Page 48 of Blazing Hot Nights
“I’m so tired,” I whispered, resting my head on his chest. “Tired of being knocked down. Tired of getting up only to fall again. Tired of fighting with you. Tired of the guilt, the tears, the pain, and the pretending. I’m only twenty-five, and my shoulders are already so tired.”
The man I had loved for my entire adult life stroked my hair and whispered that he understood. Part of me believed that he did, but the rest of me knew there was no way he could ever know what it was like to be Heaven Lane. My eyes closed against the pain in my chest. Our future didn’t go any farther than tonight in this darkened room. This room was the only place we could pretend the outside world didn’t exist. The truth was, no matter how hot his kisses were, or the excuses he had for pushing me away, the outside world does exist.
In the light of day, we would never be together, and that was the one thing I could see with blinding clarity, even in the middle of the night.
***
Why was I cold? I opened my eyes and blinked them to clear the sleep away. I was on top of the covers on the bed in the small cottage. I remembered falling asleep with Heaven in my arms, but now she was gone. I rubbed my hand down my face and tried to clear the sleep from my eyes. The clock read one a.m., which meant we’d been sleeping for only a few hours. By the time I relaxed her enough to fall asleep, it was already after eleven, and there was no way either one of us was going to drive through the night back to Wisconsin.
I sat up. Where was she? My heart started to pound in my chest when I didn’t see her anywhere in the cottage.
“Heaven?” I called, standing up and grabbing my boots. I checked the table, and my keys were still there. A quick check of the corner revealed her bag was still in the same place. She hadn’t gone far. I let out the breath I’d been holding and leaned against the table with both palms. I couldn’t have screwed things up more than I did last night.
What in the hell had I been thinking when I told her I loved her? The only positive I could see was that she didn’t seem to register it. She didn’t grasp that what I meant was I still loved her. As long as she didn’t put two and two together, I’d be able to get back to the ranch and forget this trip ever happened.
The door opened slowly, and Heaven slipped inside, closing the door behind her. She startled when she saw me leaning on the table. I held my hand out to her. “It’s okay. Sorry to scare you. When I woke up and you were gone, I was worried.”
She motioned outside the door. “I thought I better text Dawn and let her know we weren’t going to be home in the morning as early as planned. I told her to do her morning chores and head off for the weekend. Once they feed the animals, there isn’t much to do there right now anyway.”
I ran my hand down my face again and nodded. “I’ll let Beau know to do the same thing, though knowing him, he’ll wait around until we’re back just to be sure nothing happens. I need to give him a raise.”
“I feel the same way about Dawn and Tex. If you buy the pasture, I can afford to.” She paused as though she wished she hadn’t said that. “Anyway, we should grab a few more hours of sleep and then head out.”
“I can drive while you sleep in the truck, if you want. We can still be home by ten if we leave now.”
Heaven shook her head, and her eyes hit the floor. “I need a little bit longer before I can handle the truck again.”
“Your arm?”
When she didn’t answer me, I followed her to the bed and pulled a blanket over her, resting behind her so I could massage her shoulder while she slept.
“What are you doing?” she asked softly.
“Helping the only way I know how,” I answered. “I had an interesting conversation with one of the elders today.”
“About what?” she asked, her voice sleepy and relaxed.
“You. The elder was showing me the totem animals and explaining each animal’s spirit. He pointed to the bison and told me that it was yours.”
She snorted, and the sound was sarcastic and ugly. “He’s not clairvoyant then. You’re the one who raises those fantastical beasts.”
“That’s true, but his explanation made a lot of sense. He said a bison has incredible strength but can adapt quickly to survive when their world changes. He said the bison signify freedom to his tribe, but their independent spirits allow them to bend and sway to the changes in life. When he explained it to me that way, I realized he was right. You do have the spirit of a bison.”
“I don’t know if I like that. I’ve given up a lot for them,” she whispered before she paused, her breath held in her chest. “I guess it’s not their fault. They’re just wild animals trying to coexist with us.”
I rubbed her neck and laid a kiss on the back of it. She shuddered, and Mr. Monster stirred to life again inside my pants. “What happened on that ridge wasn’t their fault. It wasn’t your fault either.”
She rolled over and stared up at me. “Then it wasn’t your fault either, Blaze. If it was no one’s fault, then it was a simple failure of us trying to coexist with these animals.”
“I’ll try to tell myself that,” I promised, resting my lips on her forehead for a moment.
“I had a discussion with Kemimela in the food tent too,” she said, running her finger down my cheek and then burying her hand in my hair.
“What about?”
“It started out being about the white bison but ended up being about Callie.”
“Callie?” I asked, confused.
