Page 24 of Blazing Hot Nights
“I hope so. You don’t deserve to suffer all the time the way you do.”
“Funny, that’s what Blaze said too. You and I both know the truth, though.” I took another drink of the beer and remained quiet while the crickets sang.
“The truth that Blaze and I know is something completely different than your truth, if you ask me. Would he be massaging your shoulder and trying to lessen your pain if he believed your truth?”
I shook my head slowly and stared out over the horizon. It was always beautiful and peaceful out here this time of day. I secretly hated that she was here, ruining my peace and quiet.
“I’ll answer the question for you then. Blaze wouldn’t be touching you, much less trying to make you feel better. The fact that he is trying to help your shoulder says a lot.”
“He kissed me last Friday night,” I blurted out. “Oh God,” I moaned, holding the bottle to my lips. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, willing the tears back from my eyes.
Dawn’s warm hand gently gripped my shoulder, and she squeezed. “It’s okay, honey. Don’t cry,” she whispered, wiping a tear off my face. The bottle shook in my hand, and she took that too. She leaned over and gave me a hug, her firm, warm arms comforting me over something I shouldn’t even be crying about.
“Why are you crying, Heaven?” she asked, rubbing my back for a moment before she released me.
I shrugged and grabbed the bottle of beer, finishing it off. “I just feel so guilty,” I finally whispered.
“Because he kissed you or because you liked it?”
I nodded. “Both.”
“Did he like it?”
I was certain the redness creeping up my face was a dead giveaway, but I answered her anyway. “Uh, I might be inexperienced, but it definitely sounded like it when Blaze was moaning. I would say the way hisWranglerstightened in the front was a surefire sign of his enjoyment.”
“Doesn’t surprise me in the least. That boy has it bad for you.”
I shook my head continuously, my lips trying to deny her words, but nothing would come out. “Can’t happen,” I finally squeaked.
The sound of frustration puffed out from between Dawn’s lips. “It can’t happen because he’s older than you? He’s your neighbor? You don’t like him? He’s not from around here? He’s a widower?”
I pointed at her on the last one and grimaced. “Out of respect for Callie.” The name came out as reverently as it always did when I spoke of her.
“From what I’ve heard from you and Beau, Callie was the sweetest person in the county. I doubt she’d want you to beat yourself up about what happened to her that day the way you have for half a decade. I’m also pretty sure she wouldn’t want Blaze to be alone for the rest of his life.”
I leaned forward, my eyes closed, and my forehead in the palm of my hand. I shivered, the images of that day playing over again in my mind. The feel of the sun on my shoulders as I rode atop Grover. The smell in the air. Callie’s laughter floating on the breeze. Hooves pounding. Grunting. Huffing of air through giant nostrils. A shriek of surprise. Silence. Screaming. Blackness.
“Take a deep breath, Heav,” Dawn ordered with her hand on my back. “Come back to where we are right now. Don’t go back there.”
I coughed, and another tear ran down my face. It was three more minutes before I could sit up and take a full lungful of air. It was a seventy-degree night, and still, the shivers raced through me.
Dawn was watching me closely when I opened my eyes and faced her again. “Sometimes, I can’t pull myself back until it’s over,” I whispered.
She knelt and put her hands on my knees. “I know, and that’s what worries me. You’ve been through hell, and you refuse to deal with any of it: Callie, Blaze, your arm, your daddy, and this ranch. I know you don’t like confrontation, but I think it’s time you confront some of this. Not for Callie, Blaze, or your daddy, but for you.”
I ran my hand over my face and nodded. “You’re probably right. I’ve lived the last five years on fast-forward because I was afraid of what would happen if I pushed the play button. If I slowed down and had time to think about everything that’s happened, I might never stop crying.”
“That’s because your mind can’t stop worrying about everything. The only way to worry less is to accept, forgive, and move on from some of the things that hold you hostage.”
“You know I will never be able to forget that day, Dawn. I wake up with the taste of dirt in my mouth every morning. I go to sleep haunted by the look in her eyes at the end. You don’t know how much I wish that weren’t true, but it is.” I sighed and massaged my elbow with my hand, the long day settling into the bones now that I had stopped moving.
Dawn nodded and bit her lip, her gaze holding mine. “I wasn’t there and I don’t know. But I do know if you stop beating yourself up about it a little bit at a time, it might start to fade. I understand that someone else’s reaction to trauma doesn’t always make sense to those of us who didn’t experience it. While you refuse to believe it, I also understand that PTSD is real, and you live with it every day. I really wish you’d see a doctor about it before it’s too late. You are so incredibly strong, Heaven, but you have to stop taking the brunt of the events that day onto your shoulders. I know you’re the kind of person who will never forgive herself for whatever you think you did or didn’t do in the situation, even if there was nothing you could have done, but you are spiraling into a place that I worry will steal you from us forever. I also know that you are twenty-five years old and have already suffered more in your lifetime than Blaze McAwley has. For some reason, you continue to act like you should be in jail for a crime you didn’t commit.”
“The PTSD is just another punishment I live with, Dawn,” I whispered. “The same way Blaze is being punished by living without his wife.”
“No,” she said, her head shaking. “Post-traumatic stress disorder is not a punishment. It’s a living hell, but you refuse to seek any help for it. That makes it a punishment of your own doing! Don’t you see? You have to deal with what happened before it steals you from us!”
“Dawn,” I said, but she stood and shook her head.
