Page 38 of Safe
"What's the matter? Do you not like it?" For a moment, I reverted back to the old Danielle, the one with no confidence, always waiting for the inevitable insult or attack. My self-esteem was still a fragile thing, taking its time rebuilding itself. Thisdress pushed me well beyond my usual comfort zone, and Cody's stunned expression made me second-guess my choice.
“You look fucking stunning.”
“Soooo, I should get this one?” Whether he wanted to or not, he was going to give me some kind of hint as to which dress I should choose, even if he didn’t realize it.
“You shoulddefinitelyget that one.”
My eyes lit up, and I couldn’t help but smile as soon as my back was to him. My heart loved the way he looked at me, but my mind kept screaming at me to stay away from him. We paid for the dress and we left to go back home.
“Can we stop at this store? I just want to get some new makeup.”
“Of course, even though you don’t need makeup.”
“You can stop trying to impress me with your charm, you know,” I spouted off as I let out a slow, exaggerated eye roll.
“No, not because you’re gorgeous without it, I meant because you have like two suitcases of makeup at the house.” Cody shot back, laughing.
I grabbed $20 out of Cody’s wallet and went into the store while Cody waited in the car.
18. CODY
For the life of me, I could never understand why women found such joy in trying on dress after dress, spending what felt like hours in the store. Honestly, Danielle could have come out in sweatpants, and I would have said she looked good in them. Anything to get out of holding her purse for one second longer. Instead, I folded my hands in my lap and settled back. I got the feeling that this meant more to her than just dinner to celebrate. But what? And why? Was it just because she was trying to work on herself? Which, I might add, she was doing spectacularly at. She was a completely different person with a whole lot more confidence than the Danielle I met in the hospital. Or was it something else?
The real question was, was it something else for me? As I wandered through the jewelry department with no particular mission, biding my time, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was subconsciously accusing her of seeing this as something special because maybe I was beginning to see it as something special. Despite my attempts to brush it all off and keep her at a distance, I had spent the past few weeks fixated on that kiss. Almost obsessing over it. Not so much the kiss itself, but the way I felt the second I kissed her—like an electric shock jolted something awake inside me. It was like the part of my heart that closed off when Riley died was stirring in my chest again. I couldn’t ignore the fact that, try as I might have in the past, no one else had ever done that before.
I knew that I would have to accept what really happened to Riley, and in turn, accept that I needed to move on, but it was something I never felt the need to do until now. Seeing Danielleovercome everything that’s been thrown at her, and seeing her heal and become this incredible woman, was forcing me to battle my own shortcomings in that way. She was doing something that I hadn’t been able to do, and what scared me even more was the fact that she wasmakingme want to do it, even if she didn’t know it.
As I was pacing around, something caught my eye in the jewelry section—a gorgeous ring with a pear-cut diamond surrounded by smaller, black diamonds. It stood out among all the ordinary pieces, much like Danielle did, and reminded me of a penguin. I contemplated buying it, but then stopped short, wondering what kind of message it would send. Certainly, that would push our relationship to a different level, and I was left in the dark as to her willingness or ability to go there. But even more so, what the hell did the idea say to me? Why was I standing there contemplating buying her jewelry? And was itjusta ring, or a symbol of something more?
“Excuse me, ma’am,” I motioned to the woman on the other side of the counter, “how much is this one?”
“Two thousand, sir.”
Fuck. I would set my eye on the most expensive piece in the store.
I wandered away from the counter and found myself back at the dressing room just as she had made her selections and headed in to begin trying dresses on. At this rate, we were going to be late for dinner. Not that I cared; she looked happy, so I was content. I sat there and watched her come out in everything from a simple sundress to a full-length beaded dress. I realized now the mistake I had made in not telling her where we were going; she was never going to be able to pick something. I had no choice but to steer her toward the right dress with my suggestions.
No sooner had I decided that did she walk out wearing the most stunning thing I had ever seen. Michelangelo himself couldn’t have painted her more perfect than she was in that red dress. If my eyes were conveying half of what I was thinking, I was in big trouble. The work I’d put into suppressing my feelings, suppressing that kiss, all just got shot to shit. I wanted her. Now. Bad. If I thought she’d let me, I would have shoved her right back in that dressing room right then and there.
But I couldn’t make this about me and what I wanted. And I was not about to unravel weeks of her seeing her worth just for some sex. She was worth more than that to me—so much more. Probably more than I had let myself believe all this time.
I don’t know how long I was just staring at her, or what kind of thoughts my eyes were conveying, but something I said must have made her feel self-conscious, because her voice broke up the disgusting thoughts I was having.
"What's the matter? Do you not like it?"
“You look absolutely stunning.” And I meant it.
Danielle insisted on stopping at a second store, so I sat in the car while she perused the aisles for whatever makeup she didn’t already own. I couldn’t stop thinking about her in that damn dress, and I was growing impatient waiting to see her in it again.
It was getting hard to navigate the feelings that I could no longer control. The line between lust and love is so fragile and thin that one look, one smile, one word, would make me cross the point of no return. The question I really needed to ask myself was if I was ready to cross the threshold, open my heart up to someone again, and admit love, whether she was waiting for me on the other side or not.
Back at the house, Danielle finished getting ready while I sat in the living room in silence, debating what was real about my feelings and what wasn’t. Admitting to myself that thefeelings had grown beyond friendship, beyond any kind of sexual desire, felt like a betrayal—a ridiculous one at that. It would seem even more ridiculous if I could tell her more about my past, but I wasn’t ready for her to see me in that light yet.
At the same time, admitting to myself that I loved her also meant so many possibilities. It meant a chance at happiness again, a chance to give all I had to give, and be loved again. But it also meant another chance of rejection, lies, betrayal, not to mention the possibility of losing my best friend, or worse, murder.
Still, in my gut, I knew Danielle meant so much more to me than I had anticipated, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Only time would tell if I meant the same to her, and until then, I’d keep loving her in secret, doing the little things; the things she needed.
When she finally came out ready to go, she had managed to do the impossible. Somehow, she looked even better than she did in the store. The sight of her punched the air right out of my lungs, and I couldn’t think of anything sensible to say. When she lifted her eyes and asked, almost too quiet to hear, how she looked, my answer caught her off guard. But the simple fact was, that one look at her, and the way she stood there, uncertain, every single doubt I’d been clinging to just slipped away.
