insult. When Godr tried to manipulate Finn into playing a prank on Rath and made him cry not long after Finn had arrived, Godr had to clean out the trenches for a month. They didn’t joke around with the well-being of tributes here. They really did put them on a pedestal for what they brought to the clan. It didn’t matter the gender. Either by having babies or providing companionship, a tribute was a gift to the clan, and they treated them as such.
It made me think about the town I was raised in. I’d seen too many women from abusive relationships in my clinic, and it’d become so normal to me that I didn’t even blink at it anymore. I just treated their injuries and sent them on their way. When had I become so indifferent to how women were treated? If Alora had witnessed what I’d seen, she would have been up in arms about it. I would have had a lot of fights on my hands to protect her from calling out a husband for something the town considered normal practice. Sebastian would be raised around people who believed that, and maybe would think the same way when he was a man.
I still wished I could bring him out here instead. If I was staying in this clan, it wouldn’t be a bad place to raise him. They were good people who treated everyone with kindness and understanding. Kids were raised by the entire clan and taught to love and support one another, not fight for power like they did in town. And Sebastian would love the freedom the kids had here. He hated being cooped up at home with only his tutor and me as company.
Godr sat beside me, handing me a bowl of food with a smile. “Still cold?”
“Uh, no,” I said, forcing my mind away from my son. I couldn’t ask anyone from this clan to go see him. I didn’t belong here. And I wasn’t holding my breath that the next clan would be as kind. If they were all as nice as this clan was, even the worst rumors wouldn’t be able to stand up against that much kindness.
Seventeen
AMBROSE
Iwas back to watching Godr in the field a few days later when I had an unexpected visitor.
“Ambrose?”
Finn’s shy voice drew my attention, and I pushed off of where I’d been leaning against the fence to look at him. We’d just seen each other that morning for the group lessons we always had after breakfast. I hadn’t expected to see him again until after lunch. He was a sweet man, still shy even though we’d spent the better part of the last two weeks together. I felt oddly protective over him. Someone that sweet needed to be protected. Thankfully, the man he’d bonded with was more than up to the job. He was downright terrifying most days.
“Hey. What’s up?”
He twisted his fingers, looking a little nervous as he said, “Me and the other male tributes have sort of formed a little group. We sit and talk to each other, share our experiences, that kind of thing. I was wondering if you’d like to eat with us tonight.”
I wanted to refuse. Thus far, no one had figured out I wasn’t actually interested in men. A male tribute’s job was to provide companionship for a barbarian who wasn’t interested in women. I’d limited my time with the other tributes in the hope of avoiding the conversation, and only spoke in the barbarian language since they couldn’t ask me anything complicated when we were practicing. Up until now, I’d only ever eaten meals with Godr in his tent. I saw the clan in short bursts, not sitting down for a full conversation. I was worried what would happen if someone found out how I truly felt.
The thing with Godr was… a misunderstanding. It didn’t change my opinion on relationships.
After weeks of thinking the same thing, I was almost tired of the lie in that statement. I’d been embarrassingly aware of the man sleeping next to me at night, and I looked forward to the cold river baths to cool my heated skin when I woke up hard each morning. It didn’t help that Godr had no shame and washed next to me like he hadn’t been intimate with me before. Like I hadn’t felt his mouth on mine, heard what he sounded like when he came.
Maybe a distraction would be a good thing. Aside from when I was learning with Finn or taking a few moments here and there to help Zoya, Godr and I were basically attached at the hip. As he was my protector, I was expected to stick close, even if he didn’t hover like other protectors did. He was a playful tease, ensuring I took breaks and relaxed when he noticed I was rubbing my temples from working too hard. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the way my stomach flipped when he touched me, or the urge I had to lean in when he got close. A little break might help me get my head on straight.
“Sure. Where?”
“We’ve mostly been gathering around the fighter’s fire,” he said with a shrug. “It’s smaller and gives us some privacy. Godr knows where.”
