Page 85 of In For a Penny
“That’s not…that’s not what this is.” I shake my head, trying not to cry.
“Youknowit is. Don’t fucking lie to me. You’re either lying to me or lying to yourself.”
I close my eyes, holding my head in my hands, shaking it side to side. This is why I didn’t want to tell anyone. I don’t want to talk about this. I can’t deal with this. “So what if I am running, Josh?” I throw my hands up. “So what if I am? It was horrible, and I’m honestly so done with everything. I’mtired, Josh. And I want to go home.”
He rolls his eyes at me. “You wanna gohomeor you wannago? Which is it, Penny? Because I get if you want to go home to your family, if that’s where you think you’ll get better, get help, and feel supported. But if you want to leave just because you’re not happy, it still sounds to me like you’re running away.” Gone is sweet, supportive Josh Fox. I don’t know who this tough-love guy is.
“I want to just not feel this way anymore,” I say in a small voice as my tears start to fall.
“You’re never going to stop feeling like this until you leave this fucking apartment or talk to someone. You don’t want to press charges? You don’t want us to kill him? Fine. It’s your choice, even if I don’t like it. But you need counseling, you don’t need to run and hide and make excuses. It’s fucking okay to feel how you’re feeling. Jesus!” he says angrily, running both hands through his hair. “Just don’t go. Finish school. Get your degree. Don’t let what he did control your life. I’m here for you. We all are. We can help you find a professional to talk to, if you want.”
Up until now, Josh has always been able to understand me and every aspect of my life, but not whereThe Incidentis concerned. He’s frustrated and tired of bargaining with me. He just doesn’t get it. And he never will.
Josh and I stare at each other in silence, his eyes blazing.
He’s right, of course. I’m absolutely bailing. I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t handle the constant reminders of what happened that night in the form of my supportive friends constantly babysitting me or the stupid bitemark bruise on my inner thigh that refuses to fade. I can’t handle this program and thinking that I made a massive mistake in picking it. And I really can’t handle how big of a mess I feel like right now.
Yes, I want to run away. I admit it.
I want to go back to New York where I don’t ever have to tell anyone what happened or have to deal with it, and the worst thing I will have to face are the truly insignificant rumors that people will spread. Because that’s the best thing this whole situation has taught me: what I left behind isn’t nearly as bad as what I went through here.
“It’s not that simple,” I say.
He huffs and rolls his eyes at me. “It really fucking is, though.”
“Josh, come on,” I say again. I catch him just as he’s slipping his coat on. “If this is about the final project, I can stay and finish it with you and then go. I have until December to drop out, so you don’t have to finish it yourself.”
“You think I’m angry that you’re leavingbecause of the final project?” he asks, looking at me as if I’m the biggest idiot in the world.
“No, I didn’t—I mean, I don’t know.” I’m starting to hyperventilate. He’s really leaving. He picks up his backpack and squares his shoulders before turning for the door. “We’re not gonna finish talking about this? You’re seriously leaving?”
“What does it matter? You clearly are.”
Please, no.
I can’t breathe. I knew I was going to eventually have to say goodbye, but I wanted it to be on my terms.
“Josh.” His name on my lips is a plea as I follow him to the front door. But he’s relentless.
He opens the door angrily and stops before turning around. His glare gives new meaning to the phrase“If looks could kill”. He opens his mouth as if to say something but laughs bitterly, shaking his head, changing his mind at the last second.
“Josh,” I plead as he walks toward the elevators. He shoves his hands in his coat pockets as he shakes his head, ignoring me. “Can we finish talking about this? Can you just please listen?”
The elevator dings, and he hesitates for a second, eyes on the floor. He turns on his heel and walks determinately toward me. He looks tall and intimidating, and his shoulders seem broader as he walks up standing straighter. The indomitable look in his eye right now makes me almost shiver, feeling it in my core. He looks angry. And I know it sounds awful, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt more attracted to anyone in my entire life until this very moment.
Josh opens his backpack and takes out a plain black notebook. Holding it out to me, he says, “I planned on giving this to you as a Christmas present, but… I guess it will be a goodbye gift, then,” and walks away without another word or look in my direction.
I watch him enter the elevator and disappear, taking my heart with him.
“Josh,” I say weakly again, but he can’t hear me now.
I shut the apartment door and lean against it, sliding down all the way to the floor. Dropping the notebook, I hug my knees to my chest and feel my eyes water.
