Page 95 of In For a Penny
I pause before continuing, and he senses what I’m going to say next. He drags his fingers through his hair and finally looks up at me again. “But?” he asks.
I take a deep breath to steel myself before saying the words I know will hurt both of us because they’re lies. “But I don’t feel the same way.”I’m lying, Josh. Tell me I’m lying. Push me, and I’ll confess.“I love you like a friend. I just don’t see us together that way.” The words come out choked and rough. I don’t think I’ve ever had a harder time getting a sentence out of my mouth.
I hate it.
I hate every second of the last fifteen minutes.
He takes a deep breath and looks out Jane’s bedroom window. “It was worth a shot, right? Being with you would’ve been great.” He stares back at me with those beautiful eyes of his, lighter today than usual, green-gold instead of malachite.
“But you’re with Eloise now?” I ask.
Please say no. Please say no.
He shrugs. “Not really. She’s cute, but whatever.”
I sigh, half relieved, half disappointed in him for treating her like a random hookup when she’s clearly been after him for a while.
He sighs and dips his head between his shoulders, avoiding eye contact. “I’m so fucking sorry. I was hurt and embarrassed over that stupid notebook. So, I went to Eloise, and it was a mistake. So immature. I stopped it about five seconds later and went to the bathroom to clean that idiotic lipstick off my mouth. What evenisthat? What guy wants to look like a clown after kissing a girl? ‘Cause that’s what I looked like.” He throws his hands up in frustration. “Anyway, I was upset and went looking for you because Jane had mentioned you were around, and then I saw you and Oliver leaving the bedroom together, holding hands, and it just sucked, you know? I was way out of line—again. And a complete and total asshole.”
I nod. “You’re right. You were acompleteasshole, Josh.”
He nods, and we’re quiet for a moment, neither of us looking at the other. My thighs start to burn from the strain, so I change positions and sit cross-legged in front of him by the bed.
“You know,” he starts, “I used to think you were just in denial.” I swallow the knot in my throat. He laughs gently. “Maybe I was the one in denial.”
I reach out and hold one of his hands in both of mine. “It’s fine. Please. This doesn’t have to change anything between us.” My voice breaks, and I’m so close to crying. “We don’t have to stop being friends. We can still hang out.”
He looks up at me, alarmed. “Stop being friends? Of course not. Jesus. Didn’t you get what I said in that damn notebook? The reason I never pushed it was because you are—and have always been—my priority. Having you in my life is my priority. And that still applies here and now. Friends or…you know, notfriends. I want you in my life any way I can have you.”
My heart squeezes in my chest, and I feel like throwing up. The gut-punch feeling is back, except this time it feels like someone’s using my insides as a punching bag, hitting over and over again.
“So, we’re good?” he asks. “You’re staying? We’re still friends? You’re not gonna get all weird on me?”
I take a deep breath and try to smile. “Totally. I’m not going anywhere, and we’re good.” I pat our hands with my free hand, and he helps me up from my sitting position. “I just need a minute,” I say as he opens the door and motions for me to go ahead of him. He nods, understanding, and walks out, closing the door behind him.
I throw myself on the bed on top of all the coats.
Jesus.
Never a dull moment in the life of Penny Márquez.
Oliver seems to be in a better place with the whole Tom thing after our talk, which is huge. I wouldn’t have been able to stand it if he had kept going on like that, because he doesn’t deserve it. DespiteThe Incident, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt stronger than I do today—even with the Josh thing.
Falling for him has been eye-opening. It’s shown me exactly how wrong Austin and I were for each other and that maybe I was just upset over losing a determined future but not the person himself. The attachment I feel for Josh is incomparable, to be honest. Austin showed me what I didn’t deserve out of a relationship, and Josh has shown me what I want in one.
There’s no person who understands me as well as he does. He’s had me pegged since the beginning—that I liked him but was in denial. He’s more aware of me and my feelings than I am myself! But I agree with him. Having each other in our lives is more important than risking losing each other for good over a failed romantic relationship.
The risk is too high.
No Dating Josh. Penny’s new policy implementation.
