Page 36 of Blazing Hot Nights
“I've been thinking about it for years, Blaze. Four years yesterday, to be exact.” A shiver ran through me, and I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Yesterday was the fourth anniversary of Daddy’s death. I don’t know why it hit me harder than the first anniversary did, but it did.” I tipped my head to the side to loosen the knot forming in my neck. “That’s a lie. I know why it hit me harder this year. Change is always harder than sticking with the status quo.”
Blaze’s chin dropped to his chest, and he sighed with heaviness. “I’m sorry. You could have come over and shared a beer with me at the campfire. I would have listened.”
I stared straight ahead at the sun as it came up over the hills of South Dakota. It was breathtaking the way it warmed the trees, drawing steam from their branches up into the air like tendrils of smoke. “God, just look at that,” I said, my eyes taking in the purple and pink sky.
He gripped my shoulder gently and sat in silence until I could speak again. When I was convinced my voice wouldn’t break, I acknowledged his offer. “I thought about coming over but decided against it. Sometimes, you have to toughen up and stop looking behind you all the time. That’s what I’m trying to do.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t come to his funeral, Heaven. I should have done more to help you, but I was in a fog during that time.”
I bit the inside of my lip to keep from saying something snarky. It wasn’t Blaze’s fault that his wife was dead. That was my fault, and I couldn’t be mad at him for grieving for her when I was dealing with my own horror show.
Blaze was silent for several minutes until he finally shook his head. “I should have been there for you and Duane. That’s why you up and disappeared from the ranch, wasn’t it?”
I shrugged while my teeth gripped my lip to keep it from trembling. “I didn’t have much choice,” I said, clearing my throat. “Daddy got the E. Coli from the cattle, and I had to run the ranch and take care of him. He lingered for a few months, but we all knew he wasn’t going to survive. He was already in a coma when his kidneys shut down. I had to let him go, but I had to keep his legacy alive.”
“And you had no one to help you because I had my head up my a—”
“It wasn’t your job to help me,” I jumped in before he could finish. “You were dealing with your own situation at the time.”
“That’s a flimsy excuse one year after her death, Heaven. We both know it,” he said with his teeth clenched.
“Knowing it and doing something about it aren’t the same thing, Blaze. One is easier than the other.”
He turned away from me to stare out the window. “Knowing you’re being a jackass and doing something about it are also two different things.”
“You were entitled to be a jackass—”
“Maybe for a few months, but not for five years. I apologized to Beau the other night, and now, I need to apologize to you. I’m sorry for even thinking that you abandoned me at the ranch rather than considering the fact that you were already overwhelmed with your own responsibilities. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when Duane got sick, and that I wasn’t there to support you after you lost him. I should have been. We’re neighbors but we were always friends. Hell,” he said, drawing a deep breath before he said whatever he was thinking, “we could have been so much more.”
We could have been so much more.
Was he right? The stupid pounding of my heart said yes, and that was what made all of this even harder.
“Can we just start looking to the future?” I whisper-asked, motioning at the sunrise with my chin. “I want to stop looking behind me. The past has caused so much heartache for half a decade that I’m exhausted, Blaze. If I keep looking behind me, I’m going to miss out on what the future could be.”
Blaze squeezed my shoulder again. “I like that plan. To do that, though, you have to ask yourself this question. What would your daddy want you to do?”
“There are only two words that come to mind: Be happy.”
I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye. “The only thing Duane wanted was for his little girl to be happy. He once told me he wished he could go back and raise you to be a ballerina instead of a barrel racer. His heart told him he should have protected you more, even though he knew you were doing what made you happy.”
I didn’t speak for a lot of miles after that statement.
“Are you okay?” he finally asked, his hand still on my shoulder. “I’m sorry if I upset you.”
I swallowed, the pain of losing my father still lodged deeply in my chest. “You took me by surprise. I always knew somewhere in my heart that Daddy felt guilt for what happened to my arm. The truth is, he had a lot on his plate between raising me alone and trying to keep the family business alive. His choices were limited, and he did the best he could. Now that I've been doing this for four years, I understand just how hard that had to have been.”
“Ranching, no matter the place or the time, is difficult, backbreaking work. Our new technology has made it easier these days, but—”
“But technology is useless if you can't afford it,” I finished.
“Also very true. It’s the chosen few who can, or the few like me who have the power of family money behind us.”
“Which I will never have,” I said honestly. “Since Daddy died, I’ve been up to my ears in debt. The cattle auction last month dug me out, but that’s all it did. Now I have to decide what the next move on the board is. You may have noticed that I’m struggling a lot more with my arm. The truck accident didn’t help, but it was getting worse long before that.”
“I’m afraid to respond to that and get myself into hot water.”
I fought the eye roll I felt coming since I was driving. “You bought me a massager for it. I think the answer is obvious.”
