Page 86 of In For a Penny
I slide the unlit cigaretteunder my nose, inhaling its sweet, smoky scent. I’m at the park, lying on a blanket in the grass by my building complex. I stare up at the clouds behind my sunglasses, for which I am eternally grateful. I’ve been crying so much lately that my face looks super scary. The circles under my eyes have gotten so deep and dark I look like a drug addict. Thankfully these massive dark lenses cover half my face, so I can finally go out in public.
I roll onto my stomach and look down at the cigarette in one hand and my hot-pink lighter in the other, vacillating between firing this baby up and falling off the wagon or dealing with my problems without the use of a crutch.
Ugh. I really want to smoke.
Setting aside that moment where I burnt Austin’s letter with a lit cigarette, I’ve been really good about not smoking. Do I really want to screw up all of my progress here? I groan, frustrated, and stuff the lighter in my bag, choosing to take the much more difficult route. I keep the cigarette in my hand, though. Just holding it makes me feel a little better, and after last night’s harsh exchange with Josh, I needsomethingto comfort me. Because he was absolutely right. If I leave now, it’s because Iamrunning. And I can’t keep being that type of person anymore.
This morning, I made the decision to stay. I plan to give school more of a chance and finish my degree. I also plan to enjoy the time I have left in London with the amazing new friends that I’ve made so far. I’m here now. I may as well make the most out of this situation.
So what if my Master’s degree is not what I expected? At least I have the opportunity to be able to be part of it, and I can make more of an effort to make the most of it. I plan to stop complaining so much and focus on the bright side. I want to become a more positive person.
Or at least try to be…
Yes, the case studies offered were almost all from the World War II era, but there isn’t anything wrong with a history lesson, right? I can absolutely handle this and try my hardest to make the best of the situation.
As forThe Incidentwith Tom, it had obviously been terrible and life altering, but I’m not going to let an asshole ruin this life experience for me. Up until then, moving to this city had been the best decision I had ever made—and it still can be. I just need to not let the bastard win. I have a massive opportunity in front of me, and I almost let one guy ruin it with a traumatizing experience.
I know I still have a lot to overcome with that in the future, but I think I can handle it for now. I understand what happened to me, and I don’t blame myself for it anymore. And I don’t blame Oliver either, even though I can still see him struggling with it.Thatis something I will have to fix soon. I can’t let him spend another day blaming himself for what Tom did. It’s definitely not his cross to bear.
My phone vibrates, and I pull it out of my bag. There’s only one person I want to hear from today, and it’s definitely not a message from him.
Chloe: Friendly reminder that Jane’s birthday is tonight! We understand if you don’t want to come, but if you do, it starts at 9.
I sigh. I’m also so tired of being babied. I realize that I may have given them reason to believe that I wasn’t doing particularly well, considering the fact that I skipped class and rarely left my apartment, but that’s got to end. I’ve got to start rebuilding myself and my relationships, and that starts now. I want to show my friends that I’m okay—or as good as I can be. I would especially like to thank them in person for truly being an incredible group of people and showing immeasurable amounts of support.
I mean, Jane even offered to revisit the shoe department at Harrod’s the other day when I know for a fact that that place gives her hives.
And even though I have every intention to be there tonight, I don’t want anyone I know to expect seeing me there. I need to talk to Josh, and I don’t want him to start avoiding me. Given yesterday’s fight, I’m not so sure he wouldn’t skip Jane’s party as a way to prevent seeing me, which is why I’m vague in my reply.
Me: Of course! I’ll think about it.
I stuff my phone in my bag and stop at the notebook Josh handed me last night. It’s sticking out of my purse, taunting me, saying,‘Read me! Read me!’I delicately pull it out and lay it in front of me. I haven’t opened it yet, but I think I know what it is. I can just feel it.
Can just feel that it is for me specifically. It isn’t a regular old notebook. And it was ready to go in his backpack, which probably meant he was waiting for the perfect time to give it to me.
I twirl the cigarette in my hand nervously and stare down at the basic black cover. It makes me so damn nervous you’d think it had an explosive device attached to it. I know whatever is in here is going to change my relationship with Josh, for better or for worse.
I put the unlit cigarette between my lips and, leaning on my elbows, open the notebook to the first page.
Dear Penny,
I made—
I slam the notebook shut and take a deep breath. I flip through the pages of the notebook and see that each entry he’s written begins with the same two words:DearandPenny.
Oh no.
I knew it. I knew what it was down to my mother-effingbones. I don’t know how, but I KNEW IT. I’m not exactly sure what’s in these letters, but I am positive that whatever he has handed me will permanently change our relationship forever.
I roll back onto my back and stare up at the sky, running a hand through my hair.
It’s a notebook.
Full of letters.
Addressed to me.
It’s a notebook full of letters addressed to me.
