Page 102 of Fair Play
“I have,” I say finally, because it’s true.
“And do you love her?”
That’s the million-dollar question.
Because I think I do but is thinking it the same as actually feeling it?
“If you don’t, then you’re doing the right thing by walking away.”
“But if I do?”
“Then you’d better figure out how to make this up to her—and how to get things right with Bodi—before you lose her for good.”
“I don’t know that there’s anything I can do to make Bodi accept me as the man in Billie’s life.”
“It might be time for Bodi to grow up,” he says thoughtfully. “Because even if it’s not you, therewillbe a man in Billie’s life at some point. Today, tomorrow, in five years. He has to get his head out of his ass. Maybe we should talk to Blake—the two of them go way back—see if we can get any insight.”
“We?”
He smiles. “It’s exhausting being the second-oldest guy on the team. It’s like being a big brother to the whole locker room. Gabe and I need some help reining them in. So I don’t want to lose you.”
“I told Ms. Barrowman if one of us had to go, it should be me. Chances are, I won’t be here next season.”
“Dude, you know damn well that’s not how it works. Bodi’s talented but lazy and distracted by all his extracurricularactivities. I’d be willing to bet they keep you and trade him. At the very least, he won’t be protected during the expansion draft.”
There will be a new team coming into the league next season, the Atlanta Thunder, and once the season is over, they’ll be able to take one player from each existing team during the draft. Current teams can only protect a limited number of players, so guys like Bodi and me will be up for grabs. And no one is taking a thirty-five-year-old prone to injury.
“I just don’t want them to send him back down to the minors.”
“That’s not on you. Nothing that’s happening is your fault. You and Billie started dating, which shouldn’t be a big deal. Bodi’s the one who made it into a thing.”
“I know.”
“What do youwantto do?”
“I don’t fucking know.”
“You’re going to need to figure it out because you can’t fix any of this if you don’t.”
It’s just not that easy.
My feelings for her and being together—that part is easy. It’s everything else that gets complicated.
Whether or not I want to stay in L.A.
Not knowing what the future holds for me professionally.
My finances, or lack thereof.
Except Billie doesn’t care about money. I know that with everything I am.
She’s tied to L.A. short-term, especially if she decides to finish grad school, but it wouldn’t necessarily be forever. She has a lot of irons in the fire, all of them promising, and it feels like she’s put a lot more thought into our future than I have.
Please don’t give up on me,I think as we pull up to the arena.
I just need a little time to get through hockey season, figure out what’s next both for me and for us, if there’s going to be an us.
Because I do love her.
