Page 57 of Inherited Light
“My, you’re rather sure of yourself if you’re now calling it the love of a lifetime,” she said using air quotes.
I leaned back in my chair and grinned the cheesiest grin I could muster. “You’re forgetting I can feel what you’re feeling. You’re in turmoil, and it isn’t about us having a fling before we go our separate ways. Your turmoil is about knowing we’re meant to be, but letting your brain guide you instead of your heart.”
She kept her chin held high and her jaw set as she stared me down. There were tears still gathered at the bottom of her lashes, but she didn’t stop searching my face while her mind spun through all the possibilities of what a tomorrow with me would give her. I witnessed her war, but more so I felt it, and it was brutal. I had to say something, but it had to be powerful and it had to be right. I wouldn’t get a second chance at it.
I scooted onto the bed and picked up her hand. “I know you’ve been alone for a decade, Cat. I know you’ve lived a life pretending you didn’t need family or friends, but I think you’ve realized how unsustainable it is.”
She nodded, and bit down on her lip to keep her chin from trembling, but the unshed tears fell anyway. “Yeah, I’ve always realized it, but fear is also stronger than trust, Ren.”
I smiled and rubbed away a tear. “I know, believe me, I know. So many times, I’ve ignored what has to be said, because I’m afraid the person involved will no longer trust me, but truth is stronger than fear. Truth trumps fear because truth is measurable. When I say I’m going to pick you up at seven, and I do, you can trust I’m reliable. When I say I’m going to rebuild your ramp, and I do, you can trust I’m going to protect you and keep you safe, no matter what. When I say I love you, you can trust it’s the truth because I’m still sitting here. Even after helping you shower, watching you take care of your bathroom needs, and carrying you up the stairs every day to keep you safe where no one could hurt you, I’m still here. Life doesn’t have to be black or white. Life is always some shade of gray. It’s always some kind of muddled up mess we can only get through with the love of another person. I love you, and I can’t believe how many times I’m saying it, but I do. All the gray stuff pushing on us and trying to blur our edges, is what makes us who we are. It’s what builds our character, tests our strength, and teaches us no one emotion can control us.”
She smiled through her tears and wiped one rather large teardrop away before it ran into her ear. “You’re awfully smart for someone your age.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know about smart as much as I’m in touch with who I am at my core. I don’t have a choice. If I pretend to be someone I’m not then I can’t decipher my own feelings from those around me. I know you’re in turmoil, and you’re afraid of the future, but you don’t have to be. I’ll be here for every infection, every trip to the ER, every surgery, and every time you just need me to hold you, because it’s what two people who are in love do. We can’t predict how life will go, Cat. What if tomorrow I have a construction accident and lose my arm. Would you cut my meat for me and brush my hair?”
She furrowed one brow down. “Of course I would.”
I held out one hand. “Then if you’re willing to be my arm, why isn’t it okay for me to be your legs?”
“Because it’s more than just my legs?” she asked and I smiled, before I leaned down and kissed her.
It wasn’t a soft, simple kiss either. I let myself go and kissed her the way a man in love kisses a woman he wants to spend his whole life kissing. When I lifted my lips, I kept them close to hers, “Was that a statement or a question?”
“I can’t remember,” she whispered. “Your kiss knocked everything from my mind but why I need you in my life.”
Chapter Nineteen
I had a decision to make, a few, actually. The first one had to be about where I wanted to live. A few nights ago, and exactly six nights after I told her I loved her, she asked me to move in with her. For all intents and purposes, I already had, at least temporarily. Since the investigation was still ongoing into Xavier's murder, I couldn't leave her alone.
But there is a difference between letting my apartment lease go and moving in with her, and living there for a few weeks while still maintaining a separate household. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I decide not to live with her she might see my decision as my unwillingness to commit long term. If I give up my apartment and things don't work out, then I don't have any place to go.
I tapped my finger on the piece of trim I held against the wall. Who am I kidding? It hasn’t even been three weekssince we reconnected. I know it isn't a normal amount of time to go from dating someone to living together. In my heart, I was ready to live with her, though. I was ready to live with her, and more.I nailed the trim to the wall with the nail gun. While I worked, I attempted to sort out why I was being indecisive about this. It made sense to move in with her. I wouldn't have to pay rent, just my share of utilities and taxes. It would give me a lot of time to work on the new ramp in the evenings, too.We’ve spent the past week doing all the things new couples do. Strolls through the park followed by ice cream cones in the dark. Laughter in the front yard while grilling dinner and then making out when the sun went down and no one was watching. I took her to the movies a few nights ago and we stole a few kisses there as well. I joked with her it was the one time having a wheelchair was an advantage. We could sit in the back hidden from the door by a wall and sneak kisses. She blushed, but immediately her lips found their way back to mine.
Maybe what I'm feeling has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. She was the one to mention it, but maybe it's more of a test than even I realize.I laid the nail gun down and picked up a long piece of trim, carrying it to the saw to cut.If I let my lease go, she knows I'm serious about being with her. If I live with her but keep the apartment, she sees it as uncertainty on my part. It was a 'damned if you do damned if you don't' kind of situation.It was a test to see my level of commitment and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. In just a few days this job would be over and while I had a few small jobs lined up for income, I would have to decide on starting the business or finding a crew to join. Not having the apartment would mean considerably less expenses and I could afford to get the trailer and other miscellaneous expenses covered quicker.I had a lead on a buyer for the BMW and they were coming by to look at it this weekend.
I nailed the trim to the wall, the gun forceful in my hand.
"Hey, you don't need to nail it into tomorrow, Lorenzo."
I whipped around and Foster stood in front of me, a white lab coat on and Poopsie in his arms.
I rolled back to sit on my butt and laid the gun down. “Did you need something?” I asked, wiping at the sweat running down my face.
“No, not particularly, but I’m finishing up the last of the info for the carnival. I stopped in to see if it’s safe to put the grand opening information in the paper, too.” He looked around while he stroked Poopsie’s head. “I don’t think it will be a problem. You’re almost done.”
I stood and brushed off my pants, giving Poopsie a scratch under the chin. “I’ll be done tomorrow, Foster. I have to finish a bit of trim work and the final clean up.”
He moseyed around the space, checking the faucets and tubs along the wall. I didn’t follow him. The salon had plenty of room for multiple people to be using it at the same time, but I figured he didn’t need a tail to do whatever he had to do. I could feel his intentions even as he pretended everything was normal. He was here for a reason, and I suspected my sister put him up to it. I sat down on the chair near the door and leaned back with my hands behind my head to wait. When he reappeared, he sat down on the toolbox across from me.
“Have you heard from Noah lately?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Nope, no word on any suspects, either. It feels like this could go on for months and they may never find the guy. I don’t know how to keep Cat safe and allow her to run her business.”
Poopsie settled down on his lap and he straightened her collar. “I’m sure it feels like this is taking forever, but it hasn’t been but two weeks. I remember how agitated I got when trying to figure out why the dogs were getting sick. I think as humans we never have the right amount of patience for any situation, do you know what I mean?”
I didn’t answer right away. Instead, I closed my eyes and read him from where I sat, without saying a word. When I settled my gaze on him again he still wore the same expression.
“If Cinn wants to know what’s going on with Cat and me, she should come and ask me herself.”
