Page 60 of Inherited Light
My eyes bore into hers and what I saw was honesty. “We’ve shared her bed, but not in an intimate way,” I answered finally.
“Then her asking you to move in is absolutely a test,” she said immediately.
I cocked my head to the left. “I don’t understand. You mean since we haven’t made love she’s trying to figure out what level I’m ready to commit to?”
She held her hands out. “She told me as much. She said you want to wait until you’re married. Can I ask why?”
“I already told her why.”
“She explained to me what you said. I’m asking you why you think refusing to make love before you’re married will convince her you’re committed.”
I touched my temple. “It’s not rocket science, Cinn. If we aren’t intimate until after we’ve signed on the dotted line, it shows her I’m in it for the long haul.”
She laughed openly then, almost uncontrollably. “You’re sorely misguided here, Lorenzo.”
I sighed. “You don’t agree? You’re encouraging premarital sex?”
She rolled her eyes as if I might be the dumbest man in the world. “Like you haven’t already had premarital sex, Lorenzo. Give me a break.” She waved her hand as if to start fresh. “First of all, signing a marriage certificate means nothing when it comes to long term commitment, look at Josh. Second, I don’t agree with withholding intimacy, instead of exploring it together before your marriage. Exploring it now allows her time to build her confidence in how serious you are about being with her, as well as calm her fears about the logistics of a long term sexual relationship with a man.”
I squirmed in my chair. “Can I just say I’m super uncomfortable right now?” I asked.
“Sure, you can say anything you want. I certainly am. I’ve been where she’s at, Lorenzo,” she said holding her hand toward the door. “I’ve wondered how he would feel making love to a woman with a tube in her abdomen, scars crisscrossing her belly, and her ribs sticking out. There’s something intensely fearful for a woman who isn’t physically perfect the way magazines and TV shows portray women. While your intentions are honest and pure, you’re causing her more anxiety.”
I threw up my arms in frustration. “But I’m trying to ease her anxiety,” I countered.
She held up her hand. “I know, but she doesn’t see it as lessening her anxiety. For her it feels like you’re hedging away from seeing all those parts of her which aren’t perfect. She knows you don’t understand she has needs and situations far more distinct than an able-bodied woman does in the bedroom. She can’t use her lower body, she can’t get herself in certain positions, and she can’t figure out why or how she would satisfy someone as virile as you. She’s thirty and you’re twenty-four.”
I tried not to smirk. “All the more reason why she should have all the confidence in the world. I could be out with any woman my own age, but she’s the one who captivates me.”
A smile finally tipped her lips up. “Then tell her how you feel. I’m not trying to push you into doing something you aren’t ready to do, brother. I’m trying to explain to you while you see abstinence as a way to prove your devotion, she sees it as a way to prolong the inevitable.”
“Inevitable what?” I asked perplexed. “Marriage?”
“No, your inevitable disappearance from her life.”
Chapter Twenty
I parked the truck in front of the store and climbed out, rubbing my hands on my pants. I left Cat at the shelter with Foster and Cinn, claiming I needed a few more odds and ends before I could finish the salon, but it was a fib. After Cinn and I talked, all I needed was a few minutes to understand how Cat was feeling. When I bought the condoms a few weeks ago, I had it right. Showing her how I feel, making her feel loved and sexy at the same time, would do far more for her confidence than holding out for a wedding night which would only be the cause to ruin her wedding day. I hadn’t taken anxiety of the unknown into consideration, though I was prepared for growing pains in our relationship. I sure as hell didn’t want her to miss one ounce of joy on the day I marry her because she’s worried about the night to come.
I locked the truck and sucked in a deep breath. My trip to the neighboring city of Maplewood had taken longer than I wanted it to, but I wouldn’t find what I needed in Little Ivywood. I wiped my hand on my pants again and grasped the door handle to She Likes It Sexy. I steeled my jaw as I strode in, determined to be cool. Never having a need to frequent an establishment such as this, it was hard to keep my cheeks from staining from embarrassment as I passed aisles of vibrators and other various sex toys I didn’t even recognize. I made my way to the glass case where a woman stood tying price tags onto fancy bongs. Hey, it’s California, what can I say?
I stopped in front of her and she glanced up. “Can I help you?” she asked.
I aimed for cool and confident, but it sounded sorely lacking when I spoke. “I, um, well, I’m in need of some pillows to help with positioning. My girlfriend is paralyzed and I want to make it more comfortable.”
She set the bong down on the counter and walked out from behind the counter. “Sure, we get requests for the disabled a lot, actually. We’ve started carrying a kit if you want to call it such.” She walked toward a corner and motioned to the pillows lining the wall. “Since no two disabilities are alike, we allow you to choose what will work best for your situation. Over here,” she said, pointing at two sheets on the wall, “are lists. This one gives you suggested uses for each pillow and the other gives you the kit pricing depending on what pillows you buy. Each kit comes with the pillows, any direct stimulation device of your choice, lube, and a bottle of toy cleaner.”
I could feel my cheeks heating as she explained. I hated to have to ask the next question, but I didn’t know the answer to any of these things. “I’m a little out of my element here if you hadn’t noticed,” I said and she laughed like an old woman who smoked too many cigarettes. Not a kind picture considering she wasn’t much older than I am.
“Oh, honey, you’re about as green around the gills as any I’ve had in here,” she said chuckling.
“Great, well, I’m a little confused with the whole direct stimulation bit. It seems like that should be part of my job.”
She shrugged. “Paralysis is a tricky thing, from what I’m told. Women need different stimulation than men. If you aren’t sure about her level of sensation I always say it’s better to have it and not need it than not have it and need it. Choose a smaller vibrator you can use on your finger, or anywhere else you may like to put it,” she said waving her brows around. “At least you’re prepared and if all she needs are the pillows, you aren’t out anything because we cut you a deal on the whole kit. We figure it’s hard enough to be disabled and have to navigate around every obstacle in life from a wheelchair, sex shouldn’t be another obstacle. Sex should be an escape, and there are ways to experience it the same way everyone else does.”
I nodded, trying to keep my cheeks from blushing any harder. “I couldn’t agree more. If you’ll give me a minute, I’ll check out the pillows and decide what will work.”
“Absolutely. Use the sheets on the wall to help in your decision making. We had a team of disabled people put together the lists, so we know they’re accurate as described. Take your time and don’t be embarrassed. I think it’s awesome when a guy comes in and wants to be proactive in making sure their partner is as satisfied as they are. She’s a lucky girl,” she said smiling.
